Journey to a New Life

Fidelis found an old recording that was done when a visitor came to the farm with her two very young daughters. In this discussion with Bernard and Sunette as Lifi and Veno they open up points about children and parenting. I will be transcribing the interview and share in parts here. Enjoy!

Okay, so we’re going to discuss children, parenting and related matters.
Jozien has got some questions and Lifi and Veno are going to answer them and see who pops through. Okay, your first question

Jozien: My first question is that, what I experience here, Sunette told me about Zina and Loulou – where Zina would always want to play with the toy which other kids are playing with. It doesn’t make sense for me to say to her like “It’s not possible”, she wants to play with the same toy.
Then Sunette said to me that because she wants to experience the same thing as the other kid and that actually she wants to experience the ‘equality’ if you can call it that. And that’s something that I never even considered as a parent. Because the only thing I did was trying to tell her “This is not your toy” or “you have your own toys” and just not understanding what she was actually asking. Does that make sense?

Sunette: Yes, I can see what you are saying.
Situations with regards to that is still – for example yes, the child would for example see another child play with its toy and would and they would kind of be seeing in a self-experience way what the child is experiencing with the toy and they for themselves would like to discover that experience, from that perspective. But, what that is actually revealing is how the child still at that age, is interpreting that experience to be related to or linked to the toy. It’s not yet linked to an actual self-expression experience. Meaning that, ‘who I am’ is not determined according to a toy, or the experience of me is not determined according to a toy, or the expression of me is not determined according to the toy. It’s the basic design with regards to how children are related in relationship to or towards physical manifestations of this world. Where they themselves are linked to something or where their experience of themselves is linked to something. It’s not a natural self-expression, here. However, the other side of the coin, is two perspectives. There’s two manifestations, two experiences which are happening. But the prominent one is the one where they are still linking experience to the toy. Underneath that though, what is being experienced is that particular point of self-discovery from a certain perspective, where they see the child playing with a toy, they see that experience, that expression that the being is going through and they would like to discover that within themselves. But, what is happening with the mind integration, is that it’s being linked to the toy. Not to self.

Bernard: Let’s look at the side of the coin.

What must also be understood is that the whole design of Consciousness as it exists is one of inequality. And the fact that one child plays with the toy and the other one sees it, and now desires to play with it or to experience themselves already creates a separation and a form of competition and conflict. The conflict will then manifest normally between the parent and the child, and not between the child without the toy and the child with the toy. The child will then ask the parent for the toy. They’ll sometimes try and take the toy to experience it, but they will also eventually blame the parent for not having a toy. Because they don’t understand why what is in this world is not equally available for all. And that is then simplistically slowly but surely being integrated and also the parent participates in that extensively then saying “But it’s not yours” – it’s a form of ownership and a form of separation and a form of inequality that is being taught, because we are in a system with many things but nobody can afford to have all the things and give their children all the experiences with every single thing.

Sunette: And understand, the child doesn’t see it as “It is yours / It is mine”.

Bernard: That concept doesn’t exist yet.

To be continued

In my previous blog I ended off with how one can become reactive and resentful within wanting to hold on to one’s ‘off time’ when a child needs your sudden attention. This point also links in with a previous blog I wrote, Day 51: Why Babies throw Tantrums | Parenting & Fairness, where one can become ‘unhappy’ and throw inner tantrums when you compare the moment/situation you are in vs. the situation/moment you would rather be in as what would make you happy (eg. Current moment ‘changing frantic screaming baby’s dirty diaper’ vs. desired moment ‘sitting down, reading newspaper with cup of coffee’).

Within this blog, I want to investigate a different dimension that is connected to this point of being unhappy when faced with parenting responsibilities and wishing that you could be doing something else that would make you ‘happy’ – specifically looking at: what determines our happiness?

If we go back to the scenario of the previous blog where we have the two parents relaxing / enjoying some off time and both not wanting to give this up when being faced with a needy child; we can already see/identify a first ‘clue’. Here, I am looking at how one labels/compartmentalizes one’s time in ‘work-time/child-time’ and ‘off-time/relax-time’.
When we create labels for what we are doing, because they refer to distinctly different experiences of ourselves during these different time-periods = something’s up.

In terms of the scenario, self had created a polarized experience, whereby tending to the child was distinctively ‘negative’ while ‘not tending to the child’ as ‘off-time’ was a distinctively positive experience. So in this case ‘not tending to the child’ makes self happy because then you can do ‘whatever you want’ without being limited by a child who needs your attention.

So, why does this make you happy? And why does tending to one’s child make you unhappy?
If we have a look at what determines our happiness, we need to look at the things we find valuable in life, what we find meaningful. When we identify the variables of value and meaning, we can determine what makes us happy, where if x (value) and y (meaning) is in place = I am happy.

If we look at what society promotes as being of value and meaning in life, we come up with factors such as:

- freedom (of choice)
- money
- beauty
- career/status
- individual identity
- partying/events
- consumerism
= ego, freedom and selfishness

So when we take these ‘values’ and translate them into parenthood then...yes – life is hell.

Because parenthood means:
- absolute responsibility for another life
- being practical with money
- dealing with body changes / minimal time towards looking presentable
- spending time home / with kids
- personal sacrifice
- being on a schedule / getting all the sleep you can get
- cleaning up after another / managing a household
= humbleness, responsibility and selflessness

So if we look at what society promotes and values, we find these things to be completely absent within the world of motherhood/parenting. Being a housewife / stay-at-home-mother has become stigmatized and looked down up – why would anyone ‘give up’ doing something meaningful with their life to look after children and staying at home?! You could be having a career, be productive, going out and do things whenever you want!!

So then looking after a child, changing diapers, wiping butts, making food, cleaning up, feeding and whatever else is involved in taking care of a child becomes an experience of being ‘degraded’ and ‘suffering’ because it doesn’t fall within the category of value and meaning that has been fed to us through and by society. The worst part is that one actually believes self to be ‘unhappy’ and ‘not doing anything of value/meaning’ and not seeing/realising that self was not the directive principle within deciding for oneself what you find valuable and meaningful in life, but instead went with the ideas, pictures and imaginations sold by our consumerist and capitalistic society. Society’s values are all about accumulating, while that of parenting is that of giving away.

This schizophrenia of values reminds me of an article I read a while ago, where a person went into a hospital for a hip surgery but ended up dying from dehydration. Why? Because everyone thought that getting the patient water was ‘beneath’ them, after all they are a surgeon/doctor/this or that and surely it’s not their job to do something ‘ordinary’ like bringing someone water? Surely someone with less important things to do can take care of this?

And then the man died.

This nicely illustrates how within our obsession with career/status/prestige, our individual identity and self-importance – leads us to neglect important, life-enabling factors such as providing someone water because it’s ‘too ordinary’. We look at things in terms of specialness and ordinariness, and make our decisions according to what we believe will add to our own splendour.

Similarly within parenting/motherhood, we have forgotten the value and importance of tending to a child, performing ‘ordinary tasks’ – because they create no grandeur, they don’t add to your amazing personality and no-one’s there to pat your back and say how amazingly productive you are.

Parenting is the business of life. And life is not about all the imaginary concepts we’ve promoted and elevated to godliness. Life isn’t about personal grandeur, beauty, freedom and self-interest. It’s about eating, shitting, sleeping and looking after each other. It’s about guiding one another and creating responsible human beings who in the future will ensure responsibility towards themselves, others and their environment.

With the values we are currently upholding, the only thing we are ensuring is for life to go down the drain. Everyone’s so busy going ‘me! Me! Me!’ and ‘Money! Money! Money!’ – that we forget to look around ourselves and spend our (oh so precious time that we could be spending doing whatever the f*ck we want) time towards life-enabling and life-supporting goals such as ensuring proper housing, proper food security, proper education, etc. – all these ‘ordinary’ things, all these things which are absolutely vital to life.

So we are not just dealing with a value crisis in parenting, but a value crisis over all – which becomes reflective within parenting.

To be continued

Not so long ago I decided to try and shower with Cesar, as I wanted some variation to always taking baths. He had been opening the shower doors and gone playing in the shower when we’d go in the bathroom, so I knew he was curious about the space. I saw it might also be tricky for him to be okay with a shower experience since he’d be way down below and I’d be standing instead of being low down with him, and he would also be more likely to get water in his face.

Since I figured that I was probably not the first mom to go around experimenting with taking a one year old with in the shower, I figured there’d be some good ‘tips n tricks’ on the internet of how to go about showering with your little one so both parent and child can have a fun experience.

I though the search results would be pretty straightforward, but interestingly enough the type of topics/results that kept crowding the search engine results were about ‘whether it is okay to take your x year old toddler into the shower with you’ – where in essence the ‘big debate’ was a morality issue of whether or not it’s okay for your child to be naked with you / for your child to see you naked, especially if you’re of the opposite sex. I found this quite fascinating because if I look at me and Cesar bathing (and also having successfully showered, by the way) – I don’t experience any issue with us being together in the water and washing ourselves. So – it’s not like there’s an inherent problem in the act of ‘showering’/’bathing together’; it is one we make up in our minds and then impose on the act/situation and make it real by thinking and creating emotions about it.

Then, quite interestingly – I came across a piece of Osho writing (I’ve been reading a bit of Osho every day, and then seeing how/where I can integrate/live a particular insight in my life/reality) which was directly relation to this point of ‘sexuality’ and how we, ourselves have supplemented sexuality with an additional meaning of ‘badness’ and taboo – and within that ‘warp’ the truth of sexuality and create a lie which we then present as ‘the truth’ and ‘how it is’.

“Truth is truth, and nobody should be debarred from it. Just because children are small, do they have to be fed on lies? Is truth only for grown-ups? Then does it mean truth is dangerous to the delicate consciousness of the child?

Truth is never dangerous, untruth is dangerous. And if you tell an untruth to a grown-up he may be able to defend; it can be forgiven. But never say an untruth to a child because he is so helpless, so indefensible. He depends so much on you, he trusts so much in you – don’t betray him. This is betraying! Telling any lie means you have betrayed the child. And finally you will be in trouble. Sooner or later, the child will discover that you have been telling lies. That very day all trust in you will disappear.”

When I read this piece, I remembered my own experience of betrayal with my parents and how deeply this touched me, and how I that day decided to never ever trust my parents again.

To be continued

Parenting, children, family – why do we do it? What is the point?

This is a question I’ve walked – though not per se explicitly – within my Motherhood Paranoia blog series.
Through walking, investigating and examining my own mind-set within the context of being a parent/mother – the starting point that currently prevails in our world is: survival. Where, each one of us basically thinks that ‘we know best’ and within this belief, think we are entitled to ensure the continued existence of this ‘know-how’ by passing it on to our children who will in turn pass it on to theirs. To what point? This is not really clear – since if we keep going down the road we are heading, we are on to road to global annihilation. So while the final destination’s not really clear, there’s a clear sense in each one of us that ‘we must just keep on going’ – maybe just to ensure that someone of our lineage would be present at the end of the race as the end of our race.

But – that’s not really a worthwhile scheme to invest your time and energy in, but that’s just my perspective.

So, what is?

Well, if I look at the type of world I would like to live in, the type of world I wished I would have grown up in – it is one of exploring and testing out the limits of my potential; in other words, pursuing and realising my utmost potential – being and living the best possible version of myself that I can be.

And this is exactly what Parenting should be about.

One little problem though, is that our world hasn’t been set up to allow us to explore and realise our utmost potential. So even though we would like this for our children, the reality of the situation is that within our own limitation – our ‘guiding hand’ is more likely to control them and condition them to grow within the bounds of our own limitations, rather than our hand being a guiding force for the child to explore its own self-expression and utmost potential. Whether we like it or not, who we are and how we live impacts our children.
We all want things to be ‘better for our children’, compared to ‘how things were for us’ – but the truth of the matter is that we can’t just ‘want’ things to be different; we have to actually be and live differently, to manifest the opportunity for our children to live things differently. Often, people want things to be different for their children, and will spend a lot of time, money and energy in ‘getting the best’ for their children; but will do so within already having given up on themselves. Where “it’s already too late for me, but my child may still have a chance!” Yet, within that very act of self-defeat – you are sending the exact opposite message to your child. Not one of utmost potential, but one of ‘settling’ and ‘accepting that you are all that you can be’.

If you believe you can fix yourself through having a child, or believe a child will make things better for you – think again; because everything you are unhappy about with yourself, everything that bothers you about yourself/your life that you do not direct or bring to correction – will only blow up in your face a hundred times over – screaming for attention.

The bottom-line is – that parenting starts with the parent first. Whatever you want for your child, you have to live first. This adds a whole new dimension to parenting, and this a dimension of utmost responsibility. Your responsibility towards your child, starts with your responsibility towards yourself first. Unless you are actively engaged in fostering and developing your own utmost potential, there is only limitation ahead in the child’s future.

To be continued…

In my previous blog, I laid out how it can be easy to experience yourself being/going into extreme levels of emotions/thoughts/reactions within being faced with the rigors of taking care of a baby, and how this then shapes ‘who you are’ in every moment, whether you are conscious of it or not.

It starts off with being limited to moments only, where you’re attending to one of those tasks that require you to ‘put in some extra’ and where you’re really not ‘into’ doing whatever it is that requires to be done, and a negative energetic charge develops within yourself as you carry out whatever it is you have to do.

This momentary reaction, which is like a form of resistance, basically states that ‘I wish that I was doing something else’ or ‘I wish I didn’t have to do this’. These momentary experiences, come and go as you move around your day/night taking care of your baby, where the moment the ‘task’ is done, the experience is gone (or so it seems). However, with this coming and going of this experience and you allowing this experience to keep coming and going and not directing it – it starts to accumulate to an experience where one day you realise that you’re actually not having much fun at all with your new baby and actually are kind of…unhappy.

It’s kind of interesting, because at that stage – you’re not yet actually chronically unhappy. I noticed this myself after working on the point, that I wasn’t actually unhappy, but within allowing such fleeting reactions to accumulate, in that moment that you become more aware of your self-experience - your perception of reality is so skewed/screwed that you think and believe that you’re unhappy *all the time*, and from that moment on you actually start to actively project this experience of unhappiness unto every moment/every task and then in essence bring it to life/make it a reality for yourself which you then start to resonate throughout your day.

Now, within being an adult and having been successfully raised within morality – you know that you shouldn’t be acting on these type of feelings/experiences. Meaning, just because you’re unhappy doesn’t mean that you’re not going to carry out your responsibilities towards your baby because that would be ‘wrong’. Yet, even though we know we won’t be acting upon our experience, we will still stubbornly hold on to it, believing that we are right to experience this way and that what we experience is an accurate reflection of ‘how things are in reality’. Though for children, your baby – it doesn’t matter that you are not acting upon it (well, of course they do benefit from you still carrying out your responsibilities)– they still know how you actually feel, and what it is that you are actually holding within yourself while you interact with them. They can see, and feel that you’re unhappy/not doing what you’d like to be doing – and can in essence, see your ‘inner tantrum’ as the energy you experience within yourself while you carry out that which you do not want to do.

So what your baby learns then and there, is that it’s okay and acceptable to have this energetic experience of being ‘unhappy’ when ‘things are not the way you like’. And even though you may not be acting upon it in those moments, you are still keeping the energy alive which means that you agree with it; and that’s all that a baby needs to know to start copying this pattern and live it out.

One thing that has to be taken into consideration though, is that a baby/child is not ‘innocent’ in that it in its very nature as the result of the acceptances and allowances of the generations who came before – have a tendency to ‘react’ when things don’t go their way. Yet, this behaviour and tendency can very easily be addressed when you’re ‘on it’, and when you do not accept and allow such behaviour within yourself. The tendency then doesn’t have space to develop/grow and the child/baby then learns whatever other example they have been given. It however does mean that the ease with which they will develop and grow this tendency into an actual behavioural pattern = is greater.

I was asked a question by someone as to how come some parents can be blatantly selfish in their behavior towards their child(ren). Where, to observers, this type of behavior is unacceptable – but where the parents themselves will act out their selfishness within a sense of entitlement and thus in essence not seeing what they're doing or seeing "what's wrong" with their behavior.

So I had a look inside myself as to where and how I could see such a pattern would emerge and develop, in terms of what I have experienced myself and walked through myself with Cesar so far.

And what I saw, was that it really goes all the way back to the beginning. And what becomes clear from the beginning is that: parenting is not easy.

All your life, your life has been about you. What you want to do, what you want to do with your life, your friends, your family, your job, your hobbies. Then – a baby is on its way.
You think you can conceptualize and ‘imagine’ what it would be like to have a baby – but the truth is = you don’t. Even when you read others’ stories, written in detail about birth, babies, parenting – in the end they’re just words and you don’t really grasp the reality of it – until you’re in it.

I suppose in a way, pregnancy does prepare you a little bit for what is to come. All these things start happening to your body, you get put into the backseat and your whole body becomes about ‘the baby’ – where to a certain extent, ‘your body is not your own’. But you know, you can still do a lot of things and pretty much live your life ‘as usual’.

Then, the baby comes – and everything changes. Every minute, every second, every breath you take is in service of your baby. Your baby is completely helpless and completely dependent on you. You are quite frankly put: its slave (unless family/friends are there to help out big time or you’ve hired someone to assist). It’s feeding, changing, clothing and feeding again round the clock. You sleep, when the baby sleeps (or at least you try). You are sleep deprived, your body hurts, you look like a mess (and very possibly smell like one too) and it seems to go on for what seems like forever. That’s how the first 3 months are registered in my brain.

So, especially in the first few months, being a mother, being a parent does a big number on you.
I mean, I am pretty lucky in terms of the environment and support that I have available with Cesar. I’d say that I pretty much live in the ‘optimum environment’ to bring up a child. And so – even with physically everything being in place, it’s still hard, it’s still an immense job.
I have no idea how I would cope if my situation would have been any different and I have the greatest respect for all women out there who are doing their best to raise their child(ren) when their environment is not one that promotes peace of mind.

So you have your baby, you’re busy all the time, you’re trying to do your best and sometimes that seems to even be not enough. Your old life is GONE. Byebye seeing friends, family, work, hobbies – it’s just you and your baby now (at least initially). Having a baby probably looked and sounded like a fun thing, blissful and all joy – but ends up being quite the opposite as you’re drained tending to your baby’s every need. If you’d imagine how you would want a relationship to be between two beings – this is not how you’d want things to be, as it’s in essence a ‘master-slave’ relationship. Now, I don’t mean to blame or shame the baby for being demanding or needy. And I don’t mean to create any type of moral issue within describing and comparing a baby-mother relationship to one of a master-slave relationship. It’s simply that by design – they are the same. It’s not good, it’s not bad – it’s just what it is.

This point, if you look at the design of babies and their 100% dependency relationship towards the mother is what one could call ‘unfair’. Meaning, you have two beings, and the one is living every moment of its life in function of the other.

I’m pretty sure that if you had a relationship with another adult in this line you’d pretty much break ties as soon as possible, because it’s no way to live.

And it’s this dynamic – being ‘unfair’ by design – which is your introduction to your relationship with your child - which forms the baseline, the nice fertile soil, from which many mind patterns and resonant designs can emerge from… if you let it.


To be continued

In my previous blog I laid out how when investigating a sense of ‘duty’ within myself, how this whole can of worms opened up in terms of you as a mother/female carrying out the duty/mission of continuing the bloodline and having the responsibility to make sure that your offspring survives (or at least get to the point where it can have its own offspring). I ended the blog, with how I could see this point being tied in the Female’s Ego Design, where females have a strong tendency of ‘wanting to be right’. This is where I continue with this blog.


So – now you have a baby, a child – just like all the mothers before you and have a sense of duty to ‘continue the mission’. At the same time, a lot of people did not like the way they were brought up by their own parents, where there’s a strong feeling of ‘wanting to do it better’ with your child.

So, not only do you already carry this sense of duty from the perspective of those who came before you – now you also gave the duty to yourself to do it better, or at least not ‘worse’ than your parents.

So how does this now all come together in the design if the female ego? Well, having a child, raising a child is a huge responsibility. It’s huge on its own and it’s made even ‘huger’ when you drag in the whole ancestral baggage that you carry around unconsciously. And now you, as the mother being in most instances the primary caretaker/guide for the child – it all lays in ‘your hands’ in terms of how this child is going to grow up and succeed in life, and we all want ‘what’s best for our child’.

Though, what each one thinks to be ‘what’s best for your child’, differs from person to person, depending on variables such as personal history (eg. How my parents did things is definitely *not* what’s best for a child), environment, relationships with other people, economic status, etc.

So by the time you have a child, you’ve already pretty much made up your mind about life, what matters, what doesn’t matter, what things you value, your preferences and so on. From that context/idea you then derive what you think is best for your child, what you believe will give them the best outcome in this world.

Throughout your own life, you invested quite a bit of time in ‘inventing yourself’, in terms of your personality, who you are and who you want to be seen as in society. Then when you have a baby, you invest a lot of time and energy in making sure that you are bringing up your baby in line with your own values, believing they are ‘the right ones’.

So, what I have noticed here, is that when one mother points something out to another mother, there’s a tendency for conflict to spark, as both believe they are ‘doing the right thing’ and both think that ‘they are doing what’s best for their child’. And because the bond between a mother and a baby is so strong, where you carried the baby in your belly, where you nursed it and spent your every moment with it as it was completely helpless and dependent – that point of ‘you are doing something ‘wrong’ with your baby’ which translates into ‘you are not doing what’s best for your baby’ is a veeeerrrry sensitive one.

Because you just spend all this time and energy figuring yourself out in life, then you have this huge responsibility of raising a baby, then you try and raise that baby as best as you can within what you think is best – so that your child may succeed in life, and so that you are not seen as a failure against the backdrop of ‘those who came before you’ AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT I AM DOING IT ALL WRONG AND HARMING MY BABY/CHILD??????????????

So instead of investigating one’s idea of onself, one’s values and perspective on life – it’s easier to just ‘want to be right’ and defend yourself at all cost – than considering the possibility that you may not have been acting in the best interest of your baby – because that is a very painful realisation/consideration to look at and face. Which is unfortunate, because what eventually plays out is the opposite, wherein ‘wanting to ensure the best for your baby’ and not wanting to look at the possibility that maybe you’re doing things in a way that are not really best, you’re creating the very window where things can actually go wrong. But because you don’t want to see/be faced with that point, it’s easier to just stubbornly go along with what you’ve always been doing, and sticking with your point of view/outlook on life and block out any feedback that may indicate otherwise. So that in your reality, in your mind : you are doing what’s best for your baby, you are doing what’s best for your future lineage, you’re doing what’s best for the future of humanity in general. And this is then also why females will go and ‘clump’ and ‘group’ together in their shared activities/points of view and participate in gossip and being nasty towards those that do not agree/do not walk their opinions/outlook on life – just to each time re-affirm and strengthen that point of ‘It’s okay, I am right, I am doing what is best, they are the one’s who are going to burn in hell for living their lives like this and teaching their children this way’.

So, this is what I found within myself being a major contributing factor to the ‘wanting to be right’ construct which is typical to females; where females from a symbolic/archetypical standpoint have that responsibility of ‘ensuring the well-being of those to come’, and where this is such a huge responsibility, and where I am sure everyone experiences a great deal of uncertainty, but where instead of acknowledging this uncertainty and working with it, and actually figuring out what’s best from what’s not – we just ‘pretend’ and ‘hope’ to know that we’re doing, and that this is the right thing, and then defend this point of view, whichever view it may be – at all cost.

Continuing from my previous blog: Day 43: And the Race Begins! | Motherhood Paranoia

In my previous blog I described how I came to a point within myself where I saw myself participating within a point of competition, wherein I saw how I was using the reference of developmental milestones not just as a frame for his own personal development, but also used it to get an idea where my baby is at ‘in the greater race’ of babies, where I as a mother wanted to know how advantaged/normal/disadvantaged my child was compared to his peers, so that I could be ‘reassured’ that he has what it takes to survive in this world.

Once I got through this point, I saw another point emerge. Where it was not just about ‘my baby winning the race’/’my baby having what it takes’ – but where this strange sense of ‘responsibility’ and ‘duty’ started creeping in within the greater context of ‘generational lines’ and ‘ancestry’ – where, your mother had gotten you this far; in raising you and being set up in a situation where you can have your own child; just as her mother did before her. So that when you look back into your own personal history and lineage; there’s been all these thousands of mothers before you who had been successful in raising their offspring and getting them to a point of survival far enough to have children of their own; where you are now the ‘last’ one of the lineage and where you are now supposed to be just as successful as they have been.

Again – it’s not like I was consciously thinking things like “Oh, I have to make sure I carry on the bloodline of my ancestors and fulfil my duty just like my ancestors before meeee” or anything like that. There was just a slight, odd sense of ‘duty’ that I had noticed and when I went and investigated; this whole pot of worms opened up.

Now, this also bring me to my next point, which is how I see that this whole ‘offspring bearing’ point of importance is connected and linked to the whole Female’s Ego Design.

There’s already this notion and perception of women that they always want to be ‘right’. Especially if you put two females together and they disagree, it’s quite known that things can get ‘heated’ or that things get ‘bitchy’ lol. While I’ve been reading around in books, magazines and on discussion boards online within the context of mothers with babies – this point of righteousness is very much ‘in your face’. Once they’ve made up their mind about something; there’s no point debating it.

So now that I had seen how this point that I have been walking in my blogs unfolded, it made total sense as to ‘how’ and ‘why’ females tend to be so into ‘wanting to be right’.

In my previous blog I went over how I was allowing my relationship with my baby to be shaped through scoring his behaviour into categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as how I saw it fit in with developmental milestones for his age. In this blog I am continuing with this point, where I not only look at how I see this point affect myself but how I see this being linked in at a societal level as well.

I remember the one day I was doing some research in terms of babies’ development. I have a few books where I had gotten info from before, but since each source seemed to vary in its timeline and approach of developmental milestones, I took it on me to go through quite a bit of sources so I could get a wider picture and not only use one or two sources as my frame of reference. I watched some videos and in the one video the development of a typical baby was shown at X age, and alongside the development of an ‘atypical’ baby was shown.

When I saw how the atypical baby was moving and compared Cesar to him, I was happy that Cesar did not turn out to be a ‘atypical’ baby, because it was clear that the atypical baby was struggling and did not have an effective body to develop and grow effectively. I saw myself going into this point of satisfaction where I kind of went ‘Aaah, everything is okay – I can be relaxed now’ – and as I was allowing this experience to take over, there was a moment of silence within me – and then I asked myself: Wait – what is going on here?

Because what I saw in that moment, is that I could care less about this atypical baby that’s struggling it’s ass off to move himself in his reality and carry his development forward. In a way, it was almost as if there was a form of being pleased that this baby is struggling, where there is this odd logic existent where ‘because this other baby is struggling, my baby has a greater chance of being a winner’.

It’s like, we’ve become so accustomed to the idea that there are always those who lag behind, those who are normal and those who are always at the frontier in society. Whether it’s in growth/development, school, relationships and ultimately jobs/careers. So if someone else in your ‘peer group’ fall in the category if being part of the ‘losers’, then that’s already one less statistical chance of you being in that position.

So when you’re faced with a situation where someone else is disadvantaged, you’re happy because, at least it’s not you or – at least it’s not your baby. Who cares about this other person/kid who is struggling and where this might follow him/her his/her entire life? At least I/my baby’s part of the winners and he will make it in life.

So there’s no regard whatsoever for other people, other children, other forms of life. All that matter is you and your baby. So here I could see, how in the way I was participating in this point of developmental milestones, where I had allowed it to become emotionally and feeling charged – this was another form of Survivalism, where I was trying to gauge and measure ‘how good my baby’s chances of survival are in the world’ – and where an unspoken decision had already been made that I would look after ‘only my baby’ and that I care for ‘only my baby’ – as if there is some tacit rule that each one must just look after their own offspring and ‘may the best win’ type of thing.

And I mean, it was not as if I was consciously voicing thoughts of this nature within myself – it was just like an overall ‘feeling’ that was just scarcely noticeable which was just silently hovering around, like a slight mist present all over inside myself. And only once I started investigating my conscious fears, and then investigating the emotional charged, I really became aware of this presence which is kind of like the rules of the game you are playing, which you once upon a time had agreed upon but had forgotten about. Yet, you were still playing within those parameters as the rules has become normalized through acceptance and allowance.

To be continued