Journey to a New Life

In my previous blog I described some points I faced with the idea of ‘becoming a mother’, where I was lacking trust within myself which moved me to look for ‘what to do’ and ‘how to be’ within the information and knowledge I had acquired over my life on the topic of ‘being a mother’.

What was quite fascinating was that most of the inner conflict and friction which played out inside myself, took place predominantly while I was pregnant and not yet a mother in fact – where I was still busy entering the ‘unknown’ and would allow myself to get swept away by little nagging fears which would present themselves here and there. Then – when I had my baby and looking back in retrospect: most of the points I had been fussing about inside myself simply disappeared. Turned out that ‘being a mother’ and ‘thinking what it’s like to be a mother’ are worlds apart (surprise! Lol).

While I had carried much anxiety about the new role I would be taking on – actually living it was a down to earth process, simply walking things moment by moment. Assessing new points, new directions as they come up – always referencing back to my principles, cross-referencing with others: basically walking the mother process as I would walk any other point or project.

It keeps astonishing me how much value and credit we tend to give to the thoughts, imaginations, ideas and projections that come circling inside our head. When I was in that state – it felt ‘so real’ so ‘convincing’ all these worries, thoughts – they must be valid! They must be relevant! But then when you get to the actual physical living of a point or process, they just go *poof*. Makes you wonder what else in your reality you’re investing credence into that’s just waiting to get caught out and disappear.

If I look at the amount of information I was holding unto and what I perceived ‘being a mother’ to be – it was a mountain of stuff and if you looked up you couldn’t see the end of it. Then, the actual walking, what it actually entails – the simplicity of what you’re actually working with = you can hold it in the palm of your hand.

We tend to bring and haul in so many issues when we look at what it means to parent, to being a mother – as we’re very good at making things complicated and valuing things which are of little relevance. For that, it can be helpful to look at nature and how nature/the animals express parenting/being a mother. Animals don’t share our weakness for making things complicated and creating attachments where none are required. So when we look at nature / the animal kingdom and the general (with the emphasis on general because some animals’ parenting could use some serious upgrading, like the geese we have on our farm) trend of how ‘being a mother’ is expressed – it is actually a very simple point:

You have an animal who gave birth to another animal/being and who nurtures/looks out for the animal until the animal can take that role unto itself and then that’s that. And here, even the ‘birthing’ part is optional in the animal kingdom (as some animals raise other animals their young albeit knowing or unknowingly).

One lioness is not going to be bothered worrying about what any other lionesses thinks of her parenting or how she looks as a mother or how her cubs look/act compared to other cubs, she doesn't go off gossiping with other lionesses or whatever other weird things we humans entertain and preoccupy ourselves with.

Now, in terms of humans and walking your Journey to Life – it’s just a matter of taking this elementary point and placing it within the context of what is Best for All so that you as a mother take it upon yourself to guide, nurture and direct your child so he/she may achieve its utmost potential in all dimensions (eg. physically and in one’s character/expression).

Once you have integrated this definition as your baseline, as what you are living by within being ‘a mother’ – it’s just a matter of living and walking day by day, moment by moment – and checking that whenever a decision/direction arises, that your course of action/decisions matches your commitment of living the word ‘mother’. And you simply check: if I do this, am I in anyway compromising my child? Is there another way? Is there a better way? Am I adhering to an idea/belief/value inside my head or am I taking into consideration physical reality / what will actually empower/support my child?

And as you go along, you may make mistakes, you may find that there was a different way, a better way, you may find you acted according to a belief that you weren’t aware of, … -- and so you specify yourself and improve your way of seeing/looking at things and perfect your skills of supporting another being as yourself. But the one point which is paramount, is to in every moment check and cross-reference your course of actions/decisions within yourself, within your own self-honesty. To have that relationship of engagement with yourself where you check every point to ensure that you are in fact parenting in awareness, that you are in fact in every moment being the directive principle, that you have in fact checked the foundation of your decision and that you can stand by it – to not leave a moment up to ‘automated parenting’ where you’re just acting and directing things from a starting point of ‘what you think’ you should be doing, where you haven’t actually investigated the basis of what you are doing or merely acting/playing out a pattern not really knowing why or how you could improve it. These are the ‘danger traps’, where if you leave the directive seat within yourself for a moment, and kind of ‘sit back and relax’ within yourself and act/live/guide according to how you feel, how you are experiencing yourself and the things that pop-up in your head: those are the moments where you are stunting your own self-expansion, your own potential and directly stunt and diminish your child’s self-development and expression. And this is about the 'hardest' part of being a parent - to keep pushing and moving yourself to be in the directive seat, to move and live in awareness - to make that decision to live and create a reality for yourself where you're the one checking and directing things, and to move and keep your feet out of the mind's reality: over and over again until one day there is only one reality as the one where you're constantly in awareness and the directive principle in every single moment.

GnaGnaGna!

In my previous blog I ended off with a scenario where you are still in the days where taking care of a baby is an extensive job, and where in those moments where you find yourself ‘going the extra mile’ within taking care of your baby – that it is easy to create a negative/bad energetic experience within yourself, where you’re carrying out the task of tending to your baby but carry an experience of dislike/resistance where one would rather not be doing what one is doing. I also wrote how babies pick up on these inner-conflict experiences and in essence witness the parent(s) going through an ‘inner-tantrum’ and within doing so, learn that it is okay/acceptable/alright to bring up and express emotion turmoil when ‘things are not the way I want them to be/would have liked them to be’.

So now, your baby has had many opportunities to observe you in your inner-tantrum (from a little nagging experience to very loud backchat – the size of the tantrum doesn’t matter) when things are not going ‘the way you would have liked them to go’. Each time baby witnesses you in that state - that is the behaviour that is being taught to the child. As time goes by, the baby grows up and is able to do more things and be more independent. Here you’re at a stage where taking care of a baby is still intensive and extensive – but not at the ‘hardcore’ levels as when the baby was very small and completely vulnerable – not being able to do anything without an adults help.

Now an interesting thing develops because the demandingness of taking care of the baby is relaxing and suddenly there is space for ‘choice’ again (‘Again’ – meaning, where prior to you having the baby you had quite a bit of space in terms of having time set towards responsibilities but also having space/time towards your own where you can indulge in what you like to do or find important, whereas once the baby comes, there’s only the baby and everything ‘you’ or ‘personal’ disappears for a while). The baby is able to entertain itself for a bit, doesn’t need to be fed constantly so feedings aren’t as pressing/can be more flexible, the baby doesn’t poop himself every hour so his diaper can be on for a bit longer,… So the amount of time that you spend/dedicate towards your baby becomes less and a margin of time starts emerging here and there where you can start doing things ‘for yourself’ or pick up on things that you did before you had the baby.

With having been constricted to only taking care of your baby for such a long time, this ‘me time’ can be considered to be precious and this then creates an opportunity for compromise to creep in. Since the baby is now ‘out of immediate danger’ in terms of not needing constant adult handling, some baby related things can be delayed for a bit while you can extend your ‘personal time’. What I found with myself is that this ‘space’ that opens up can be tricky, where I could catch myself delaying something for just a bit too long, wanting to hold on to ‘my time’ or where I would kind of ‘huff and puff’ within having to ‘give up’ my ‘me time’ to tend to the baby.

It’s quite interesting how the developmental cycle of babies is set up, because it seems to go through cycles where you for a period of time have to spend all / most of your time towards the baby – where it then eases off a bit and you have more space/time to do other things as well – to then again spending all / most of your time taking care of your baby directly. It’s a nice testing ground in a way, where for some time you get to practice taking care of another and doing what needs to be done without having any space for yourself – to then doing the same but have some margin of space for yourself to check whether you can still be diligent and responsible within taking care of your baby without getting distracted/tempted by the ‘personal space’ that opens up – where one dips one’s toes ‘too deep’ and allow yourself to get carried away by this ‘freedom’ and start compromising towards your baby instead of keeping a balance between tending to your baby to the best of your ability and enjoying your ‘me time’ when it is here without wanting to hold on to it/creating it at the expense of your baby.

I’d for instance be working on something while Cesar would be entertaining himself and being content just roaming and exploring the room on his own with me still keeping an eye on him – to where all of a sudden discomfort comes up and he requires some assistance stabilizing himself where I would kind of go ‘Oh no’ inside myself because ‘I am working on this now’ and ‘I want to finish this’ / ‘Let me just round it up’ – where I am wanting to hold on to this ‘me time’/’what I am doing’ and will delay or want to delay getting to Cesar because what he is doing/going through is ‘incompatible’ with my desired situation/circumstance of ‘me working on this document’ / ‘me finishing this task’ – where instead of being here in every moment and being flexible – tending to Cesar when I need to and tending to my points when there is space to; easily letting go and moving around from point to point; – I am holding on to a mental projection of how I think/believe time should go/how the situation should go and want reality to adapt to my mental composition rather than me adapting to physical reality.

So this would be an example where one would compromise within slipping in self-interest where you for a moment place more value on a mental idea/ one’s desires rather than directly, common sensically move self to tend to the baby. So here you also have a scenario where the baby ‘needs something’ from you but you don’t give it. And in being aware that you’re dipping your toes in the pool of self-interest within holding on to your desire – guilt starts to brew inside yourself.

What happens then is that at some other time you are playing with the baby and now the baby is doing something/playing with something/ eating something that it actually shouldn’t or that could be consequential if it becomes a habit – and where in that moment, you should actually direct the baby and intervene, and maybe you do try and intervene and now it’s the baby that is upset and throwing a tantrum because ‘it’s not getting what he/she wants’ (just like me, the adult in the previous example, throwing a little inner tantrum because I wasn’t getting what I wanted within having to stop what I was doing and get to Cesar – starting to see how this pattern plays out?) and within having guilt existent within you for having robbed your child/baby previously of that moment where he/she needed you – you will now ‘give in’ and ‘let it slide’ where you will allow your baby his/her happiness point because you allowed yourself to hold on to your happiness point on previous occasion(s).

This is where the Baby Economicus starts to emerge – where a silent agreement starts developing between the parent and child that ‘if you allow me my indulgence for a moment, I will let you get yours as well later’. So now you start building a relationship with your baby based on perpetuate compromise where you can only keep things ‘happy’ and apparently ‘stable’ by each one giving in to each other’s’ little self-gratifications. If this is allowed to continue you slowly but surely move away from conducting yourself in a way that’s best for your baby/child to what’s best for our ‘trade relationship’. Because you’re then in essence trading moments: “if you give me this moment for my self interest, then I will give you that moment for your self-interest” – and oh boy if you forget your end of the deal, your baby/child will gladly and theatrically remind you of your ‘trade agreement’. The first thing Baby Economicus learns about human behaviour is: if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

So all in all, while one was trying to keep self from having to ‘sacrifice’ – where you don’t want to sacrifice your moment for the sake of what’s best for the baby, you end up doing exactly that – constantly sacrificing, but sacrificing the reverse where you sacrifice what’s best for your baby for the sake of the mind. So we end up sacrificing in the wrong moments in the wrong way. Where we will not intervene/direct our child/baby when we have to and intervene/manipulate the child when we shouldn’t – because it’s all done within the starting point of maintaining one’s self interest and within doing so, in extension building and maintaining the baby’s/child’s self interest.

If you have or have had a baby in your life, you are probably acquainted with the concept of ‘developmental milestones’.
If you are not familiar with the concept, it basically refers to particular behaviors or physical skills seen in babies (and older infants as well) at particular stages in their life/development – hence ‘developmental milestone’. Whenever you go for a baby-check up, the doctor or nurse tending to your baby will want to assess where your baby is at by evaluating your babies ability or inability to perform particular actions. Particular months/weeks of a baby’s life are tied to particular milestones, which a baby would reach if they follow a ‘typical’ developmental path. These refer to averages and in general there is quite a margin for being ‘early’ or ‘late’ to reach a milestone without this being any point of concern.
While the use and reference to developmental milestones is supposed to be of a practical nature, I have found both in my personal experience and observing other mothers – that it can be quite an emotional topic.
When we speak and think of mothers, we very often see and present mothers in a light where they are overwhelmed with worries and concerns about their children. When it was known that I was going to be a mother, I got welcomed by a few people to a reality with ‘non-stop-fear’ or telling me to ‘get ready to worry endlessly’. It’s as if being a mother and living in fear is a given. Since I’ve been a mother I’ve faced my fair deal or fears, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the ‘worried mom’ phenomena starts right at the beginning with the developmental milestones.
Birth
In a way, birth itself it could be interpreted as a developmental milestone. When the baby gets born, one of the first things that gets done by the pediatrician that is present, is checking the baby’s Apgar score. The Apgar score is a method designed to evaluate the baby’s physical condition, and to quickly ascertain whether or not there is a need for special medical care or emergency treatment.

The factors that get looked at are: appearance of the skin, the heart rate, grimace response, activity and muscle tone and respiration. Each one of these factors is evaluated on a scale from 0 to 2 – and then added together, so that you have end score between 0 and 10 (10 being perfect). This scoring test gets done at 1 minute after birth and 5 minutes after birth.

This is the first instance where your child gets measured and is assigned a ‘score’, where you get to know ‘whether your child is normal’ – and so the perfect moment for motherhood paranoia to set in.

Next, your baby gets weighed and measured – again, the perfect moment for interpretation and paranoia to creep in: Is my baby too skinny? Is my baby too fat? Should I have eaten differently while I was pregnant? What’s wrong with me for giving birth to a baby that’s skinny/small/big/large?

On the other hand, if everything is ‘in range’ (which really only means that your baby hit the statistical average), mother proudness can show its face – who’s best friends with motherhood paranoia. Because instead of going ‘Oh no I probably did all of this and that wrong’, the mind goes ‘I must be such a good mother for producing such a healthy baby!!’.

It’s only day one – and you’re already on the road to becoming a mental case lol.
To be continued

When and as I see myself access a negative energy experience when I feel nausea come up – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am anticipating an ‘unpleasant’ experience and within that already instill an experience of unpleasantness before anything has even happened and so I commit myself to stop and let go of the thought, ground myself within and my human physical body in breath

When and as I see myself change my experience/mood according to how I feel physically – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that there is no point to further perpetuate a physical imbalance by adding a mental imbalance on top of it and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and disengage my participation within the energy involved

When and as I see myself react to nausea and/or stomach sensitivity within thinking ‘Oh no, not again’ or ‘Here we go again’ and within that moment feel myself ‘drop lower’ inside myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am only making things worse for myself by adding an additional mental layer to an already unpleasant experience which does not need to be more unpleasant than what it already is and so I commit myself to snap myself out of this thought pattern and take a deep breath to assist and support myself in grounding myself in my human physical body

When and as I see myself access a feeling of ‘diminishment’ paired to a reduction in my capacity – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to experience myself within this negative energetic charge and that I can simply adjust and make due within the new situation without attaching anything to it which is what I commit myself to

When and as I see myself access a negative energetic experience of self-pity within having to take my bodies processes into account more and create a negative experience around it within a point of “I have no choice” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am dramatizing the situation and so I commit myself to remind myself that there were many points of ‘no choice’ before I was experiencing myself like this within human physical body and so I stop the energetic charge and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself react within self-pity when being confronted to a limited choice of food things to eat or things I can do – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I need to simply take these points into account without creating anything about it and so I commit myself to remind myself that I don’t go and pity myself each time I have to go to the toilet which is also a point of ‘no choice’ and so I ground myself within and as my human physical body in breath

When and as I see myself experience myself as ‘less’ and ‘diminished’ within being more restricted in what I can do and end up feeling ‘useless’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I have created a necessary connection between what someone ‘can do’ and what a person is ‘worth’ as part of the capitalistic system we have accepted and allowed to direct our living in this world, where people are valued by what they can do instead of who they are as life and so I commit myself to stop and disengage from this energy/thought pattern as I see and realize what I am participating in / supporting within maintaining this pattern