Showing posts with label burden. Show all posts
Showing posts with label burden. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Day 67: Parenting as Duty vs Parenting as Self-Expression - Part 1 | Parenting & Fairness
Continuing from: Day 66: Why Do I Hate Being a Mother? | Parenting & Fairness
Another dimension I would like to explore / open-up in relation to being unhappy or simply having resistance from time to time towards tending to your parental responsibilities is that of parenting being a ‘duty’ versus parenting as self-expression.
Often I found within myself, when there was resistance or a nagging sensation within myself within moments where I had to tend to my baby, that I within that moment was approaching parenting/tending to my child as a ‘duty’; and so as something that I ‘have to do’/’must do’.
Parenting then becomes a ‘duty’, where you are ‘paying your dues’. The problem with ‘duty’ is that you will only do what is due, when something is due – where your starting point is determined by a negative energetic experience. Once you have ‘paid your dues’ – you stop. There is now nothing left to move you – all dues are gone, you are no longer obliged to move and so you don’t. You stop being a parent the moment the need for it is removed. You are parenting at the bare minimum, where self will do what needs to be done – but please don’t ask me to do more.
What’s fascinating about this – is that your range of movement as a parent is limited within a scope of negativity to neutrality. You will only ever ‘be a parent’ as ‘performing parenting tasks/points’ when there is a need for it, and this ‘need’ is channelled through a negative energetic charge within yourself, by your very starting point. Then when you have completed your duties, and all is back to neutrality – you stop being a parent the moment your duties are over. Now you go back to ‘being me’, ‘doing what I want to do’. Implied within that, is that you will only ever experience Parenting as being something negative, as a burden, as a duty – because you yourself set yourself up to only play out your parenting role when there is a need for it. And this need is always situated within a context of negativity, where you can only remove what is due/the negative by performing your duty. Now the child has stopped crying, now I can return to what I was doing.
If you look at dues and debt – you will only ever pay what is due. And you pay your dues because it is written somewhere that ‘you have to’. There’s an actual figure indicating/showing you what is needed from you, and as you pay your dues, the negative figure decreases until it reaches zero and then you stop paying your debt. You don’t go on paying more money once you’ve reached zero!
So when you parent from a starting point of duty – you do the same. You do what needs to be done but once the need has been removed you stop, you retreat. Parenting is then a formality, you do it because ‘it is written somewhere’ that you have to do it. You don’t do it from a point of understanding, you don’t put anything from yourself into it, you don’t allow yourself to explore what is possible when there is ‘no more need’, you don’t do it just for the sake of it – the very notion of spending more time/moments with your child, giving more of yourself is seen as ‘a waste’ (just as you would paying more than what your debt told you to pay). And every time you ‘pay your dues’ as ‘tending to your child’ – you take note of it, you keep a record – just like you would with a bank account where money movement is involved. And then later, when you child is older – you can remind him/her of these records and what the child now ‘owes you’ in return. Look at all these things I did for you – now what will you do for me?
This is parenting on automatic mode – there’s no life in your actions, in your attention. You are simply reacting to impulses. The impulses stop and you stop. You did not do those things ‘for the child’ – you did them out of duty, you fulfilled your duty – but you did not fulfil your child.
To be continued…
Often I found within myself, when there was resistance or a nagging sensation within myself within moments where I had to tend to my baby, that I within that moment was approaching parenting/tending to my child as a ‘duty’; and so as something that I ‘have to do’/’must do’.
Parenting then becomes a ‘duty’, where you are ‘paying your dues’. The problem with ‘duty’ is that you will only do what is due, when something is due – where your starting point is determined by a negative energetic experience. Once you have ‘paid your dues’ – you stop. There is now nothing left to move you – all dues are gone, you are no longer obliged to move and so you don’t. You stop being a parent the moment the need for it is removed. You are parenting at the bare minimum, where self will do what needs to be done – but please don’t ask me to do more.
What’s fascinating about this – is that your range of movement as a parent is limited within a scope of negativity to neutrality. You will only ever ‘be a parent’ as ‘performing parenting tasks/points’ when there is a need for it, and this ‘need’ is channelled through a negative energetic charge within yourself, by your very starting point. Then when you have completed your duties, and all is back to neutrality – you stop being a parent the moment your duties are over. Now you go back to ‘being me’, ‘doing what I want to do’. Implied within that, is that you will only ever experience Parenting as being something negative, as a burden, as a duty – because you yourself set yourself up to only play out your parenting role when there is a need for it. And this need is always situated within a context of negativity, where you can only remove what is due/the negative by performing your duty. Now the child has stopped crying, now I can return to what I was doing.
If you look at dues and debt – you will only ever pay what is due. And you pay your dues because it is written somewhere that ‘you have to’. There’s an actual figure indicating/showing you what is needed from you, and as you pay your dues, the negative figure decreases until it reaches zero and then you stop paying your debt. You don’t go on paying more money once you’ve reached zero!
So when you parent from a starting point of duty – you do the same. You do what needs to be done but once the need has been removed you stop, you retreat. Parenting is then a formality, you do it because ‘it is written somewhere’ that you have to do it. You don’t do it from a point of understanding, you don’t put anything from yourself into it, you don’t allow yourself to explore what is possible when there is ‘no more need’, you don’t do it just for the sake of it – the very notion of spending more time/moments with your child, giving more of yourself is seen as ‘a waste’ (just as you would paying more than what your debt told you to pay). And every time you ‘pay your dues’ as ‘tending to your child’ – you take note of it, you keep a record – just like you would with a bank account where money movement is involved. And then later, when you child is older – you can remind him/her of these records and what the child now ‘owes you’ in return. Look at all these things I did for you – now what will you do for me?
This is parenting on automatic mode – there’s no life in your actions, in your attention. You are simply reacting to impulses. The impulses stop and you stop. You did not do those things ‘for the child’ – you did them out of duty, you fulfilled your duty – but you did not fulfil your child.
To be continued…
Friday, April 12, 2013
Day 13: Fear of Becoming My Mother - Part Two
When and as I see myself attach and access an experience of 'coldness' in relation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is not a necessary characteristic of the word 'mother', but one I assigned to it. I commit myself to let go of the reaction/experience within the realisation that I am the one who decides what definition a word carries
When and as I see myself having an image of an 'ice queen' pop up in relation to the word 'Mother', I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing connections based on past experiences which do not need to have any relevance to the practical living of the word 'mother' and so I commit myself to delete/stop the image and ground myself within my human physical body
When and as I see myself access the belief/judgment that the word 'mother' is bad or 'evil' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely reacting based on emotionally charged memories from the past and so I commit myself to clear myself within and as breath
When and as I see myself having an image of a rigid old lady with a prune face pop-up in relation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing an image based on an interpretation of the word 'mother' based on past experiences. I commit myself to delete the image and let go of the experience and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself belief that my reactions and feelings about a particular word are 'real' in terms of believing that my reactions and feelings are what the word is and consists of -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the reactions and experiences are merely the product of accumulation of memory and associations and so I commit myself to let go, breathe and investigate what I want a particular word to be
When and as I see myself connect/attach a judge-like connotation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have connected these two points based on my experience of the word mother -- but that I do not have to live the word 'mother' this way. I commit myself to let go of the reaction and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself connect an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ as well as the belief that ‘being a mother is living in fear’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not require to live by this idea/belief and that there is another way of being a ‘mother’ other than that which I personally experienced and so I commit myself to delete the image/belief and trust myself to be able to live by a definition of mother that I can stand by / endorse
When and as I see myself connect the word ‘burden’ to the word ‘mother’ within a negative energy connotation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am merely accessing past memories and images of my own mother to the word ‘mother’ to ‘fill it up’ and give it content and so I commit myself to breathe and let go of this association
When and as I see myself having an image of my mother sitting in the couch looking all tired/exhausted come up, in relation to the word mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to hold on to this memory as I see and realize that I do not need to repeat the past. I commit myself to breathe, let go and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself access the belief that a mother should ‘know it all’ within ‘being an adult’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to pretend to know it all when I know that I do not know it all because that’s just lying to myself lol and so I commit myself to let go of this belief
When and as I see myself connect the world ‘control’ to the word ‘mother’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that control is often utilized by parents because they have not yet investigated for themselves how things can be done within common sense and then resort to fear tactics to control one’s children. I commit myself to let go of the control connotation and trust myself that I can do without
When and as I see myself react to the word ‘mother’ within the belief that I have to now become this persona/role as all the attachments and ideas I have created about ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my personal relationship with my mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to do this and that I do not have to walk the same role as how mother’s currently are as there is another way. I commit myself to decide for myself what kind of mother I want to be within standing as an example of what it means to live one’s life with honour and integrity towards Life and a Consideration for what is Best for All
When and as I see myself fearing becoming my own mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am lucky to have been given and taught the tools of Self Forgiveness and Self Change and that within using these tools I can script my own path to parenthood as what I want to live by and so I commit myself to let go of the fear and embrace the tools I have and walk my process of self-perfection
Monday, April 8, 2013
Day 12: Fear of Becoming My Mother
This blog is a continuation to:
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
Day 11: Because I Said So – Mother (Part 3)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an experience of ‘coldness’ to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of an ‘ice queen’ to the word/concept of ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that the word mother is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ within observing my own mother’s reaction to the word ‘Mother’ – where it was made clear that I should not utter this wicked word towards my mother and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have copied my mother’s interpretation/perception/opinion/impression of the word ‘mother’ and made it my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the image of a rigid old lady with a prune face to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my associations to the word mother were necessary characteristics of what it means to ‘be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the word ‘mother’ a ‘judge-like’ connotation wherein the mother is the one who dictates to the child what is what and what is good/right and bad/wrong and then ‘that’s the way it is’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined care as living within constant fear and thus having defined ‘being a mother’ as ‘living within constant fear’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘burden’ to ‘mother’ and to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘burden’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an image of my mother sitting in the couch at the end of the day and looking exhausted to the word ‘mother’ – where this image caries the meaning of the ‘burdensomeness of motherhood’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘adult’ to the word ‘mother’ – wherein the word ‘adult’ represents a point of ‘authority’ and ‘know it all’ and carries a resonance of ‘pretense’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘adult’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘control’ to ‘mother’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative charge to the word ‘control’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word ‘mother’ and the word ‘mother’ in relation to ‘myself’ – within accessing all the various associations and connotations which I have accumulated throughout the past which now constitute as my definition of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am now pregnant and am going to give birth and thus technically = I am going to be a mother – that I know have to take on the role/suite of ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my experience of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my own mother
To be continued…
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
Day 11: Because I Said So – Mother (Part 3)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an experience of ‘coldness’ to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of an ‘ice queen’ to the word/concept of ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that the word mother is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ within observing my own mother’s reaction to the word ‘Mother’ – where it was made clear that I should not utter this wicked word towards my mother and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have copied my mother’s interpretation/perception/opinion/impression of the word ‘mother’ and made it my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the image of a rigid old lady with a prune face to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my associations to the word mother were necessary characteristics of what it means to ‘be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the word ‘mother’ a ‘judge-like’ connotation wherein the mother is the one who dictates to the child what is what and what is good/right and bad/wrong and then ‘that’s the way it is’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined care as living within constant fear and thus having defined ‘being a mother’ as ‘living within constant fear’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘burden’ to ‘mother’ and to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘burden’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an image of my mother sitting in the couch at the end of the day and looking exhausted to the word ‘mother’ – where this image caries the meaning of the ‘burdensomeness of motherhood’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘adult’ to the word ‘mother’ – wherein the word ‘adult’ represents a point of ‘authority’ and ‘know it all’ and carries a resonance of ‘pretense’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘adult’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘control’ to ‘mother’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative charge to the word ‘control’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word ‘mother’ and the word ‘mother’ in relation to ‘myself’ – within accessing all the various associations and connotations which I have accumulated throughout the past which now constitute as my definition of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am now pregnant and am going to give birth and thus technically = I am going to be a mother – that I know have to take on the role/suite of ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my experience of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my own mother
To be continued…
Friday, April 5, 2013
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
In my last blog I started looking at some of the associations/connections that I have created towards the word ‘Mother’ – and within doing so, actually also looking at/investigating my relationship with my own mother – as the primary baseline on which I constructed my definition of ‘what a mother is’ and what emotions/feelings are attached to it.
The association points which I discussed in my previous blog were:
- Ice queen
- Morality
- Fear – and where this fear is closely connected to what it means to ‘care’
Related to the image of my mom’s “caring” yet fearful face – is an image of my mom sitting on the couch at the end of the day. To this I connected the ‘burden of being a mother’. My mother worked a bit more than half-time. She would get everything ready for us in the morning, she would take the train to work, get back home in the evening and then start with cooking. Then she would have to do work for school (she was a teacher) and then late at night she could just plop down the couch and relax. She maintained the house all by herself in terms of cleaning. All we kids had to do was clean our room (which in my case rarely happened); sometimes put the dishes away and from time to time kick our dirty laundry down the stairs for our mom to pick up. So even though she worked “part-time” at school, including with everything she did in the house and family things – she was pretty much working all the time.
I would often tease her and harass her in the evenings, when my parents would put up a movie to watch that we didn’t want to see – and then they’d fall asleep after ten minutes being completely knocked out. In the evenings I would also ask her to do or check things for me and then she would say something like ‘Please, just let me SIT for 10 minutes!!!’ – where sometimes I thought if I would push more she would end up crying or something. So here, the whole ‘burden’ association came from: being a mother is hard, you have to bring in money, take care of the kids, take care of the husband, take care of the house and in the evening you can sit for a bit before you’re knocked out and that’s your “me-time”.
The next association is that of ‘mother’ being connected to ‘adult’.
I touched on this point in one of my other blogs in my Leila’s Journey to Life blog, in Day 173: My Moral Code & Politics and the blogs that followed from that. The Adult point consists of kind of a dogmatic belief that Adults ‘know it all’ and Adults ‘know best’. Like there is an unspoken agreement between all adults to act as if they know what they are doing, and deliberately act in a way so that anyone who’s not an adults (= kids) does NOT know everything and should thus ‘shut up, be quiet and listen/respect your elders’. That’s not how I looked at it back then though. When I was the kid, it was a naivety and also kind of a point of innocence, where you trust your parents to know what they’re doing. I strongly believed that whatever decisions my parents made, they had good reason to go for that decision. After all, they are ‘adults’ – they have been around longer than I have, they must be right.
And I mean, the first thing I was faced with when finding out that I was pregnant was “Shit I am not prepared for this”. There are so many things that I still have to figure out and so many things that I have questions about – how the hell am I now going to take care of someone else? I can’t handle that trust – I don’t know anything!!!
I remember when I found out that my parents weren’t omniscient – and it was a big deal, I really felt betrayed because they had purposely portrayed themselves this way to get us to be obedient and see them as authority figures – I felt manipulated! So one of the reactions I had to finding out that I was going to be a mother was ‘Am I now also have to join that gang, and ‘pretend’ that I know “everything” and “know what I am doing”. You could say I connected ‘Adult’ to ‘Mother’ and in turn connected ‘Deceiver/Pretender’ to ‘Adult’ lol.
Will continue with this association exercise in my next blog
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