Journey to a New Life

Since Cesar was born, he has gone through many phases in his life. With these phases, I don't mean developmental phases (although in a way, they are), but points in his reality that he gets really interested and obsessed with. These are usually of a kind that is kind of, well 'unpleasant' for the rest of the people living in his environment.

One example would be throwing around the dogs' steel bowls. It makes such a big noise (like someone constantly banging on drum cymbals), but he was absolutely fascinated by it. My first instict was to 'make him stop' because I knew this could be bothersome and distracting to other people. Because I was coming from a point of fear of 'what others might think'; I wasn't considering Cesar within this equation. Making him stop or preventing it was very difficult and he would end up doing it anyway, but with even more vigour as he now knew that 'he might soon not be able to'.

This method was obviously not working for him or for me so I took a moment to stop and really look at what was happening. I looked at Cesar and I looked at myself when I was young and absolutely fascinated by something. I saw that what he was going through was simply a natural curiosity of cause and effect and exploring all the objects in his world. Once he had fully explored an object, he'd be done with it because through his exploration he now got a good understanding of what the object is all about and there is no longer a drive to 'see what happens'; he has tested it all, he know simply knows.

So instead of fighting whatever phase he finds himself in at any particular time; I embrace it - as I understand it's just part of his learning process. Instead of stopping him and getting frustrated I look at how else his particular point of focus can be explored. We can push a bowl sideways so it rolls like a wheel. We can spin it like a spinning top. We can bang it against different objects to see what different sounds it makes. He's learning new things about physical reality, and gets to know what he wants to know much quicker then if he would have gone through a continuous stop-start process where his curiosity never gets satisfied - leaving both him and myself disgruntled. So whenever you find yourself in a situation where you want to make your child stop, I ask yourself: "Am I empowering him or am I simply limiting him out of convenience?"
These simple shifts in perspective can make such a huge change in making your daily life a more flowing and smooth experience!

In this blog I want to share a little ‘method’ I’ve been applying with Cesar which has been working out nicely.

I have to move around a lot during the day, going from room to room, going to different place – and everywhere I go: Cesar comes with me. Whenever we are in a space, Cesar will find something that he wants to explore or play with. When I am done with whatever I had to do in a particular space and have to move on to the next point – Cesar is usually ‘not done’ in that he is still busy exploring or playing with something.

At first, I would see that he is obviously enjoying himself or being intrigued by whatever new object he got his hands on – but within having to go, and only considering my schedule and ‘what I need to do next’; I would pick him up and remove him from what he was busy with or place back what he took and then pick him up – where he very often would let out a shriek of discontent; but where I figured that ‘he needs to just get over this’ as we can’t always do ‘what he wants to do’ and so would cringe a bit inside myself but move on to the next thing.

This pattern started happening more and more and I wasn’t satisfied with my own inner-experience as these scenarios would play out. The cringing-experience inside myself, to me indicated that somewhere I am compromising and missing a point – because if I were confident in my actions, then there would be no experience, as what I would be doing would simply be: common sense. But this cringing-experience kept coming up each time I would remove him and we’d move on, so I decided to slow down and zoom-in to what goes on in these play-outs.

So the one day, as I was in the bathroom with him and he found himself an empty shampoo bottle to play with – I was looking at what I was about to do, as picking him up and going back to our room and how it usually plays out. As I played it out for myself within myself, I saw that I was only ever taking my perspective into account, where I was only worried and concerned about ‘getting to everything’. I realised, that I had completely forgotten about Cesar and how he ‘fills up’ his day. I only ever looked at how my timeline was playing out and not looking at his!
There was this idea that, I, the grown up has specific plans, with a specific purpose and specific reasoning about these plans – where I saw Cesar, the baby, as kind of just being random in that there’s no particular direction or structure in his day, and so he can just ‘tag along’ because you know, he’s just kind of like ‘whatever’.

So what I saw then and there is that, even though he doesn’t have an organized way of going about his day or giving himself an overall structured direction – he does give himself direction in every moment, in his own way. Sure, his trip to the bathroom wasn’t planned and only occurred because I had to take a potty break – but him reaching for the empty shampoo bottle: that was a specific decision. Him touching, moving, throwing – interacting with the empty shampoo bottle in various ways: this was him directing himself, this was him being involved with something. And if I am stuck in my world where I am going ‘okay, done with this lets go on to the next thing’ and simply pick him up while he is participating with an object in this manner, then I am in fact interrupting his ‘purposed-plan’ as what he decided to do now and interact with.

So even though I have my world where certain things need to be done, Cesar also has his own world where he is doing things – it’s just not as apparent since it doesn’t conform to ‘adult logic’ but relates his experience and whatever way he in that moment/stage is exploring the world and developing his relationship with his environment and himself.

So in that moment where he is playing with the empty shampoo bottle, he is just as ‘purpose-driven’ as I am in wanting to get to the next room to get on to the next thing – just in a different form. I know I don’t like to suddenly be interrupted and ripped away from something I was giving my attention to and sharing my moment with, so why should I treat Cesar as such?

If I was busy reading a book and someone would just take it away all of a sudden – I’d also be like ‘Oi!! I was busy with that!!!’ So, that’s what Cesar’s doing when he is playing or exploring something. He goes totally into it, and for that moment, the only thing that exists is him and the object he is exploring/playing with.

So when I realised that I was actually being quite rude to interrupt him just like that and expect him to be okay with just ‘tagging along’ and expecting him to be able to ‘immediately let go’ of whatever he was doing – I changed my approach. Sometimes, if time allows it, we will stay a bit longer and I will let him play a bit longer with what he is doing or join in. Then, when it is time to go – I will tell him, and I also announce to him now every time that I am ‘going to pick you up now!’. Then, as I let him know, I will place my hands around his waist – but instead of then immediately picking him up – I will just leave my hands there for a moment and count to three inside myself or out loud. So that, when I announce to him what’s going to happen next, he knows there’s about to be a change, and then the moment I am placing my hands on his waists and leaving them for a moment: he has time to internally let go of what he is doing. Then when I pick him up, he has been able to process the change through space and time, instead of in one second being ‘ripped away’ from what he was doing.

I’ve found making this one adjustment in how I interact with him making a big difference in his demeanour, where before he was more frustrated and on edge and now is more flexible and easy going; which makes sense because he is now being considered, and in me slowing down and taking his experience and how he takes things in into account: our relationship is more balanced since I am treating him the way I’d like to be treated, and within that treating him as an equal instead of me role-playing as “adult” and treating him as a “baby”.

So this one point of in essence, ‘stretching things out’ where instead of just picking the baby up and going, where it is now divided and spread out into announcing, giving a moment, and then moving + making it a habit to not only look at my timeline but to basically in every moment that you’re with your child see things from yours and his perspective = adds up to a much better relationship between parent and child.

An EQAFE interview which gives perspective into this and other points is: Understanding Your Baby Within Sharing - Perfecting the Human Race - Parenting – Part 47

GnaGnaGna!

In my previous blog I ended off with a scenario where you are still in the days where taking care of a baby is an extensive job, and where in those moments where you find yourself ‘going the extra mile’ within taking care of your baby – that it is easy to create a negative/bad energetic experience within yourself, where you’re carrying out the task of tending to your baby but carry an experience of dislike/resistance where one would rather not be doing what one is doing. I also wrote how babies pick up on these inner-conflict experiences and in essence witness the parent(s) going through an ‘inner-tantrum’ and within doing so, learn that it is okay/acceptable/alright to bring up and express emotion turmoil when ‘things are not the way I want them to be/would have liked them to be’.

So now, your baby has had many opportunities to observe you in your inner-tantrum (from a little nagging experience to very loud backchat – the size of the tantrum doesn’t matter) when things are not going ‘the way you would have liked them to go’. Each time baby witnesses you in that state - that is the behaviour that is being taught to the child. As time goes by, the baby grows up and is able to do more things and be more independent. Here you’re at a stage where taking care of a baby is still intensive and extensive – but not at the ‘hardcore’ levels as when the baby was very small and completely vulnerable – not being able to do anything without an adults help.

Now an interesting thing develops because the demandingness of taking care of the baby is relaxing and suddenly there is space for ‘choice’ again (‘Again’ – meaning, where prior to you having the baby you had quite a bit of space in terms of having time set towards responsibilities but also having space/time towards your own where you can indulge in what you like to do or find important, whereas once the baby comes, there’s only the baby and everything ‘you’ or ‘personal’ disappears for a while). The baby is able to entertain itself for a bit, doesn’t need to be fed constantly so feedings aren’t as pressing/can be more flexible, the baby doesn’t poop himself every hour so his diaper can be on for a bit longer,… So the amount of time that you spend/dedicate towards your baby becomes less and a margin of time starts emerging here and there where you can start doing things ‘for yourself’ or pick up on things that you did before you had the baby.

With having been constricted to only taking care of your baby for such a long time, this ‘me time’ can be considered to be precious and this then creates an opportunity for compromise to creep in. Since the baby is now ‘out of immediate danger’ in terms of not needing constant adult handling, some baby related things can be delayed for a bit while you can extend your ‘personal time’. What I found with myself is that this ‘space’ that opens up can be tricky, where I could catch myself delaying something for just a bit too long, wanting to hold on to ‘my time’ or where I would kind of ‘huff and puff’ within having to ‘give up’ my ‘me time’ to tend to the baby.

It’s quite interesting how the developmental cycle of babies is set up, because it seems to go through cycles where you for a period of time have to spend all / most of your time towards the baby – where it then eases off a bit and you have more space/time to do other things as well – to then again spending all / most of your time taking care of your baby directly. It’s a nice testing ground in a way, where for some time you get to practice taking care of another and doing what needs to be done without having any space for yourself – to then doing the same but have some margin of space for yourself to check whether you can still be diligent and responsible within taking care of your baby without getting distracted/tempted by the ‘personal space’ that opens up – where one dips one’s toes ‘too deep’ and allow yourself to get carried away by this ‘freedom’ and start compromising towards your baby instead of keeping a balance between tending to your baby to the best of your ability and enjoying your ‘me time’ when it is here without wanting to hold on to it/creating it at the expense of your baby.

I’d for instance be working on something while Cesar would be entertaining himself and being content just roaming and exploring the room on his own with me still keeping an eye on him – to where all of a sudden discomfort comes up and he requires some assistance stabilizing himself where I would kind of go ‘Oh no’ inside myself because ‘I am working on this now’ and ‘I want to finish this’ / ‘Let me just round it up’ – where I am wanting to hold on to this ‘me time’/’what I am doing’ and will delay or want to delay getting to Cesar because what he is doing/going through is ‘incompatible’ with my desired situation/circumstance of ‘me working on this document’ / ‘me finishing this task’ – where instead of being here in every moment and being flexible – tending to Cesar when I need to and tending to my points when there is space to; easily letting go and moving around from point to point; – I am holding on to a mental projection of how I think/believe time should go/how the situation should go and want reality to adapt to my mental composition rather than me adapting to physical reality.

So this would be an example where one would compromise within slipping in self-interest where you for a moment place more value on a mental idea/ one’s desires rather than directly, common sensically move self to tend to the baby. So here you also have a scenario where the baby ‘needs something’ from you but you don’t give it. And in being aware that you’re dipping your toes in the pool of self-interest within holding on to your desire – guilt starts to brew inside yourself.

What happens then is that at some other time you are playing with the baby and now the baby is doing something/playing with something/ eating something that it actually shouldn’t or that could be consequential if it becomes a habit – and where in that moment, you should actually direct the baby and intervene, and maybe you do try and intervene and now it’s the baby that is upset and throwing a tantrum because ‘it’s not getting what he/she wants’ (just like me, the adult in the previous example, throwing a little inner tantrum because I wasn’t getting what I wanted within having to stop what I was doing and get to Cesar – starting to see how this pattern plays out?) and within having guilt existent within you for having robbed your child/baby previously of that moment where he/she needed you – you will now ‘give in’ and ‘let it slide’ where you will allow your baby his/her happiness point because you allowed yourself to hold on to your happiness point on previous occasion(s).

This is where the Baby Economicus starts to emerge – where a silent agreement starts developing between the parent and child that ‘if you allow me my indulgence for a moment, I will let you get yours as well later’. So now you start building a relationship with your baby based on perpetuate compromise where you can only keep things ‘happy’ and apparently ‘stable’ by each one giving in to each other’s’ little self-gratifications. If this is allowed to continue you slowly but surely move away from conducting yourself in a way that’s best for your baby/child to what’s best for our ‘trade relationship’. Because you’re then in essence trading moments: “if you give me this moment for my self interest, then I will give you that moment for your self-interest” – and oh boy if you forget your end of the deal, your baby/child will gladly and theatrically remind you of your ‘trade agreement’. The first thing Baby Economicus learns about human behaviour is: if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

So all in all, while one was trying to keep self from having to ‘sacrifice’ – where you don’t want to sacrifice your moment for the sake of what’s best for the baby, you end up doing exactly that – constantly sacrificing, but sacrificing the reverse where you sacrifice what’s best for your baby for the sake of the mind. So we end up sacrificing in the wrong moments in the wrong way. Where we will not intervene/direct our child/baby when we have to and intervene/manipulate the child when we shouldn’t – because it’s all done within the starting point of maintaining one’s self interest and within doing so, in extension building and maintaining the baby’s/child’s self interest.

In my previous blog, I laid out how it can be easy to experience yourself being/going into extreme levels of emotions/thoughts/reactions within being faced with the rigors of taking care of a baby, and how this then shapes ‘who you are’ in every moment, whether you are conscious of it or not.

It starts off with being limited to moments only, where you’re attending to one of those tasks that require you to ‘put in some extra’ and where you’re really not ‘into’ doing whatever it is that requires to be done, and a negative energetic charge develops within yourself as you carry out whatever it is you have to do.

This momentary reaction, which is like a form of resistance, basically states that ‘I wish that I was doing something else’ or ‘I wish I didn’t have to do this’. These momentary experiences, come and go as you move around your day/night taking care of your baby, where the moment the ‘task’ is done, the experience is gone (or so it seems). However, with this coming and going of this experience and you allowing this experience to keep coming and going and not directing it – it starts to accumulate to an experience where one day you realise that you’re actually not having much fun at all with your new baby and actually are kind of…unhappy.

It’s kind of interesting, because at that stage – you’re not yet actually chronically unhappy. I noticed this myself after working on the point, that I wasn’t actually unhappy, but within allowing such fleeting reactions to accumulate, in that moment that you become more aware of your self-experience - your perception of reality is so skewed/screwed that you think and believe that you’re unhappy *all the time*, and from that moment on you actually start to actively project this experience of unhappiness unto every moment/every task and then in essence bring it to life/make it a reality for yourself which you then start to resonate throughout your day.

Now, within being an adult and having been successfully raised within morality – you know that you shouldn’t be acting on these type of feelings/experiences. Meaning, just because you’re unhappy doesn’t mean that you’re not going to carry out your responsibilities towards your baby because that would be ‘wrong’. Yet, even though we know we won’t be acting upon our experience, we will still stubbornly hold on to it, believing that we are right to experience this way and that what we experience is an accurate reflection of ‘how things are in reality’. Though for children, your baby – it doesn’t matter that you are not acting upon it (well, of course they do benefit from you still carrying out your responsibilities)– they still know how you actually feel, and what it is that you are actually holding within yourself while you interact with them. They can see, and feel that you’re unhappy/not doing what you’d like to be doing – and can in essence, see your ‘inner tantrum’ as the energy you experience within yourself while you carry out that which you do not want to do.

So what your baby learns then and there, is that it’s okay and acceptable to have this energetic experience of being ‘unhappy’ when ‘things are not the way you like’. And even though you may not be acting upon it in those moments, you are still keeping the energy alive which means that you agree with it; and that’s all that a baby needs to know to start copying this pattern and live it out.

One thing that has to be taken into consideration though, is that a baby/child is not ‘innocent’ in that it in its very nature as the result of the acceptances and allowances of the generations who came before – have a tendency to ‘react’ when things don’t go their way. Yet, this behaviour and tendency can very easily be addressed when you’re ‘on it’, and when you do not accept and allow such behaviour within yourself. The tendency then doesn’t have space to develop/grow and the child/baby then learns whatever other example they have been given. It however does mean that the ease with which they will develop and grow this tendency into an actual behavioural pattern = is greater.