Journey to a New Life

In my previous blog, Day 83: Playfulness | Gifts from Animals - Dogs, I shared how the dogs’ expression of playfulness assisted me getting through tough times.

If there’s something Cesar knows all about, it’s exactly that = tough times. Being a baby and growing into a toddler is a lot of work for the physical body. The rate at which the body grows and changes is exceptional, and so is the pain and discomfort that comes with it.

On one of the days that he was going through a particularly rough patch, I looked at him and could see myself in his distraught eyes. It reminded me of when I would go through physical discomfort and would then emphasise the physical discomfort by adding an emotional experience to it, basically ‘feeling bad about feeling bad’. I also realised that, even though I was feeling bad – I could make the decision to acknowledge it, but not allow it to ‘take over’ to the point where it disabled me to do something with myself and my day. So looking into Cesar’s eyes, I realised that if I wanted him to get out of this experience, it was going to be up to me to create a new moment. I got up and moved myself to come up with something random for us to do, something he is not used to in terms of his routine that would get him to be engaged and curious about what we are doing, rather than being focused on what he is experiencing. In this particular instance, I playfully pointed out the chillies which were growing on our pepper plants in front of the parrot aviary, how they can be plucked and then given to the parrots who happily eat them.

He was very attentive and could see on his face that he moved out of the experience into what we were physically engaged with. This made him ‘snap out’ of his mood where even after our little activity was over, he was more present and not so overwhelmed with what his body was going through.

So, through simply in a moment moving yourself to embody a particular expression such as playfulness, you can stand as support for another to move themselves into the same expression. This isn’t always easy, because within being a mother, I go through my own share of physical discomfort and can get emotional about this – where I have to stand as the support for myself first to push through and move myself out of my own emotional experience, to only then be able to stand as an example for Cesar to show that you can determine your own experience in a moment and change it, even if the circumstances aren’t in your favour.

I am grateful to the dogs for having been my bridge of support, to show me that I can change when I wasn’t yet able to move myself to change in a moment – and for me to now transfer the same gift to Cesar.

This is a continuation to Day 78: From Farm Life to City Life | Intro


The first big difference we had to adjust to, was the aspect of space.

In our own home, our room is very spacious and set-up specifically to accommodate my son, Cesar.

This means there is lots of space for him to play, walk and even run around, he cannot reach anything which might hurt him and he can’t reach any breakables or things we don’t want him to touch.

In our room, we can spend time together doing things, but we can also have our moments where we each can do our own thing for a while.

In the house itself, our kitchen is baby-proofed, where he cannot open any of the cupboards containing harmful or breakable objects. We left one cupboard ‘unproofed’ where some plastic tubs are stored, so he can open these cabinets and share in the kitchen-experience. My sister and her husband also live in our house and their door is mostly open (for the dogs to go in and out) and their room is also quite baby-proof, which gives him another space to be and play if he wants to get out of the room.

We have a large garden where he can walk around with a sand and water pit. There’s dogs and balls to be thrown. We can go for walks in the fields or visit other gardens on the farm and the dogs and people who live there (I live on a community-style farm).

So in terms of space and safety, he has quite a wide range of freedom and independence, more so in our space than other parts of the farm

When entering my childhood home, I experienced a mix of things. Firstly, my parents had gone through renovations in the house which immediately had caught my eye, where there was a certain experience of ‘awe’ as things looked nice and neat. At the same time, there was another experience, an uncomfortable one which I wasn’t able to place directly, it was a kind of claustrophobic sensation.
Only later during the day did I realise what the experience was about, when one of my parents told Cesar ‘not to touch the walls’. Immediately, I could place my experience from coming in – as this ‘rule’ of ‘do not touch the walls’ was in place when I grew up as well, where no matter how nice things looked inside, there was always a dark experience because we’d have to watch ourselves in every space to not ‘tamper’ with the space such as the walls. This limitation had always bothered me though I never really understood what it was about. Somehow the assumption was made that whenever we would touch the walls, we’d be making them dirty, and that is bad.

I mean, yes sure, there’s a logical connection between touching walls and them ending up being a bit dirty; but at the same time, you’re talking about your living space, the place where you spend most of your time day in and day out. How can you ‘live’ if you’re in constant tension about keeping your space ‘unaltered’. That’s like, contradictory – because you’re going to be doing things, and time is going to pass and in the end, some of that’s going to show on the walls.

In the same way, Cesar was not allowed to play with toys against the walls and had to have his hands cleaned each time he touched something which could possibly leave a trace on the house or other people (even while he is for instance still busy eating, and will be re-dirtying his hands).

So, the first point that really stuck out for me, was not so much like actual physical limitations such as having a smaller living space and small garden – but the mental limitations we impose on reality, which limit us more than physical barriers.

Continuing from Day 73: No Time for Process – Part 1:
So then I looked at what it was I was holding on to within wanting to holding on to this approach. The two points that stood out for me was that I felt the need to ‘prepare myself’, which had subtly become a mechanism for postponement. Instead of looking and seeing into reactions directly in the moment, I would react to my reactions and within that believe that I first ‘need some time’ to ‘work this out’ before moving to real-time application and change. The other point was that I was still placing value on ‘what others might think of me’, where I was holding on to having visible ‘proof’ that I am walking/living my process and being able to visibly contribute -- limiting my conception of process within intrinsically tying it to ‘what is visibly done for others to see’ ; and diminishing the aspect of real-time change and application which is only visible for self and one’s immediate environment. So these two dimensions were working nicely together to not have me move myself in the moment but instead long for time to write and ‘do my homework’ so to speak – leading to not much of anything happening in the end.

So, since I wasn’t getting to my old way of working with points, I had to find a new way to walk points I was facing and opening up new ones.

I pushed my real-time application by applying Self-Forgiveness out loud whenever a reaction came up. While my hands were generally very busy with taking care of a baby, I could still use my mouth to sound Self-Forgiveness. Initially, I experienced some resistance as I didn’t think I’d be able to open up the points in depth, which is something I had linked to only being possible within writing.

The way I was able to open up points by voicing Self-Forgiveness went actually very smoothly. I would simply go point by point and each time I was finished with one line the next point would naturally open up. While my Self Forgiveness was not yet as specific as how it would have been if it had been written, I ‘got the picture’ in terms of having and seeing the overview of how the pattern/construct plays out much quicker, and would work on the essential points.

Sometimes if the reactions were quite intense or I was overwhelmed by the amount of points that had opened up, I would go for a walk with Cesar and apply Self Forgiveness as we walk so I could focus on just that. Often as I hit a cool point or would ‘round it up’ Cesar would suddenly look me straight in the eyes from his baby carrier, or give me a big gaping smile lol.

When I wasn’t facing any particular new point or reaction, I would play with things like body posture and body movement. Seeing how different postures change how I experience myself inside myself and practicing my self-awareness in relation to my body and body movement. When reading to Cesar or practicing vocabulary/pointing at things or describing what I am doing/what’s happening around us, I’d pay attention to how I voice the words I speak, if there are any charges/reactions/memories to the words and re-voice them until I was clear inside myself.

I’m still playing and practicing all the above mentioned points and found and still find them to be very grounding and stabilising.

While I first believed that being busy with a baby/child all day was ‘distracting’ and keeping me from working with points, I eventually found that it was the complete opposite.

Being and walking with Cesar gives me so much space and time to focus and work on my personal process in ways that I hadn’t conceived to be possible. I get to practice real-time application, correction and awareness every day. I get to re-walk my own childhood as I direct myself to provide him the childhood I wished I could have had. I get to see and understand behaviours my parents displayed towards me when I was a child that I didn’t understand back then, but am now able to put into perspective. I am able to forgive myself for points from my childhood that I didn’t fully understand yet, as well as points from my parents with more clarity and specificity. I am able to really see how much my parents influenced me in shaping myself, my beliefs, my fears and values – and how I can change these to self-supportive patterns for myself and my son.

While parenting is hard, having a child is an immense gift and opens up so many opportunities and possibilities towards self-discovery for self and another as yourself.

Embrace it fully!

Continuing from previous blog, Day 67: Parenting as Duty vs Parenting as Self-Expression - Part 1 | Parenting & Fairness :

‘So when you parent from a starting point of duty – you do the same. You do what needs to be done but once the need has been removed you stop, you retreat. Parenting is then a formality, you do it because ‘it is written somewhere’ that you have to do it. You don’t do it from a point of understanding, you don’t put anything from yourself into it, you don’t allow yourself to explore what is possible when there is ‘no more need’, you don’t do it just for the sake of it – the very notion of spending more time/moments with your child, giving more of yourself is seen as ‘a waste’ (just as you would paying more than what your debt told you to pay). And every time you ‘pay your dues’ as ‘tending to your child’ – you take note of it, you keep a record – just like you would with a bank account where money movement is involved. And then later, when you child is older – you can remind him/her of these records and what the child now ‘owes you’ in return. Look at all these things I did for you – now what will you do for me?
This is parenting on automatic mode – there’s no life in your actions, in your attention. You are simply reacting to impulses. The impulses stop and you stop. You did not do those things ‘for the child’ – you did them out of duty, you fulfilled your duty – but you did not fulfil your child.’

When you parent from a starting point of self-expression, you move beyond reaction to responsiveness. There is nothing else moving you but yourself. You child needs you and you tend to your child – and then some. You are not keeping track of ‘what you are giving’. When you react, your action is dictated by what you are reacting to, you do the bare minimum, you do it grudgingly, you always do it the same way because you do not know of another way.

When you respond from responsiveness, from response-ability – you move yourself to respond simply because you can. You do not yet know how you will respond, this is unpredictable – only the moment will tell. You respond to the same need in many different ways, because you response is not dictated, it is not determined by the need – it is an expression of yourself. And how you express yourself changes from moment to moment. You stop meeting needs and you start meeting moments.

Say, your baby needs a diaper change. When you change a diaper from a starting point of duty, you change the diaper the way you always change the diaper. You are meeting/fulfilling the diaper change. When you change a diaper from a starting point of expression, you look at yourself, you look at your child and you change your child’s diaper in a way that takes you and your child into account. Your child is in different expressions in different moments, and so every diaper change becomes unique as you meet your child and his/her need for a diaper change in that specific moment. The focus is on meeting the moment which is all-encompassing, the focus is not on the need.

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The above piece I wrote as I finished my previous blog, to give myself a starting point for the next one to come (this one).

Now, as I have been going through my days since I wrote my previous blog and the piece above – I have been mulling over the point of ‘Parenting as Self-Expression’ and how to best explain it and describe it. Each time I think I found a good way to put it – and look at it again; I drop it, because in the very act of trying to describe it and define it – I am already limiting it in one way or another.

The reason why Parenting as Duty is easy to describe and explain, is because it is so very limited, repetitive and systematic. It is you behaving and conducting yourself according to particular rules that you follow. With Parenting as Self-Expression, I can give examples and stories – but those are only reflections of a ‘moment’ and they were only valid and true in that moment and they were only valid and true for me in that moment. What is a point of Expression for me, is not going to be a point of Expression for another.

Whenever I am looking into adapting a new skill or insight into my life, I often (if not always) have the tendency to look for guidelines, descriptions, some ‘how to’ to tell me what to do and how to act. I want to ‘read up’ on it and have as much information and knowledge available to myself that I can reference before I actually start walking/living/applying the new skill or insight into my life.

And even though I am doing all these things because ‘I want to be prepared’ and ‘really wanting to get this integrated in my life’ – it’s this search for descriptions, guidelines and info that in the end limits me and how I walk and live the point, because I am constantly reaching back to the information I hold within myself and trying to ‘make sense’ of the moment and what I am doing and trying to do it along the lines of the information. In those moments, I lose myself because I am holding knowledge and information as my starting-point instead of drawing from myself and simply walking/doing it and then I get disappointed with myself and the new point I wanted to integrate in my life, simply because I was not trusting myself to walk unconditionally in the moment.

The best way to find out for yourself what Parenting and Self Expression is – is to simply do it and live it. For me, this was realising all the moment where I was acting and behaving in a way which was dictated by beliefs, ideas, thoughts, emotions, feelings – were not supportive for myself nor for my child, and so to instead push and move myself to be here in every moment, to be clear and directive. I didn’t know what I was going to be doing, or ‘how’ I was going to be – but I knew that holding on to what I was doing was not going to work.

So looking at it now, you need to change the conditions that facilitate the ‘growth’ of Parenting as Self Expression – just as you would prepare the soil/environment for a new plant/seed to grow. Where for the Seed of Self-Expression to germinate and flower – breath, presence and directiveness representing the ‘optimal conditions’ within which Parenting as Self-Expression can emerge. Whereas holding on to thoughts, beliefs, morality, emotions and feelings – is like pounding a bag of salt into the soil and never ever providing water to your seed, pretty much killing any opportunity for your seed to unfold – you will remain stuck in status quo.

So it’s not about what and how you will do things, but directing who you are in every moment. If ‘who you are’ is in place, the rest simply follows naturally.