Journey to a New Life

When and as I see myself access a negative energy charge to the word 'mother' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the word 'mother' is not necessarily negatively charged but is something I decided upon based on past experiences which I connected to the word mother. I commit myself to breathe and not participate within the reaction.


When and as I see myself attach and access an experience of 'coldness' in relation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is not a necessary characteristic of the word 'mother', but one I assigned to it. I commit myself to let go of the reaction/experience within the realisation that I am the one who decides what definition a word carries


When and as I see myself having an image of an 'ice queen' pop up in relation to the word 'Mother', I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing connections based on past experiences which do not need to have any relevance to the practical living of the word 'mother' and so I commit myself to delete/stop the image and ground myself within my human physical body


When and as I see myself access the belief/judgment that the word 'mother' is bad or 'evil' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely reacting based on emotionally charged memories from the past and so I commit myself to clear myself within and as breath


When and as I see myself having an image of a rigid old lady with a prune face pop-up in relation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing an image based on an interpretation of the word 'mother' based on past experiences. I commit myself to delete the image and let go of the experience and ground myself within and as my human physical body


When and as I see myself belief that my reactions and feelings about a particular word are 'real' in terms of believing that my reactions and feelings are what the word is and consists of -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the reactions and experiences are merely the product of accumulation of memory and associations and so I commit myself to let go, breathe and investigate what I want a particular word to be


When and as I see myself connect/attach a judge-like connotation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have connected these two points based on my experience of the word mother -- but that I do not have to live the word 'mother' this way. I commit myself to let go of the reaction and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself connect an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ as well as the belief that ‘being a mother is living in fear’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not require to live by this idea/belief and that there is another way of being a ‘mother’ other than that which I personally experienced and so I commit myself to delete the image/belief and trust myself to be able to live by a definition of mother that I can stand by / endorse


When and as I see myself connect the word ‘burden’ to the word ‘mother’ within a negative energy connotation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am merely accessing past memories and images of my own mother to the word ‘mother’ to ‘fill it up’ and give it content and so I commit myself to breathe and let go of this association

When and as I see myself having an image of my mother sitting in the couch looking all tired/exhausted come up, in relation to the word mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to hold on to this memory as I see and realize that I do not need to repeat the past. I commit myself to breathe, let go and ground myself within and as my human physical body

When and as I see myself access the belief that a mother should ‘know it all’ within ‘being an adult’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to pretend to know it all when I know that I do not know it all because that’s just lying to myself lol and so I commit myself to let go of this belief

When and as I see myself connect the world ‘control’ to the word ‘mother’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that control is often utilized by parents because they have not yet investigated for themselves how things can be done within common sense and then resort to fear tactics to control one’s children. I commit myself to let go of the control connotation and trust myself that I can do without

When and as I see myself react to the word ‘mother’ within the belief that I have to now become this persona/role as all the attachments and ideas I have created about ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my personal relationship with my mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to do this and that I do not have to walk the same role as how mother’s currently are as there is another way. I commit myself to decide for myself what kind of mother I want to be within standing as an example of what it means to live one’s life with honour and integrity towards Life and a Consideration for what is Best for All

When and as I see myself fearing becoming my own mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am lucky to have been given and taught the tools of Self Forgiveness and Self Change and that within using these tools I can script my own path to parenthood as what I want to live by and so I commit myself to let go of the fear and embrace the tools I have and walk my process of self-perfection

My morning sickness has worsened a bit lately and I have now had some vomiting incidents. My stomach is very sensitive, especially now after I have been vomiting two days in a row, and I am never sure what to eat. Initially I was mostly tired and the nausea was quite manageable. I am now less tired but spending more time in bed with my tummy being upset (which might also be why I am not as tired since I spend more time in bed anyway). Movements and smells trigger my stomach very quickly.

I haven’t had any food cravings lately, but have been experiencing more of a general disgust towards a lot, if not most foods. So I have been keeping myself to eating very plain and bland things – fatty things like chips has become an absolute ‘no-no’ and anything with a variety of flavors and tastes can be pretty upsetting as well. I’ve been drinking ginger tea which gives a short relief of the nausea.

One evening I even went to hide in my bed underneath the blankets to stay away from the cooking smells coming from the kitchen which were seriously upsetting my stomach. So far there doesn’t seem to be a particular pattern in terms of being better or worse at evening/noons or mornings.

Mostly I’ve been able to get to my ‘essential’ points that I have to get to in a day (besides studying) – but I am spending a lot of time in bed or just trying to sooth my stomach or pacing around the kitchen and checking out my food options. Within being on the ‘side-line’ and not having any control over my body – I’ve been feeling somewhat useless at times, where it feels like my body and entire existence has been put ‘on hold’ for a moment where I am temporarily only here in function of this growing being inside me. This has sometimes been a bit intense so in my next blogs I will do Self Forgiveness on this point.