Journey to a New Life

I remember reading through the Self-Forgiveness and not seeing how the points he took on were specific to the Female Ego. I felt like it ‘didn’t resonate with me at all’ but printed the Self Forgiveness out anyway and read it out loud for myself. Yet, the points that Veno outlined in the Self-Forgiveness, are exactly the points that I came across within myself when I was digging out this ‘one little thought’ and exploring how it was rooted within myself.

So I found it quite interesting to see how so many years ago, I couldn’t see or recognize the relevance of this particular Self Forgiveness, thinking it doesn’t really apply to me – and how now after going through a whole journey of process points within myself, with different events unfolding in my life – I have now come back to this point and now all of a sudden: I can see.

I have been reading some more of the old material and listening to some old interviews, and find it fascinating how I am seeing, hearing and reading things that I had never seen before. Where: the information that is being presented is still the exact same as x-amount of years ago, but ‘Who I Am’ as the information that I contain has changed – which has allowed me to now actually really read, hear and see what is actually being shared.

With a lot of the material I remember that back then, I was confused about what was being said, thought that Bernard spoke in riddles and that both him and the Dimensional Beings were too vague and abstract in how they conveyed things. Looking back now at the same information, I can see how what was being said and presented was actually the most simple and direct way of expressing and conveying a point – but my vocabulary at that stage was so biased, so misinformed and energetically charged that I seriously had no idea what the hell was being said, but only could establish that it ‘kind of sounded cool’ and went with my own interpretation of the words. My mind couldn’t comprehend the simplicity, the straightforwardness – it immediately took every word, every sentence and took it to complexity to the greatest extent that it could – and within that, completely deranging the message.

And now, where over all these years, in exploring our own mind points and sharing what we have learnt from ourselves and others, have established a ginormous body of material, having explained every point in every possible way to the greatest extent.

And this is quite cool, because by going far and wide and everyone sharing perspectives in their own words, there’s a greater chance of some information getting through someone’s mind which may escape the bias filter, allowing one to see and hear the message. Where the message was initially shared from the greatest form of simplicity to then have entered a stage of the widest extent of specificity and intrinsicality – to now again, be boiled down to simplicity as the information is now been properly grasped and digested so that it can be grounded and lived within practicality.

So it is quite interesting to see how for the most part, the process I have been walking for the past 7 years has been one of clarifying things for myself, removing unnecessary information and re-aligning my vocabulary to the point where I am now going: Aaaah, I can see – and where within being able to see and actually comprehend the extent of the Desteni message, the journey to really start living and applying it, is really only now commencing. It’s quite humbling to see the actual extent of disinformation that was existent within me. When I started the Desteni Process, I thought that I ‘got it’ – but really all I had gotten was my own version/interpretation of the Desteni Message, where I was really actually walking ‘Leila’s Desteni Message’ as a warped/twisted version of the actual Desteni Message made to fit in with my own view and perception of things. And where now, after many years of walking, I am starting to *just* touch on what the Desteni Message actually means, what it actually implies.

So looking back in time where I first read Veno’s Self Forgiveness to now where I actually ‘get it’ – I can see how so much as happened and yet how at the same time very little happened. Little happened in terms of my physical reality and physical application and living, yet I can see how tons happened inside myself in terms of just sorting, moving and getting rid of all the ‘junk’ information inside myself so that I can have a peek at what it actually means to live in the simplicity of the Desteni Message. It really puts into perspective the scope of the problem we are facing, but also that as long as we walk the solution and keep walking: eventually we will get there, and eventually we will live in a World that’s Best for All. All we have to do is make sure we walk our utmost potential, so we can manifest it sooner rather than later.

In my previous blog I laid out how when investigating a sense of ‘duty’ within myself, how this whole can of worms opened up in terms of you as a mother/female carrying out the duty/mission of continuing the bloodline and having the responsibility to make sure that your offspring survives (or at least get to the point where it can have its own offspring). I ended the blog, with how I could see this point being tied in the Female’s Ego Design, where females have a strong tendency of ‘wanting to be right’. This is where I continue with this blog.


So – now you have a baby, a child – just like all the mothers before you and have a sense of duty to ‘continue the mission’. At the same time, a lot of people did not like the way they were brought up by their own parents, where there’s a strong feeling of ‘wanting to do it better’ with your child.

So, not only do you already carry this sense of duty from the perspective of those who came before you – now you also gave the duty to yourself to do it better, or at least not ‘worse’ than your parents.

So how does this now all come together in the design if the female ego? Well, having a child, raising a child is a huge responsibility. It’s huge on its own and it’s made even ‘huger’ when you drag in the whole ancestral baggage that you carry around unconsciously. And now you, as the mother being in most instances the primary caretaker/guide for the child – it all lays in ‘your hands’ in terms of how this child is going to grow up and succeed in life, and we all want ‘what’s best for our child’.

Though, what each one thinks to be ‘what’s best for your child’, differs from person to person, depending on variables such as personal history (eg. How my parents did things is definitely *not* what’s best for a child), environment, relationships with other people, economic status, etc.

So by the time you have a child, you’ve already pretty much made up your mind about life, what matters, what doesn’t matter, what things you value, your preferences and so on. From that context/idea you then derive what you think is best for your child, what you believe will give them the best outcome in this world.

Throughout your own life, you invested quite a bit of time in ‘inventing yourself’, in terms of your personality, who you are and who you want to be seen as in society. Then when you have a baby, you invest a lot of time and energy in making sure that you are bringing up your baby in line with your own values, believing they are ‘the right ones’.

So, what I have noticed here, is that when one mother points something out to another mother, there’s a tendency for conflict to spark, as both believe they are ‘doing the right thing’ and both think that ‘they are doing what’s best for their child’. And because the bond between a mother and a baby is so strong, where you carried the baby in your belly, where you nursed it and spent your every moment with it as it was completely helpless and dependent – that point of ‘you are doing something ‘wrong’ with your baby’ which translates into ‘you are not doing what’s best for your baby’ is a veeeerrrry sensitive one.

Because you just spend all this time and energy figuring yourself out in life, then you have this huge responsibility of raising a baby, then you try and raise that baby as best as you can within what you think is best – so that your child may succeed in life, and so that you are not seen as a failure against the backdrop of ‘those who came before you’ AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT I AM DOING IT ALL WRONG AND HARMING MY BABY/CHILD??????????????

So instead of investigating one’s idea of onself, one’s values and perspective on life – it’s easier to just ‘want to be right’ and defend yourself at all cost – than considering the possibility that you may not have been acting in the best interest of your baby – because that is a very painful realisation/consideration to look at and face. Which is unfortunate, because what eventually plays out is the opposite, wherein ‘wanting to ensure the best for your baby’ and not wanting to look at the possibility that maybe you’re doing things in a way that are not really best, you’re creating the very window where things can actually go wrong. But because you don’t want to see/be faced with that point, it’s easier to just stubbornly go along with what you’ve always been doing, and sticking with your point of view/outlook on life and block out any feedback that may indicate otherwise. So that in your reality, in your mind : you are doing what’s best for your baby, you are doing what’s best for your future lineage, you’re doing what’s best for the future of humanity in general. And this is then also why females will go and ‘clump’ and ‘group’ together in their shared activities/points of view and participate in gossip and being nasty towards those that do not agree/do not walk their opinions/outlook on life – just to each time re-affirm and strengthen that point of ‘It’s okay, I am right, I am doing what is best, they are the one’s who are going to burn in hell for living their lives like this and teaching their children this way’.

So, this is what I found within myself being a major contributing factor to the ‘wanting to be right’ construct which is typical to females; where females from a symbolic/archetypical standpoint have that responsibility of ‘ensuring the well-being of those to come’, and where this is such a huge responsibility, and where I am sure everyone experiences a great deal of uncertainty, but where instead of acknowledging this uncertainty and working with it, and actually figuring out what’s best from what’s not – we just ‘pretend’ and ‘hope’ to know that we’re doing, and that this is the right thing, and then defend this point of view, whichever view it may be – at all cost.

Continuing from my previous blog: Day 43: And the Race Begins! | Motherhood Paranoia

In my previous blog I described how I came to a point within myself where I saw myself participating within a point of competition, wherein I saw how I was using the reference of developmental milestones not just as a frame for his own personal development, but also used it to get an idea where my baby is at ‘in the greater race’ of babies, where I as a mother wanted to know how advantaged/normal/disadvantaged my child was compared to his peers, so that I could be ‘reassured’ that he has what it takes to survive in this world.

Once I got through this point, I saw another point emerge. Where it was not just about ‘my baby winning the race’/’my baby having what it takes’ – but where this strange sense of ‘responsibility’ and ‘duty’ started creeping in within the greater context of ‘generational lines’ and ‘ancestry’ – where, your mother had gotten you this far; in raising you and being set up in a situation where you can have your own child; just as her mother did before her. So that when you look back into your own personal history and lineage; there’s been all these thousands of mothers before you who had been successful in raising their offspring and getting them to a point of survival far enough to have children of their own; where you are now the ‘last’ one of the lineage and where you are now supposed to be just as successful as they have been.

Again – it’s not like I was consciously thinking things like “Oh, I have to make sure I carry on the bloodline of my ancestors and fulfil my duty just like my ancestors before meeee” or anything like that. There was just a slight, odd sense of ‘duty’ that I had noticed and when I went and investigated; this whole pot of worms opened up.

Now, this also bring me to my next point, which is how I see that this whole ‘offspring bearing’ point of importance is connected and linked to the whole Female’s Ego Design.

There’s already this notion and perception of women that they always want to be ‘right’. Especially if you put two females together and they disagree, it’s quite known that things can get ‘heated’ or that things get ‘bitchy’ lol. While I’ve been reading around in books, magazines and on discussion boards online within the context of mothers with babies – this point of righteousness is very much ‘in your face’. Once they’ve made up their mind about something; there’s no point debating it.

So now that I had seen how this point that I have been walking in my blogs unfolded, it made total sense as to ‘how’ and ‘why’ females tend to be so into ‘wanting to be right’.