Journey to a New Life

In my previous blog I laid out how when investigating a sense of ‘duty’ within myself, how this whole can of worms opened up in terms of you as a mother/female carrying out the duty/mission of continuing the bloodline and having the responsibility to make sure that your offspring survives (or at least get to the point where it can have its own offspring). I ended the blog, with how I could see this point being tied in the Female’s Ego Design, where females have a strong tendency of ‘wanting to be right’. This is where I continue with this blog.


So – now you have a baby, a child – just like all the mothers before you and have a sense of duty to ‘continue the mission’. At the same time, a lot of people did not like the way they were brought up by their own parents, where there’s a strong feeling of ‘wanting to do it better’ with your child.

So, not only do you already carry this sense of duty from the perspective of those who came before you – now you also gave the duty to yourself to do it better, or at least not ‘worse’ than your parents.

So how does this now all come together in the design if the female ego? Well, having a child, raising a child is a huge responsibility. It’s huge on its own and it’s made even ‘huger’ when you drag in the whole ancestral baggage that you carry around unconsciously. And now you, as the mother being in most instances the primary caretaker/guide for the child – it all lays in ‘your hands’ in terms of how this child is going to grow up and succeed in life, and we all want ‘what’s best for our child’.

Though, what each one thinks to be ‘what’s best for your child’, differs from person to person, depending on variables such as personal history (eg. How my parents did things is definitely *not* what’s best for a child), environment, relationships with other people, economic status, etc.

So by the time you have a child, you’ve already pretty much made up your mind about life, what matters, what doesn’t matter, what things you value, your preferences and so on. From that context/idea you then derive what you think is best for your child, what you believe will give them the best outcome in this world.

Throughout your own life, you invested quite a bit of time in ‘inventing yourself’, in terms of your personality, who you are and who you want to be seen as in society. Then when you have a baby, you invest a lot of time and energy in making sure that you are bringing up your baby in line with your own values, believing they are ‘the right ones’.

So, what I have noticed here, is that when one mother points something out to another mother, there’s a tendency for conflict to spark, as both believe they are ‘doing the right thing’ and both think that ‘they are doing what’s best for their child’. And because the bond between a mother and a baby is so strong, where you carried the baby in your belly, where you nursed it and spent your every moment with it as it was completely helpless and dependent – that point of ‘you are doing something ‘wrong’ with your baby’ which translates into ‘you are not doing what’s best for your baby’ is a veeeerrrry sensitive one.

Because you just spend all this time and energy figuring yourself out in life, then you have this huge responsibility of raising a baby, then you try and raise that baby as best as you can within what you think is best – so that your child may succeed in life, and so that you are not seen as a failure against the backdrop of ‘those who came before you’ AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT I AM DOING IT ALL WRONG AND HARMING MY BABY/CHILD??????????????

So instead of investigating one’s idea of onself, one’s values and perspective on life – it’s easier to just ‘want to be right’ and defend yourself at all cost – than considering the possibility that you may not have been acting in the best interest of your baby – because that is a very painful realisation/consideration to look at and face. Which is unfortunate, because what eventually plays out is the opposite, wherein ‘wanting to ensure the best for your baby’ and not wanting to look at the possibility that maybe you’re doing things in a way that are not really best, you’re creating the very window where things can actually go wrong. But because you don’t want to see/be faced with that point, it’s easier to just stubbornly go along with what you’ve always been doing, and sticking with your point of view/outlook on life and block out any feedback that may indicate otherwise. So that in your reality, in your mind : you are doing what’s best for your baby, you are doing what’s best for your future lineage, you’re doing what’s best for the future of humanity in general. And this is then also why females will go and ‘clump’ and ‘group’ together in their shared activities/points of view and participate in gossip and being nasty towards those that do not agree/do not walk their opinions/outlook on life – just to each time re-affirm and strengthen that point of ‘It’s okay, I am right, I am doing what is best, they are the one’s who are going to burn in hell for living their lives like this and teaching their children this way’.

So, this is what I found within myself being a major contributing factor to the ‘wanting to be right’ construct which is typical to females; where females from a symbolic/archetypical standpoint have that responsibility of ‘ensuring the well-being of those to come’, and where this is such a huge responsibility, and where I am sure everyone experiences a great deal of uncertainty, but where instead of acknowledging this uncertainty and working with it, and actually figuring out what’s best from what’s not – we just ‘pretend’ and ‘hope’ to know that we’re doing, and that this is the right thing, and then defend this point of view, whichever view it may be – at all cost.

In my previous blog I talked about how little we are aware of the implications and repercussions from participating in a singular thought.

The thought pattern that I am specifically looking at so far in this series, is about comparing one’s child/baby to the timeline of developmental milestones, and from there creating either an emotion or feeling response which becomes part of how you view and participate with your child/baby.

Here, the first ‘level’ of mind interference that I noted was the either negative or positive energetic experience that came up, and that this now in part formed the ‘lens’ through which I would start looking at my baby. Initially, when this point the first time arose, it wasn’t even noticeable, but then as it started coming up more it became more and more apparent. It was apparent that ‘something’ was going on, because I wasn’t necessarily having the thoughts, but just the memory of the experience. Then as it would occur more, it was as if the experience started to solidify more and more – to the point where I actually experienced myself being claustrophobic, where I felt this experience ‘closing in on me’ – and that’s when I knew for sure that something’s up and it’s not cool. Because each time I would look at my baby, these nagging feeling was here. I couldn’t just be here, sit with him, play with him, watch him – without this experience pushing itself into the picture.

So when looking at the point of comparing my baby’s development to the ‘standards’, I noticed that a point of value assessment came in, terms of ‘how well does my baby do compared to the standards’, ‘what value does my baby have in terms of the standards’.

What is quite funny is that I always disliked being valued through things like ‘grades’ at school. Though in that moment of looking at my own baby, I could see how easily such a pattern develops and becomes permanently engrained. Because in a way, I was translating the ‘developmental milestones’ into grades as well, and then looking at ‘how well my baby scores’. Then depending on how I was interpreting my baby’s behaviour and translating it into a ‘good’ or a ‘bad’ score – this in turn would determine my experience and attitude towards my baby.

This was obviously not cool as this completely warped my presence and relationship towards my baby, where I was already categorising and compartmentalizing him in my mind, removing myself from him further and further as I was less and less dealing with him as who he was, as a being here, just naturally developing himself – but with a mental projection of mine pasted over him.

And this is just one point, one thought – and yet how I could see it influence me and how I was changing towards my baby was just frightening.

The experience wasn’t ‘overwhelming’ or ‘really intense’ – but since I could notice it, and since he’s only a few months old (back then), I could see that if I let this slide, and he grows older, and more and more points emerge: I would slowly but surely lose touch with reality and lose touch with my own baby/child as I would become more and more enthralled by my mind-reality instead of physical reality.

To be continued

In Day 38, I gave an introduction to the point of motherhood paranoia and how a point like ‘developmental milestones’, which is supposed to be a practical tool – can easily become the centre point of emotional turmoil. One can draw on this point to feed and brood your fears and sense of inadequacy, or just as easily to feed and brood your sense of pride and self-adulation.

What I found quite interesting when I would observe myself going into one of these patterns (which is really just one pattern containing the two opposite poles), is how one’s outlook and approach towards the development of your child and your child as an individual/being becomes quite perverted. One day I caught myself looking at Cesar doing something, where I went ‘I wonder if that’s normal – I wonder if he’s supposed to be doing it differently/more developed’ and experienced this form of anxiety – where I then went ‘Woops! What’s going on here??’

When I looked at and investigated the thought and the specific energetic experience that came with it, I found that it all came down to: Survival. Then, within this point of Survival, I could see that it’s not just about the survival of the child, but that there are several dimensions/layers connected to this point, from the child, to the personal, to the generational – and from there, how much of this links in to the specific design of the Female-Ego, which is universal.

This I found quite fascinating, because you find yourself participating in a particular thought pattern, thinking that it’s just ‘one innocent little thought’ that you participate in, thinking that ‘it doesn’t mean much’ and that it’s ‘not a big deal’ – but then when you go and investigate where this comes from and how this seemingly innocent thought/point of participation affects your world and relationships, the amount of dimensions connected to this: Holy Shit.

It’s like your mind is the sky/heaven and the thought you participate in is this little fluffy cloud just passing by in the open sky – you know, what ‘bad’ could a little fluffy cloud do? But then what you don’t see/realise is how this fluffy cloud has got an invisible string attached to it and once you start pulling on this cloud, you start to realise that it’s not just a fluffy cloud ‘floating’ around, but actually has an entire landscape attached to it that you can’t even see cause you never looked deep down below. So this ‘one little innocent thought’ is really just a token, a symptom, showing that something much greater is playing out in the background; but from a conscious point of view, it’s just like this little movement going on inside yourself.

In the next blog I will continue laying out the points I opened up for myself while working with this pattern.