Day 52: Baby Economicus | Parenting & Fairness
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| GnaGnaGna! |
So now, your baby has had many opportunities to observe you in your inner-tantrum (from a little nagging experience to very loud backchat – the size of the tantrum doesn’t matter) when things are not going ‘the way you would have liked them to go’. Each time baby witnesses you in that state - that is the behaviour that is being taught to the child. As time goes by, the baby grows up and is able to do more things and be more independent. Here you’re at a stage where taking care of a baby is still intensive and extensive – but not at the ‘hardcore’ levels as when the baby was very small and completely vulnerable – not being able to do anything without an adults help.
Now an interesting thing develops because the demandingness of taking care of the baby is relaxing and suddenly there is space for ‘choice’ again (‘Again’ – meaning, where prior to you having the baby you had quite a bit of space in terms of having time set towards responsibilities but also having space/time towards your own where you can indulge in what you like to do or find important, whereas once the baby comes, there’s only the baby and everything ‘you’ or ‘personal’ disappears for a while). The baby is able to entertain itself for a bit, doesn’t need to be fed constantly so feedings aren’t as pressing/can be more flexible, the baby doesn’t poop himself every hour so his diaper can be on for a bit longer,… So the amount of time that you spend/dedicate towards your baby becomes less and a margin of time starts emerging here and there where you can start doing things ‘for yourself’ or pick up on things that you did before you had the baby.
With having been constricted to only taking care of your baby for such a long time, this ‘me time’ can be considered to be precious and this then creates an opportunity for compromise to creep in. Since the baby is now ‘out of immediate danger’ in terms of not needing constant adult handling, some baby related things can be delayed for a bit while you can extend your ‘personal time’. What I found with myself is that this ‘space’ that opens up can be tricky, where I could catch myself delaying something for just a bit too long, wanting to hold on to ‘my time’ or where I would kind of ‘huff and puff’ within having to ‘give up’ my ‘me time’ to tend to the baby.
It’s quite interesting how the developmental cycle of babies is set up, because it seems to go through cycles where you for a period of time have to spend all / most of your time towards the baby – where it then eases off a bit and you have more space/time to do other things as well – to then again spending all / most of your time taking care of your baby directly. It’s a nice testing ground in a way, where for some time you get to practice taking care of another and doing what needs to be done without having any space for yourself – to then doing the same but have some margin of space for yourself to check whether you can still be diligent and responsible within taking care of your baby without getting distracted/tempted by the ‘personal space’ that opens up – where one dips one’s toes ‘too deep’ and allow yourself to get carried away by this ‘freedom’ and start compromising towards your baby instead of keeping a balance between tending to your baby to the best of your ability and enjoying your ‘me time’ when it is here without wanting to hold on to it/creating it at the expense of your baby.
I’d for instance be working on something while Cesar would be entertaining himself and being content just roaming and exploring the room on his own with me still keeping an eye on him – to where all of a sudden discomfort comes up and he requires some assistance stabilizing himself where I would kind of go ‘Oh no’ inside myself because ‘I am working on this now’ and ‘I want to finish this’ / ‘Let me just round it up’ – where I am wanting to hold on to this ‘me time’/’what I am doing’ and will delay or want to delay getting to Cesar because what he is doing/going through is ‘incompatible’ with my desired situation/circumstance of ‘me working on this document’ / ‘me finishing this task’ – where instead of being here in every moment and being flexible – tending to Cesar when I need to and tending to my points when there is space to; easily letting go and moving around from point to point; – I am holding on to a mental projection of how I think/believe time should go/how the situation should go and want reality to adapt to my mental composition rather than me adapting to physical reality.
So this would be an example where one would compromise within slipping in self-interest where you for a moment place more value on a mental idea/ one’s desires rather than directly, common sensically move self to tend to the baby. So here you also have a scenario where the baby ‘needs something’ from you but you don’t give it. And in being aware that you’re dipping your toes in the pool of self-interest within holding on to your desire – guilt starts to brew inside yourself.
What happens then is that at some other time you are playing with the baby and now the baby is doing something/playing with something/ eating something that it actually shouldn’t or that could be consequential if it becomes a habit – and where in that moment, you should actually direct the baby and intervene, and maybe you do try and intervene and now it’s the baby that is upset and throwing a tantrum because ‘it’s not getting what he/she wants’ (just like me, the adult in the previous example, throwing a little inner tantrum because I wasn’t getting what I wanted within having to stop what I was doing and get to Cesar – starting to see how this pattern plays out?) and within having guilt existent within you for having robbed your child/baby previously of that moment where he/she needed you – you will now ‘give in’ and ‘let it slide’ where you will allow your baby his/her happiness point because you allowed yourself to hold on to your happiness point on previous occasion(s).
This is where the Baby Economicus starts to emerge – where a silent agreement starts developing between the parent and child that ‘if you allow me my indulgence for a moment, I will let you get yours as well later’. So now you start building a relationship with your baby based on perpetuate compromise where you can only keep things ‘happy’ and apparently ‘stable’ by each one giving in to each other’s’ little self-gratifications. If this is allowed to continue you slowly but surely move away from conducting yourself in a way that’s best for your baby/child to what’s best for our ‘trade relationship’. Because you’re then in essence trading moments: “if you give me this moment for my self interest, then I will give you that moment for your self-interest” – and oh boy if you forget your end of the deal, your baby/child will gladly and theatrically remind you of your ‘trade agreement’. The first thing Baby Economicus learns about human behaviour is: if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
So all in all, while one was trying to keep self from having to ‘sacrifice’ – where you don’t want to sacrifice your moment for the sake of what’s best for the baby, you end up doing exactly that – constantly sacrificing, but sacrificing the reverse where you sacrifice what’s best for your baby for the sake of the mind. So we end up sacrificing in the wrong moments in the wrong way. Where we will not intervene/direct our child/baby when we have to and intervene/manipulate the child when we shouldn’t – because it’s all done within the starting point of maintaining one’s self interest and within doing so, in extension building and maintaining the baby’s/child’s self interest.
Day 45: Wanting to be Right | Motherhood Paranoia
So, not only do you already carry this sense of duty from the perspective of those who came before you – now you also gave the duty to yourself to do it better, or at least not ‘worse’ than your parents.
So how does this now all come together in the design if the female ego? Well, having a child, raising a child is a huge responsibility. It’s huge on its own and it’s made even ‘huger’ when you drag in the whole ancestral baggage that you carry around unconsciously. And now you, as the mother being in most instances the primary caretaker/guide for the child – it all lays in ‘your hands’ in terms of how this child is going to grow up and succeed in life, and we all want ‘what’s best for our child’.
Though, what each one thinks to be ‘what’s best for your child’, differs from person to person, depending on variables such as personal history (eg. How my parents did things is definitely *not* what’s best for a child), environment, relationships with other people, economic status, etc.
So by the time you have a child, you’ve already pretty much made up your mind about life, what matters, what doesn’t matter, what things you value, your preferences and so on. From that context/idea you then derive what you think is best for your child, what you believe will give them the best outcome in this world.
Throughout your own life, you invested quite a bit of time in ‘inventing yourself’, in terms of your personality, who you are and who you want to be seen as in society. Then when you have a baby, you invest a lot of time and energy in making sure that you are bringing up your baby in line with your own values, believing they are ‘the right ones’.
So, what I have noticed here, is that when one mother points something out to another mother, there’s a tendency for conflict to spark, as both believe they are ‘doing the right thing’ and both think that ‘they are doing what’s best for their child’. And because the bond between a mother and a baby is so strong, where you carried the baby in your belly, where you nursed it and spent your every moment with it as it was completely helpless and dependent – that point of ‘you are doing something ‘wrong’ with your baby’ which translates into ‘you are not doing what’s best for your baby’ is a veeeerrrry sensitive one.
Because you just spend all this time and energy figuring yourself out in life, then you have this huge responsibility of raising a baby, then you try and raise that baby as best as you can within what you think is best – so that your child may succeed in life, and so that you are not seen as a failure against the backdrop of ‘those who came before you’ AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT I AM DOING IT ALL WRONG AND HARMING MY BABY/CHILD??????????????
So instead of investigating one’s idea of onself, one’s values and perspective on life – it’s easier to just ‘want to be right’ and defend yourself at all cost – than considering the possibility that you may not have been acting in the best interest of your baby – because that is a very painful realisation/consideration to look at and face. Which is unfortunate, because what eventually plays out is the opposite, wherein ‘wanting to ensure the best for your baby’ and not wanting to look at the possibility that maybe you’re doing things in a way that are not really best, you’re creating the very window where things can actually go wrong. But because you don’t want to see/be faced with that point, it’s easier to just stubbornly go along with what you’ve always been doing, and sticking with your point of view/outlook on life and block out any feedback that may indicate otherwise. So that in your reality, in your mind : you are doing what’s best for your baby, you are doing what’s best for your future lineage, you’re doing what’s best for the future of humanity in general. And this is then also why females will go and ‘clump’ and ‘group’ together in their shared activities/points of view and participate in gossip and being nasty towards those that do not agree/do not walk their opinions/outlook on life – just to each time re-affirm and strengthen that point of ‘It’s okay, I am right, I am doing what is best, they are the one’s who are going to burn in hell for living their lives like this and teaching their children this way’.
So, this is what I found within myself being a major contributing factor to the ‘wanting to be right’ construct which is typical to females; where females from a symbolic/archetypical standpoint have that responsibility of ‘ensuring the well-being of those to come’, and where this is such a huge responsibility, and where I am sure everyone experiences a great deal of uncertainty, but where instead of acknowledging this uncertainty and working with it, and actually figuring out what’s best from what’s not – we just ‘pretend’ and ‘hope’ to know that we’re doing, and that this is the right thing, and then defend this point of view, whichever view it may be – at all cost.
Day 43: And the Race Begins! | Motherhood Paranoia
In my previous blog I went over how I was allowing my relationship with my baby to be shaped through scoring his behaviour into categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as how I saw it fit in with developmental milestones for his age. In this blog I am continuing with this point, where I not only look at how I see this point affect myself but how I see this being linked in at a societal level as well.
When I saw how the atypical baby was moving and compared Cesar to him, I was happy that Cesar did not turn out to be a ‘atypical’ baby, because it was clear that the atypical baby was struggling and did not have an effective body to develop and grow effectively. I saw myself going into this point of satisfaction where I kind of went ‘Aaah, everything is okay – I can be relaxed now’ – and as I was allowing this experience to take over, there was a moment of silence within me – and then I asked myself: Wait – what is going on here?
Because what I saw in that moment, is that I could care less about this atypical baby that’s struggling it’s ass off to move himself in his reality and carry his development forward. In a way, it was almost as if there was a form of being pleased that this baby is struggling, where there is this odd logic existent where ‘because this other baby is struggling, my baby has a greater chance of being a winner’.
It’s like, we’ve become so accustomed to the idea that there are always those who lag behind, those who are normal and those who are always at the frontier in society. Whether it’s in growth/development, school, relationships and ultimately jobs/careers. So if someone else in your ‘peer group’ fall in the category if being part of the ‘losers’, then that’s already one less statistical chance of you being in that position.
So when you’re faced with a situation where someone else is disadvantaged, you’re happy because, at least it’s not you or – at least it’s not your baby. Who cares about this other person/kid who is struggling and where this might follow him/her his/her entire life? At least I/my baby’s part of the winners and he will make it in life.
So there’s no regard whatsoever for other people, other children, other forms of life. All that matter is you and your baby. So here I could see, how in the way I was participating in this point of developmental milestones, where I had allowed it to become emotionally and feeling charged – this was another form of Survivalism, where I was trying to gauge and measure ‘how good my baby’s chances of survival are in the world’ – and where an unspoken decision had already been made that I would look after ‘only my baby’ and that I care for ‘only my baby’ – as if there is some tacit rule that each one must just look after their own offspring and ‘may the best win’ type of thing.
And I mean, it was not as if I was consciously voicing thoughts of this nature within myself – it was just like an overall ‘feeling’ that was just scarcely noticeable which was just silently hovering around, like a slight mist present all over inside myself. And only once I started investigating my conscious fears, and then investigating the emotional charged, I really became aware of this presence which is kind of like the rules of the game you are playing, which you once upon a time had agreed upon but had forgotten about. Yet, you were still playing within those parameters as the rules has become normalized through acceptance and allowance.
To be continued
Day 40: PhotoReportage: A Day with Cesar
For a day, I recorded my moves with Cesar while taking some pictures as well. We never know what we are going to do on a particular day. After we have breakfast, it’s mostly a matter of reading him and seeing what he is up to, and then so our day goes.
Enjoy the Day.
| 07.00 : | Cesar woke up 15-20 min ago, I feed him, he doesn’t want to go back to sleep. I want to go back to sleep. It was a rough night, he woke up several times and would cry in his sleep. I let him crawl around on the bed while I lay closeby and get some extra bits of rest |
| 08.00 : | I hear Cesar having a poopoo, so I get up and prepare the room to change the diaper and change his clothes |
| 08.15: | I changed his diaper and clothes, it went well, he didn’t try to crawl away on the changing mat and we didn’t battle to get his clothes on |
| I need to pee but there’s no-one around that I can hand him over to, so I set up the bathtub seat in front of the toilet and plonk him in there while I pee | |
| 08.30: | I am going to have breakfast now, I put him in the jumparoo while I prepare and eat my breakfast. I also do some dishes and prepare some sprouts for the Parrots. Check my emails on my phone.
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| 08.50: | Cesar is fascinated with the Bran box, he wants it.
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| 09.00: | Cesar is showing signs that he doesn’t want to be in the jumparoo anymore. We move to the room, the Bran Box tags along. While he plays on the floor I start cleaning the room up and fold some laundry |
| Cesar is chowing down on the box, once in a while I have to remove some pieces that have fallen off from being saturated with his drool | |
| 09.20: | Cesar seems hungry so I feed him |
| 09.27: | Cesar is done eating and is only interested in chewing my nipple and biting in my hand for pain relief…yay
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| When Cesar is all done I wrap him up on me so we can go for a walk and his food can settle before he starts playing on the ground again
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| 09.40: | We smell something in the air, it smells good – we go check it out! |
| It’s pancakes!
While we are in the mainhouse we go check out the ‘baby in the mirror’ which Cesar thinks is hilarious
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| We hear a strange sound coming from outside. Cesar is looking for the source so – we go check it out! It’s LJ working on the tractor. We check what LJ is doing and LJ explains to Cesar what is what. This is a vocabulary lesson for me just as well. | |
| 09.44: | We head to the orchard, where we go look at the trees and the fruits, and name the trees and Cesar can explore the leaves and fruits (and put them in his mouth). We say Hi to Blackie on our way
Cesar exploring a guava tree
And an apple tree
Grapefruit tree
Naartjie
Fig Trees
Papaya
Mango
We also say Hi to some of the other dogs Gracy does some crazy moves, Cesar thinks it’s funny
Hi PooCase |
| 10.05: | Cesar is getting fidgety in the wrap, looks like he wants to come out so he can move around so we start going up to our house |
| 10.15: | We made a little stop by Cerise and her study gang where Cesar hung out. That’s until his teeth started bothering him, so we went to the house to give him some of his (homeopathic) teething drops. Cesar loves his teething drops, he’s all like “GIVE IT TO MEE” |
| 10.20: | Cesar plays on the floor and I take a minute to check my emails and messages. Once in a while I go pick him up and move him back to the center of the playing mat as he crawls backwards to the outskirts and get to the tiles where he tends to hurt himself more easily when he’s being a monkey
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| 10.30: | I need to go for a poopoo, the house is quiet everyone is still gone, so I take him with me, putting him in the bathtub seat. He is not very impressed playing with just the toys on the seat so I supplement his play with sounds and faces
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| 10.45: | I gave Cesar a diaper change and put him back on the mat. I play some lectures on the History of Economic Thought to aid me with my studies for my exams. In the meantime I continue with the rest of the laundry. As I move around to put back the clothes I interact and play with Cesar.
Cesar is not very impressed with laying on his back when changing his diaper He thinks it’s better if I change his diaper while he crawls on the mat |
| 11.00: | Cesar is in pain of teething (and he just bit me in my shoulder again) – so giving him teething drops again The misery of being a baby |
| 11.10: | Cesar’s teething pain seems to really be getting to him so he is being totally encapsulated by the pain, so I play with him to direct his focus on something other than the pain he is in
 Nomnomnomnom |
| 11.30: | Finally done putting the laundry away. Cesar is hungry so I feed him |
| 11.40: | Cesar fell asleep. I am going to leave him to sleep on my lap while I check an assignment. Don’t want to risk waking him up by moving him. |
| 11.41: | Nevermind – internet is down, so I study instead |
| 12.30: | Studying with Cesar on my lap is now rather uncomfortable. My back is hurting. I’m still a bit tired from last night so I move him and myself to the bed – that is , if I can get there without waking him up. |
| Mission accomplished, he did not wake up. Now I rest. | |
| 13.30: | Cesar wakes up on the bed. He has a bewildered and confused look on his face. It says ‘This is not where I fell asleep’.
As he realizes what happened and that he is okay – everything’s soon monkey business as usual.
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| 13.45: | We go have lunch, but first a quick pee.
I put him in the jumparoo, he watches how I make food and I show him what I do and what I use. I mash some plain avo for him while I make my own lunch.
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| After a while Maite comes out of her room. She has been secluding herself in an attempt to avoid and resist being mesmerized by Cesar’s amazingness as she really has to study. But one can only resist Cesar for so long. So she came out and fed him some of his avo.
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| 15.00: | We had lunch and did our dishes. While doing dishes I reflect on how it always looks like I get ‘nothing done’ through my day and start going into Adam Smith’s theory of productive and unproductive labour and how this relates to motherhood. This is a bad sign. I had to review something for someone so took Cesar with me to do that. Now I am having something to drink, after that I feed him again, change his diaper and spend some time outside with him before I go to horses and Maite takes him over from me. |
| 15.25: | We’re at the spending some time outside part, he is not happy with his teeth, rubbing his mouth and gums against my chest as we walk.
Ba Na Na Trees
Berry Brush Bush
Chickens
Chaaaarlieee
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| 16.00: | I go to horses to exercise Charlie, bandage him and give him food so I handover Cesar to Maite |
| 17.30: | Back from horses, looks like Maite has been watering the plants and trees outside with Cesar.
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| 17.40: | Playing with Cesar on the mat while trying to open an assignment with incredibly slow internet |
| 18.00: | Feeding Cesar again at my desk while I study
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| 18.20: | Cesar dozed off while eating (or what I call ‘sleating’ – where he sleeps and eats at the same time). He is up now.He cries, he sliced his face with one of his nails. Sometimes he acts like Cesar Scissorhands. I go change his diaper once he settles down.
Prune his Scissorhands |
| 18.40: | Gian comes home from work. He holds Cesar for a moment before he goes off to do more work.
We go and hang out with the dogs
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| 19.15: | We have dinner and feed Cesar some food that I defrosted for him earlier.
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| 19.40: | We are done eating and go to Pony Treats
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| 20.00: | I have to attend a chat, I put Cesar down on the mat and hope he can entertain himself for long enough until the chat is over.
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| 20.20: | I put Cesar on my lap as he’s done entertaining himself, I play with him while still chatting.
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| 20.30: | I feed Cesar again, he likes to eat more frequently for shorter amount of times when the teething pain increases, it helps take the edge of. I keep chatting. |
| 21.00: | I change Cesar’s diaper and put him = in the glider as he looks exhausted and quickly falls asleep. I check and respond to some emails.
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| 21.30: | Gian is done working, Monkey is sleeping. We decide to take a short bath together to relax, get clean and catch up on each other’s day. We give the baby monitor to Maite and LJ so they can take care of Cesar if he wakes up. |
| 21.40: | We hear Cesar cry from the bath. It’s the kind of cry where we know he is in a lot of pain. There’s a pause – we look at eachother – we get out of the bath, I wrap a towel around me and go check on Cesar. I go into the room and LJ is holding him, he is still crying. Me and Gian linger around in our towels watching Cesar by Maite and LJ to check whether we should abandon the bath or whether Cesar is ok enough for us to go back. He seems alright after a few minutes so we resume our bath. After a minute or so Maite lets us now he is ok to assure us while we are in our bath. |
| 22.00: | Cesar is crying but doesn’t seem too bad, after a while it escalates and Maite comes knocking saying it’s time to come now because he’s probably hungry now as well. Get out of the bath and get dressed and ready. |
| 22.15: | I get Cesar and feed him.
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| 22.40: | Cesar is almost sleeping, I leave him on my lap a bit longer until he is sleeping nicely, then I move him to the bed. Then I study again. |
| 24.00: | I go lay next to Cesar and read a bit from a book so I don’t fall asleep dreaming about economics. |
| 00.30: | I put the book away, change Cesar’s diaper while he sleeps and then go sleep myself. Hopefully this night’s better than the last.
THE END (Not really, he wakes up a few times and I feed him, he cries from his teeth during the night and we restart our adventures the next day:) ) |
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