Showing posts with label care. Show all posts
Showing posts with label care. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 23, 2014
Day 43: And the Race Begins! | Motherhood Paranoia
Continuing from my previous blog: Day 42: Losing Touch with Reality, Losing Touch with your Child |Motherhood Paranoia
In my previous blog I went over how I was allowing my relationship with my baby to be shaped through scoring his behaviour into categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as how I saw it fit in with developmental milestones for his age. In this blog I am continuing with this point, where I not only look at how I see this point affect myself but how I see this being linked in at a societal level as well.
When I saw how the atypical baby was moving and compared Cesar to him, I was happy that Cesar did not turn out to be a ‘atypical’ baby, because it was clear that the atypical baby was struggling and did not have an effective body to develop and grow effectively. I saw myself going into this point of satisfaction where I kind of went ‘Aaah, everything is okay – I can be relaxed now’ – and as I was allowing this experience to take over, there was a moment of silence within me – and then I asked myself: Wait – what is going on here?
Because what I saw in that moment, is that I could care less about this atypical baby that’s struggling it’s ass off to move himself in his reality and carry his development forward. In a way, it was almost as if there was a form of being pleased that this baby is struggling, where there is this odd logic existent where ‘because this other baby is struggling, my baby has a greater chance of being a winner’.
It’s like, we’ve become so accustomed to the idea that there are always those who lag behind, those who are normal and those who are always at the frontier in society. Whether it’s in growth/development, school, relationships and ultimately jobs/careers. So if someone else in your ‘peer group’ fall in the category if being part of the ‘losers’, then that’s already one less statistical chance of you being in that position.
So when you’re faced with a situation where someone else is disadvantaged, you’re happy because, at least it’s not you or – at least it’s not your baby. Who cares about this other person/kid who is struggling and where this might follow him/her his/her entire life? At least I/my baby’s part of the winners and he will make it in life.
So there’s no regard whatsoever for other people, other children, other forms of life. All that matter is you and your baby. So here I could see, how in the way I was participating in this point of developmental milestones, where I had allowed it to become emotionally and feeling charged – this was another form of Survivalism, where I was trying to gauge and measure ‘how good my baby’s chances of survival are in the world’ – and where an unspoken decision had already been made that I would look after ‘only my baby’ and that I care for ‘only my baby’ – as if there is some tacit rule that each one must just look after their own offspring and ‘may the best win’ type of thing.
And I mean, it was not as if I was consciously voicing thoughts of this nature within myself – it was just like an overall ‘feeling’ that was just scarcely noticeable which was just silently hovering around, like a slight mist present all over inside myself. And only once I started investigating my conscious fears, and then investigating the emotional charged, I really became aware of this presence which is kind of like the rules of the game you are playing, which you once upon a time had agreed upon but had forgotten about. Yet, you were still playing within those parameters as the rules has become normalized through acceptance and allowance.
To be continued
Friday, April 12, 2013
Day 13: Fear of Becoming My Mother - Part Two
When and as I see myself attach and access an experience of 'coldness' in relation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is not a necessary characteristic of the word 'mother', but one I assigned to it. I commit myself to let go of the reaction/experience within the realisation that I am the one who decides what definition a word carries
When and as I see myself having an image of an 'ice queen' pop up in relation to the word 'Mother', I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing connections based on past experiences which do not need to have any relevance to the practical living of the word 'mother' and so I commit myself to delete/stop the image and ground myself within my human physical body
When and as I see myself access the belief/judgment that the word 'mother' is bad or 'evil' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely reacting based on emotionally charged memories from the past and so I commit myself to clear myself within and as breath
When and as I see myself having an image of a rigid old lady with a prune face pop-up in relation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing an image based on an interpretation of the word 'mother' based on past experiences. I commit myself to delete the image and let go of the experience and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself belief that my reactions and feelings about a particular word are 'real' in terms of believing that my reactions and feelings are what the word is and consists of -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the reactions and experiences are merely the product of accumulation of memory and associations and so I commit myself to let go, breathe and investigate what I want a particular word to be
When and as I see myself connect/attach a judge-like connotation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have connected these two points based on my experience of the word mother -- but that I do not have to live the word 'mother' this way. I commit myself to let go of the reaction and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself connect an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ as well as the belief that ‘being a mother is living in fear’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not require to live by this idea/belief and that there is another way of being a ‘mother’ other than that which I personally experienced and so I commit myself to delete the image/belief and trust myself to be able to live by a definition of mother that I can stand by / endorse
When and as I see myself connect the word ‘burden’ to the word ‘mother’ within a negative energy connotation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am merely accessing past memories and images of my own mother to the word ‘mother’ to ‘fill it up’ and give it content and so I commit myself to breathe and let go of this association
When and as I see myself having an image of my mother sitting in the couch looking all tired/exhausted come up, in relation to the word mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to hold on to this memory as I see and realize that I do not need to repeat the past. I commit myself to breathe, let go and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself access the belief that a mother should ‘know it all’ within ‘being an adult’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to pretend to know it all when I know that I do not know it all because that’s just lying to myself lol and so I commit myself to let go of this belief
When and as I see myself connect the world ‘control’ to the word ‘mother’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that control is often utilized by parents because they have not yet investigated for themselves how things can be done within common sense and then resort to fear tactics to control one’s children. I commit myself to let go of the control connotation and trust myself that I can do without
When and as I see myself react to the word ‘mother’ within the belief that I have to now become this persona/role as all the attachments and ideas I have created about ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my personal relationship with my mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to do this and that I do not have to walk the same role as how mother’s currently are as there is another way. I commit myself to decide for myself what kind of mother I want to be within standing as an example of what it means to live one’s life with honour and integrity towards Life and a Consideration for what is Best for All
When and as I see myself fearing becoming my own mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am lucky to have been given and taught the tools of Self Forgiveness and Self Change and that within using these tools I can script my own path to parenthood as what I want to live by and so I commit myself to let go of the fear and embrace the tools I have and walk my process of self-perfection
Monday, April 8, 2013
Day 12: Fear of Becoming My Mother
This blog is a continuation to:
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
Day 11: Because I Said So – Mother (Part 3)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an experience of ‘coldness’ to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of an ‘ice queen’ to the word/concept of ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that the word mother is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ within observing my own mother’s reaction to the word ‘Mother’ – where it was made clear that I should not utter this wicked word towards my mother and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have copied my mother’s interpretation/perception/opinion/impression of the word ‘mother’ and made it my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the image of a rigid old lady with a prune face to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my associations to the word mother were necessary characteristics of what it means to ‘be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the word ‘mother’ a ‘judge-like’ connotation wherein the mother is the one who dictates to the child what is what and what is good/right and bad/wrong and then ‘that’s the way it is’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined care as living within constant fear and thus having defined ‘being a mother’ as ‘living within constant fear’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘burden’ to ‘mother’ and to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘burden’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an image of my mother sitting in the couch at the end of the day and looking exhausted to the word ‘mother’ – where this image caries the meaning of the ‘burdensomeness of motherhood’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘adult’ to the word ‘mother’ – wherein the word ‘adult’ represents a point of ‘authority’ and ‘know it all’ and carries a resonance of ‘pretense’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘adult’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘control’ to ‘mother’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative charge to the word ‘control’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word ‘mother’ and the word ‘mother’ in relation to ‘myself’ – within accessing all the various associations and connotations which I have accumulated throughout the past which now constitute as my definition of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am now pregnant and am going to give birth and thus technically = I am going to be a mother – that I know have to take on the role/suite of ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my experience of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my own mother
To be continued…
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
Day 11: Because I Said So – Mother (Part 3)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an experience of ‘coldness’ to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of an ‘ice queen’ to the word/concept of ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that the word mother is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ within observing my own mother’s reaction to the word ‘Mother’ – where it was made clear that I should not utter this wicked word towards my mother and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have copied my mother’s interpretation/perception/opinion/impression of the word ‘mother’ and made it my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the image of a rigid old lady with a prune face to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my associations to the word mother were necessary characteristics of what it means to ‘be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the word ‘mother’ a ‘judge-like’ connotation wherein the mother is the one who dictates to the child what is what and what is good/right and bad/wrong and then ‘that’s the way it is’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined care as living within constant fear and thus having defined ‘being a mother’ as ‘living within constant fear’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘burden’ to ‘mother’ and to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘burden’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an image of my mother sitting in the couch at the end of the day and looking exhausted to the word ‘mother’ – where this image caries the meaning of the ‘burdensomeness of motherhood’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘adult’ to the word ‘mother’ – wherein the word ‘adult’ represents a point of ‘authority’ and ‘know it all’ and carries a resonance of ‘pretense’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘adult’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘control’ to ‘mother’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative charge to the word ‘control’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word ‘mother’ and the word ‘mother’ in relation to ‘myself’ – within accessing all the various associations and connotations which I have accumulated throughout the past which now constitute as my definition of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am now pregnant and am going to give birth and thus technically = I am going to be a mother – that I know have to take on the role/suite of ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my experience of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my own mother
To be continued…
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