Monday, April 8, 2013
Day 12: Fear of Becoming My Mother
This blog is a continuation to:
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
Day 11: Because I Said So – Mother (Part 3)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an experience of ‘coldness’ to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of an ‘ice queen’ to the word/concept of ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that the word mother is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ within observing my own mother’s reaction to the word ‘Mother’ – where it was made clear that I should not utter this wicked word towards my mother and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have copied my mother’s interpretation/perception/opinion/impression of the word ‘mother’ and made it my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the image of a rigid old lady with a prune face to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my associations to the word mother were necessary characteristics of what it means to ‘be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the word ‘mother’ a ‘judge-like’ connotation wherein the mother is the one who dictates to the child what is what and what is good/right and bad/wrong and then ‘that’s the way it is’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined care as living within constant fear and thus having defined ‘being a mother’ as ‘living within constant fear’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘burden’ to ‘mother’ and to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘burden’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an image of my mother sitting in the couch at the end of the day and looking exhausted to the word ‘mother’ – where this image caries the meaning of the ‘burdensomeness of motherhood’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘adult’ to the word ‘mother’ – wherein the word ‘adult’ represents a point of ‘authority’ and ‘know it all’ and carries a resonance of ‘pretense’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘adult’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘control’ to ‘mother’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative charge to the word ‘control’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word ‘mother’ and the word ‘mother’ in relation to ‘myself’ – within accessing all the various associations and connotations which I have accumulated throughout the past which now constitute as my definition of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am now pregnant and am going to give birth and thus technically = I am going to be a mother – that I know have to take on the role/suite of ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my experience of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my own mother
To be continued…
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
Day 11: Because I Said So – Mother (Part 3)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an experience of ‘coldness’ to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of an ‘ice queen’ to the word/concept of ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that the word mother is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ within observing my own mother’s reaction to the word ‘Mother’ – where it was made clear that I should not utter this wicked word towards my mother and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have copied my mother’s interpretation/perception/opinion/impression of the word ‘mother’ and made it my own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the image of a rigid old lady with a prune face to the word ‘mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my associations to the word mother were necessary characteristics of what it means to ‘be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the word ‘mother’ a ‘judge-like’ connotation wherein the mother is the one who dictates to the child what is what and what is good/right and bad/wrong and then ‘that’s the way it is’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined care as living within constant fear and thus having defined ‘being a mother’ as ‘living within constant fear’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘burden’ to ‘mother’ and to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘burden’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an image of my mother sitting in the couch at the end of the day and looking exhausted to the word ‘mother’ – where this image caries the meaning of the ‘burdensomeness of motherhood’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘adult’ to the word ‘mother’ – wherein the word ‘adult’ represents a point of ‘authority’ and ‘know it all’ and carries a resonance of ‘pretense’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘adult’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘control’ to ‘mother’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative charge to the word ‘control’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word ‘mother’ and the word ‘mother’ in relation to ‘myself’ – within accessing all the various associations and connotations which I have accumulated throughout the past which now constitute as my definition of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am now pregnant and am going to give birth and thus technically = I am going to be a mother – that I know have to take on the role/suite of ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my experience of ‘what it means to be a mother’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my own mother
To be continued…
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Day 11: Because I Said So – Mother (Part 3)
This blog is a continuation to:
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
In my last blog I talked about the ‘burden’ and ‘adult’ association in relation to my experience of the word ‘Mother’.
The next association is that of ‘control’ and ‘respect’.
This point mostly comes up in relation to my mother making particular decisions for me, which I would then disagree with. When I would ask her why she made that particular decision so I can understand where’s she coming from and make my reasoning process more clear to her – she would simply not budge and say something like ‘No, this is my decision and this is how it’s going to be’ and then I would ask her ‘But why, it doesn’t make any sense, look at it’ and then I would explain to her why I disagree and then she would pull the ‘I am your mother and you live in my house so you live by my rules’ type of card. If I would disobey or go against my mother’s decision I would be confronted by my dad in a somewhat unpleasant way where he would make it clear that I have to respect my mother and listen to her no matter what.
So here I understood that if you are a Mother you get special privileges where you can decide things which can go unquestioned. I was very unhappy with this. I was fine with my mother making decisions for me as long as she could substantiate them to me and whether they made sense. So it’s also a point of ‘as mother you don’t have to explain yourself’.
So all in all – the word ‘Mother’ has been pretty negatively charged for me:
In my blogs to follow I will work on removing this attachments and energy connotations through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
The next association is that of ‘control’ and ‘respect’.
This point mostly comes up in relation to my mother making particular decisions for me, which I would then disagree with. When I would ask her why she made that particular decision so I can understand where’s she coming from and make my reasoning process more clear to her – she would simply not budge and say something like ‘No, this is my decision and this is how it’s going to be’ and then I would ask her ‘But why, it doesn’t make any sense, look at it’ and then I would explain to her why I disagree and then she would pull the ‘I am your mother and you live in my house so you live by my rules’ type of card. If I would disobey or go against my mother’s decision I would be confronted by my dad in a somewhat unpleasant way where he would make it clear that I have to respect my mother and listen to her no matter what.
So here I understood that if you are a Mother you get special privileges where you can decide things which can go unquestioned. I was very unhappy with this. I was fine with my mother making decisions for me as long as she could substantiate them to me and whether they made sense. So it’s also a point of ‘as mother you don’t have to explain yourself’.
So all in all – the word ‘Mother’ has been pretty negatively charged for me:
In my blogs to follow I will work on removing this attachments and energy connotations through Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
In my last blog I started looking at some of the associations/connections that I have created towards the word ‘Mother’ – and within doing so, actually also looking at/investigating my relationship with my own mother – as the primary baseline on which I constructed my definition of ‘what a mother is’ and what emotions/feelings are attached to it.
The association points which I discussed in my previous blog were:
- Ice queen
- Morality
- Fear – and where this fear is closely connected to what it means to ‘care’
Related to the image of my mom’s “caring” yet fearful face – is an image of my mom sitting on the couch at the end of the day. To this I connected the ‘burden of being a mother’. My mother worked a bit more than half-time. She would get everything ready for us in the morning, she would take the train to work, get back home in the evening and then start with cooking. Then she would have to do work for school (she was a teacher) and then late at night she could just plop down the couch and relax. She maintained the house all by herself in terms of cleaning. All we kids had to do was clean our room (which in my case rarely happened); sometimes put the dishes away and from time to time kick our dirty laundry down the stairs for our mom to pick up. So even though she worked “part-time” at school, including with everything she did in the house and family things – she was pretty much working all the time.
I would often tease her and harass her in the evenings, when my parents would put up a movie to watch that we didn’t want to see – and then they’d fall asleep after ten minutes being completely knocked out. In the evenings I would also ask her to do or check things for me and then she would say something like ‘Please, just let me SIT for 10 minutes!!!’ – where sometimes I thought if I would push more she would end up crying or something. So here, the whole ‘burden’ association came from: being a mother is hard, you have to bring in money, take care of the kids, take care of the husband, take care of the house and in the evening you can sit for a bit before you’re knocked out and that’s your “me-time”.
The next association is that of ‘mother’ being connected to ‘adult’.
I touched on this point in one of my other blogs in my Leila’s Journey to Life blog, in Day 173: My Moral Code & Politics and the blogs that followed from that. The Adult point consists of kind of a dogmatic belief that Adults ‘know it all’ and Adults ‘know best’. Like there is an unspoken agreement between all adults to act as if they know what they are doing, and deliberately act in a way so that anyone who’s not an adults (= kids) does NOT know everything and should thus ‘shut up, be quiet and listen/respect your elders’. That’s not how I looked at it back then though. When I was the kid, it was a naivety and also kind of a point of innocence, where you trust your parents to know what they’re doing. I strongly believed that whatever decisions my parents made, they had good reason to go for that decision. After all, they are ‘adults’ – they have been around longer than I have, they must be right.
And I mean, the first thing I was faced with when finding out that I was pregnant was “Shit I am not prepared for this”. There are so many things that I still have to figure out and so many things that I have questions about – how the hell am I now going to take care of someone else? I can’t handle that trust – I don’t know anything!!!
I remember when I found out that my parents weren’t omniscient – and it was a big deal, I really felt betrayed because they had purposely portrayed themselves this way to get us to be obedient and see them as authority figures – I felt manipulated! So one of the reactions I had to finding out that I was going to be a mother was ‘Am I now also have to join that gang, and ‘pretend’ that I know “everything” and “know what I am doing”. You could say I connected ‘Adult’ to ‘Mother’ and in turn connected ‘Deceiver/Pretender’ to ‘Adult’ lol.
Will continue with this association exercise in my next blog
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
As I was busy creating this new blog, I also had massive reactions towards the title (Journey to a New Life – An Expecting Mother) – and I almost had a gag reflexes going on as I was typing M-o-t-h-e-r. So the first thing I want to take on in terms of Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements is this negative connotation that I had accepted and allowed myself to have attached to both pregnancy/being pregnant and ‘mother’ / ‘motherhood’.
So within this blog I want to have a look at my reactions to the word ‘Mother’ specifically.
When looking at the word ‘Mother’, the first ‘impression’ I get is like a cold vibe – like Mothers are ‘ice queens’. So here there is a definitive negative energetic connotation that dominates the word ‘Mother’. I suddenly remember how my own mom absolutely HATED it when I would call her ‘Mother’. She would have an immediate adverse reaction and say ‘Never call me Mother, I am your Mama!’ lol (and of course I would go and say ‘Mother’ over and over again in a very serious and obedient voice just to piss her off). So this is quite interesting to see how she seemed to have shared that negative association to the word ‘Mother’ – while ‘Mama’ for me has a more positive energetic charge connected to it, and has like a ‘warmish’ vibe in contrast to the ‘cold’ vibe connected to ‘Mother’. So I will flag this point (‘Mama’) to work on later – for now I will only work with ‘Mother’.
After the cold-vibe experience, the next thing that pops up is the word Morality. This word also has a picture connected to it, which kind of looks like the ‘Morality’ card within the Osho Zen Tarot Card Deck – though my version is more ice-queenish and the woman is holding a long sword down, giving the image that extra dual symmetry emphasis. Here I see the point of ‘Mother’ as being the one who decides ‘what is right’ and ‘what is wrong’ – ‘what is good’ and ‘what is bad’ and ‘how things are done’. This I also link to ‘Principles’, in terms of the Mother being the one who provides the child with principles/guidelines to live by in this world – but again in my case, I have attached a negative energetic charge to the point.
At this point it is quite clear that when I am looking at the word ‘Mother’ I am not just ‘looking at the word’, but really actually looking at my relationship that I created towards my mother and how I experienced her. So in a way the next few blogs will be me deconstructing my relationship with/towards my mother – so that I can reconstruct a definition for the word Mother that I am cool to live by.
Back to Mother associations.
Next what comes up is my mom’s face. It’s is a caring face but it is also a fearful face. Her wrinkles are very defined, making her look tired and it looks like she may have been crying. The ‘undertone’ of the image is overall fear, like motherhood is living in fear.
During my overall process, I have worked with many points of fear and often when I start working on them, I am clueless with regards to their origin. It’s like I have this fear but I don’t know how it got here / where it came from. After writing and investigating, I have found that most times the fear was carried over from my mother. I never realized how much fear-based my relationship was with my mother while we were living together. It was never explicitly expressed, but like a shadow that was always lurking around in every situation. Only now, after the fact and looking back, do I see how much fear played a role in our relationship and to what extent it influenced and shaped our relationship.
Will continue with this association exercise within the next blog
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Day 08: My Body is now My Own – Part 3
This blog is a continuation toWhen and as I see myself change my experience/mood according to how I feel physically – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that there is no point to further perpetuate a physical imbalance by adding a mental imbalance on top of it and so I commit myself to stop, breathe and disengage my participation within the energy involved
When and as I see myself react to nausea and/or stomach sensitivity within thinking ‘Oh no, not again’ or ‘Here we go again’ and within that moment feel myself ‘drop lower’ inside myself – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am only making things worse for myself by adding an additional mental layer to an already unpleasant experience which does not need to be more unpleasant than what it already is and so I commit myself to snap myself out of this thought pattern and take a deep breath to assist and support myself in grounding myself in my human physical body
When and as I see myself access a feeling of ‘diminishment’ paired to a reduction in my capacity – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to experience myself within this negative energetic charge and that I can simply adjust and make due within the new situation without attaching anything to it which is what I commit myself to
When and as I see myself access a negative energetic experience of self-pity within having to take my bodies processes into account more and create a negative experience around it within a point of “I have no choice” – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am dramatizing the situation and so I commit myself to remind myself that there were many points of ‘no choice’ before I was experiencing myself like this within human physical body and so I stop the energetic charge and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself react within self-pity when being confronted to a limited choice of food things to eat or things I can do – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I need to simply take these points into account without creating anything about it and so I commit myself to remind myself that I don’t go and pity myself each time I have to go to the toilet which is also a point of ‘no choice’ and so I ground myself within and as my human physical body in breath
When and as I see myself experience myself as ‘less’ and ‘diminished’ within being more restricted in what I can do and end up feeling ‘useless’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I have created a necessary connection between what someone ‘can do’ and what a person is ‘worth’ as part of the capitalistic system we have accepted and allowed to direct our living in this world, where people are valued by what they can do instead of who they are as life and so I commit myself to stop and disengage from this energy/thought pattern as I see and realize what I am participating in / supporting within maintaining this pattern
Monday, April 1, 2013
Day 07: My Body is not My Own – Part 2
This blog is a continuation to Day 06: My Body is not My Own
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to experiencing nausea within a negative energetic charge
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my physical experience as nausea and stomach sensitivity determine my mood / inner experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perpetuated the unpleasant experience of nausea, tiredness and stomach sensitivity by adding a mental layer of unpleasantness unto it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the nausea and stomach sensitivity within going into a down mode of ‘oh no, not again’ and worrying about my schedule instead of simply breathing and being here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my reduced capacity as a limitation in a negative sense – wherein I see that for a moment I am not able to do things as I used to do them and require to slow down, but give this a negative connotation and feel bad about myself instead of simply acknowledging the new situation and adapting without interpreting the situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a negative experience of ‘I don’t have a choice in my own body’ – where things are changing and my body is changing and all I can do is ‘go with it’ – not seeing and realizing that I never really had any sort of real ‘choice’ in relation to myself and my body, as clearly there are certain things my body requires to do and certain things I require to do to sustain my body within which I have no choice whatsoever lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I previously had ‘choice’ within my body as the limited choice of ‘being able to eat a variety of things’ and ‘not feeling nausea’ – not seeing and realizing that these points of ‘choice’ are miniscule as I don’t have any choice in breathing, eating, drinking, peeing, pooing – and it is not like I go and feel ‘bad’ about myself each time I have to go to the toilet as a reminder that ‘I don’t have any free choice’ in relation to my body lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dramatize my situation within feeling ‘useless’ not seeing and realizing that nothing has changed all that much and that I am still very much capable of doing my regular things and that it is just a matter of adjusting to a changing situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘less’ when I am able to do ‘less’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my self-worth and self-appreciation in terms of ‘how much I can do’, where the ‘more’ is ‘better’ – coming from a whole association of ‘productivity’ as being part of a ‘work force’ and having to be a ‘good worker’ so I can ‘survive’ in the system
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to drop this self-imposed limitation and value and appreciate myself as Life
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my physical experience as nausea and stomach sensitivity determine my mood / inner experience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perpetuated the unpleasant experience of nausea, tiredness and stomach sensitivity by adding a mental layer of unpleasantness unto it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the nausea and stomach sensitivity within going into a down mode of ‘oh no, not again’ and worrying about my schedule instead of simply breathing and being here
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my reduced capacity as a limitation in a negative sense – wherein I see that for a moment I am not able to do things as I used to do them and require to slow down, but give this a negative connotation and feel bad about myself instead of simply acknowledging the new situation and adapting without interpreting the situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a negative experience of ‘I don’t have a choice in my own body’ – where things are changing and my body is changing and all I can do is ‘go with it’ – not seeing and realizing that I never really had any sort of real ‘choice’ in relation to myself and my body, as clearly there are certain things my body requires to do and certain things I require to do to sustain my body within which I have no choice whatsoever lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I previously had ‘choice’ within my body as the limited choice of ‘being able to eat a variety of things’ and ‘not feeling nausea’ – not seeing and realizing that these points of ‘choice’ are miniscule as I don’t have any choice in breathing, eating, drinking, peeing, pooing – and it is not like I go and feel ‘bad’ about myself each time I have to go to the toilet as a reminder that ‘I don’t have any free choice’ in relation to my body lol
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dramatize my situation within feeling ‘useless’ not seeing and realizing that nothing has changed all that much and that I am still very much capable of doing my regular things and that it is just a matter of adjusting to a changing situation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘less’ when I am able to do ‘less’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined my self-worth and self-appreciation in terms of ‘how much I can do’, where the ‘more’ is ‘better’ – coming from a whole association of ‘productivity’ as being part of a ‘work force’ and having to be a ‘good worker’ so I can ‘survive’ in the system
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to drop this self-imposed limitation and value and appreciate myself as Life
Friday, March 29, 2013
Day 06: My Body is not My Own
I haven’t had any food cravings lately, but have been experiencing more of a general disgust towards a lot, if not most foods. So I have been keeping myself to eating very plain and bland things – fatty things like chips has become an absolute ‘no-no’ and anything with a variety of flavors and tastes can be pretty upsetting as well. I’ve been drinking ginger tea which gives a short relief of the nausea.
One evening I even went to hide in my bed underneath the blankets to stay away from the cooking smells coming from the kitchen which were seriously upsetting my stomach. So far there doesn’t seem to be a particular pattern in terms of being better or worse at evening/noons or mornings.
Mostly I’ve been able to get to my ‘essential’ points that I have to get to in a day (besides studying) – but I am spending a lot of time in bed or just trying to sooth my stomach or pacing around the kitchen and checking out my food options. Within being on the ‘side-line’ and not having any control over my body – I’ve been feeling somewhat useless at times, where it feels like my body and entire existence has been put ‘on hold’ for a moment where I am temporarily only here in function of this growing being inside me. This has sometimes been a bit intense so in my next blogs I will do Self Forgiveness on this point.
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