Monday, April 8, 2013

Day 12: Fear of Becoming My Mother

This blog is a continuation to:
Day 09: M-o-t-h-e-r
Day 10: What does it mean to be an Adult? – Mother (Part 2)
Day 11: Because I Said So – Mother (Part 3)


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an experience of ‘coldness’ to the word ‘mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of an ‘ice queen’ to the word/concept of ‘mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that the word mother is ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ within observing my own mother’s reaction to the word ‘Mother’ – where it was made clear that I should not utter this wicked word towards my mother and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have copied my mother’s interpretation/perception/opinion/impression of the word ‘mother’ and made it my own

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the image of a rigid old lady with a prune face to the word ‘mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my associations to the word mother were necessary characteristics of what it means to ‘be a mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given the word ‘mother’ a ‘judge-like’ connotation wherein the mother is the one who dictates to the child what is what and what is good/right and bad/wrong and then ‘that’s the way it is’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have defined care as living within constant fear and thus having defined ‘being a mother’ as ‘living within constant fear’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘burden’ to ‘mother’ and to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘burden’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached an image of my mother sitting in the couch at the end of the day and looking exhausted to the word ‘mother’ – where this image caries the meaning of the ‘burdensomeness of motherhood’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘adult’ to the word ‘mother’ – wherein the word ‘adult’ represents a point of ‘authority’ and ‘know it all’ and carries a resonance of ‘pretense’ and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative energy charge to the word ‘adult’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have connected the word ‘control’ to ‘mother’ and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative charge to the word ‘control’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the word ‘mother’ and the word ‘mother’ in relation to ‘myself’ – within accessing all the various associations and connotations which I have accumulated throughout the past which now constitute as my definition of ‘what it means to be a mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am now pregnant and am going to give birth and thus technically = I am going to be a mother – that I know have to take on the role/suite of ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my experience of ‘what it means to be a mother’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming my own mother

To be continued…

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