Journey to a New Life

In Day 02: Uh Oh – I am Pregnant, I wrote the following:

As I was busy creating this new blog, I also had massive reactions towards the title (Journey to a New Life – An Expecting Mother) – and I almost had a gag reflexes going on as I was typing M-o-t-h-e-r. So the first thing I want to take on in terms of Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements is this negative connotation that I had accepted and allowed myself to have attached to both pregnancy/being pregnant and ‘mother’ / ‘motherhood’.

So within this blog I want to have a look at my reactions to the word ‘Mother’ specifically.

When looking at the word ‘Mother’, the first ‘impression’ I get is like a cold vibe – like Mothers are ‘ice queens’. So here there is a definitive negative energetic connotation that dominates the word ‘Mother’. I suddenly remember how my own mom absolutely HATED it when I would call her ‘Mother’. She would have an immediate adverse reaction and say ‘Never call me Mother, I am your Mama!’ lol (and of course I would go and say ‘Mother’ over and over again in a very serious and obedient voice just to piss her off). So this is quite interesting to see how she seemed to have shared that negative association to the word ‘Mother’ – while ‘Mama’ for me has a more positive energetic charge connected to it, and has like a ‘warmish’ vibe in contrast to the ‘cold’ vibe connected to ‘Mother’. So I will flag this point (‘Mama’) to work on later – for now I will only work with ‘Mother’.

After the cold-vibe experience, the next thing that pops up is the word Morality. This word also has a picture connected to it, which kind of looks like the ‘Morality’ card within the Osho Zen Tarot Card Deck – though my version is more ice-queenish and the woman is holding a long sword down, giving the image that extra dual symmetry emphasis. Here I see the point of ‘Mother’ as being the one who decides ‘what is right’ and ‘what is wrong’ – ‘what is good’ and ‘what is bad’ and ‘how things are done’. This I also link to ‘Principles’, in terms of the Mother being the one who provides the child with principles/guidelines to live by in this world – but again in my case, I have attached a negative energetic charge to the point.

At this point it is quite clear that when I am looking at the word ‘Mother’ I am not just ‘looking at the word’, but really actually looking at my relationship that I created towards my mother and how I experienced her. So in a way the next few blogs will be me deconstructing my relationship with/towards my mother – so that I can reconstruct a definition for the word Mother that I am cool to live by.

Back to Mother associations.

Next what comes up is my mom’s face. It’s is a caring face but it is also a fearful face. Her wrinkles are very defined, making her look tired and it looks like she may have been crying. The ‘undertone’ of the image is overall fear, like motherhood is living in fear.

During my overall process, I have worked with many points of fear and often when I start working on them, I am clueless with regards to their origin. It’s like I have this fear but I don’t know how it got here / where it came from. After writing and investigating, I have found that most times the fear was carried over from my mother. I never realized how much fear-based my relationship was with my mother while we were living together. It was never explicitly expressed, but like a shadow that was always lurking around in every situation. Only now, after the fact and looking back, do I see how much fear played a role in our relationship and to what extent it influenced and shaped our relationship.

Will continue with this association exercise within the next blog