Monday, November 3, 2014

Day 58: What does it mean to ‘be a Mother’? | Principled Parenting

This blog is a continuation and extension of:

When I first found out that I was pregnant and was going to have a child in the near future – my eyes went wide open at the thought of "I am going to be a mother”.

I hadn’t really looked at or contemplated the point of being/becoming a mother or investigated what it really means to ‘be a mother’. So when I looked at the point of ‘being a mother’, I was still looking and accessing an idea/construct outside of myself where ‘being a mother’ means ‘so and so’ and ‘mothers do this and that’ where being a mother was like pulling on a suit/playing a character with a set script; and where I was essentially looking at becoming this other person because I don’t really know what to do with a child/baby, but this ‘mother character’ does!

So with being faced with the new point and stepping into the unknown – I immediately accessed a point of having no self-trust. Where I am aware that I am stepping into something new, fear that I will ‘not get it right’/make mistakes – immediately lose all trust within myself and reach outside of myself for a structure/direction to ‘tell me what to do’.

I didn’t yet see and realise that nothing was really changing. I mean, yes, things were changing in that my physical reality was going to be a whole lot different and my responsibilities would need to adapt to this new situation – but in terms of ‘who I was’ and ‘who I was going to be required to be’ – this would not need to change, as I would be taking the principles I stand by and work with into this new journey, and these principles = don’t change. So when I was looking at having to become this ‘whole other person’, this ‘mother’ – I for a moment completely abandoned my principles and was looking for someone/something outside of myself to prescribe my behaviour and how to go about this new situation, instead of simply trusting myself and walking the process moment by moment and falling back on my principles to ascertain for myself ‘what to do’ whenever a question would arise.

I then as I was pregnant worked with my ideas and beliefs around ‘being a mother’ so that I would be able to remove as much “disinformation” as I could for myself before actually being a mother, so that when the time comes, I would then be able to see more clearly what to do/how to approach things without these ideas/beliefs influencing my approach.

Here are some blogs I wrote at that stage in relation to my ideas/beliefs/memories connected to ‘being a mother’:

Walking this process of looking at how I had constructed an idea about ‘what it means to be a mother’ and deconstructing it assisted me a lot in clarifying points for myself and giving myself direction. 

When you aren’t a mother or have had no actual experience with children – all you have is knowledge and information. And this knowledge and information consists firstly of your own experiences with your own mother and other female figures in the family, and then all of the impressions you’ve received from your environment as your friends’ families, school, media, etc. So you have all these inputs that you’ve received about ‘what it means to be a mother’ – but all of it is all just knowledge and information. You haven’t yet actually walked the process of ‘being a mother’, so you don’t really know what’s real and what’s not, what’s relevant and what’s not.

So walking the process of going through the information and knowledge you’ve acquired and compartmentalized in your ‘being a mother’-file inside yourself, is quite handy in sorting out ‘the good from the bad’ and seeing and checking which information will benefit you to raising another being within the framework of What is Best for All – and which information/scripts should be deleted/removed when it becomes apparent that they produce harmful effects.

To be continued

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