Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Day 29: A Baby is Born



It was Tuesday evening/midnight and I was busy finishing some things on my laptop while laying on the bed. I moved around a bit strangely with my legs (there was kind of no other way, considering the size of my belly) when I felt some wetness and thought that maybe I had peed myself a bit.

I went to the bathroom to check what happened and change panties when I noticed that there was some blood in my panties and that I was ‘peeing without peeing’ – as fluids were running out without me actively trying to urinate. By now I figured my water broke but the blood point was new to me. All I had heard/read about was clear fluid or fluid that was yellow/green – where the latter would indicate that the baby had passed stools in the womb which would be a sign that the baby was in distress and that we had to move quickly. I went back to the room where Gian had just gotten into bed to go sleep and told him what was happening. From underneath the blanket I hear him take a deep breath in and then a deep breath out as he swung the blanket off of himself and jumped out of bed. Since we both didn’t know what to think of the blood point (should we rush to hospital or do we have some time) we did a quick search on the net and then called our doctor. She told us to go to the hospital as I was going into labour.

A few weeks ago I had done Self-Forgiveness on the various scenario’s the birth could take – placing myself both in the position of ‘how I planned it’ and then placing myself into the position of ‘it happening before the scheduled date’. What was clear from all the reading I had done, is that you could have a plan and a wish for your pregnancy and birth to go a certain way – but in the end your ‘choice’ is really limited and you just have to go with how things progress – which can be unpredictable. From that I learnt that I could have a preference, but that realistically I had to be okay with things not going the way I planned it. So I did Self Forgiveness on my scheduled plan as well as things not happening according to plan, so that in the end, no matter what happened – I knew I would be okay and just walk whichever scenario would take place.

So - as I was hit with the ‘surprise’, I remembered the Self Forgiveness I did and the Self-Corrective Scripts I had laid out for myself. I uploaded the scripts within myself and decided to walk them immediately. It was pretty simple: Walk and Breathe!

The baby bag had been ready but I hadn’t gotten to making my own bag for the hospital yet. I opened the door from my room and yelled out to Maite, saying ‘Now’s the time to come help me make my bag!’.

We got everything together and then I went off to the hospital accompanied by Gian and LJ.

We had already done our pre-admission just the week before so that on the day itself all our information would already be in the system and we could skip this administrative stop. So we went to the front desk, was guided to the maternity section in a wheelchair and was then transferred to a bed and into a hospital gown. It was nice to get out of the wet clothes lol. Once I got into the clothes I was also asked to pee in a little bowl so they could test the urine for protein/pre-eclampsia, which was all fine. The nurses asked whether I was experiencing contractions to which I responded that I didn’t. They then checked if I had started dilating which I did. This was very painful as they stuff their hand up your cervix and then kind of with their fingers check how far you are dilated (AUCH!). There seemed to have been some communication problems because somehow the nurse that ended up tending to me had not been informed by the other staff that I had arranged for a C-section with my OB Gyn, and so she hadn’t contacted my doctor to let her know I had arrived at the hospital and was waiting for me to progress in labour. This meant more checking for dilation (just awful). At some point then the information reached the nurse and then finally things got set in motion. A catheter was now also placed for my bladder (also awful). At first because I wasn’t dilated very far, the doctor had arranged to do the C-section around 6 in the morning. It then got moved to about 4 in the morning as I was progressing rather quick and was at 7 cm dilation by the time we got into theater. The funny thing was that I still hadn’t noticed that I was actually having contractions until they were very close together. The past week I had had such awful backpain that I couldn’t fall asleep at night until eventually exhaustion surpassed the physical pain – which was by the time everyone got up in the morning… Whenever you read about labour and contractions, it’s said that ‘you’ll know’ and ‘oh you’ll notice!’ – but I hadn’t since the pain of the contractions was only a deep discomfort compared the the pain I had been in with my back for the last week.

During my pregnancy I would dread looking forward at the time I would be spending at the hospital as I wasn’t keen on the whole zero-privacy aspect as you get inspected from every side and hole into your body. Though while it was happening it was actually ‘alright’, in that while it was happening I wasn’t making anything out of it which made it just another passing moment. It’s funny how people always say how life is ‘what you make out of it’ – while it’s actually quite in reverse, as it’s not about adding layers/dimensions to a moment as energy experiences but the opposite as not ‘making anything out of it’ and simply experiencing the moment bare, naked – as it is. So simply moving myself to be here with every breath made moments which I had imagined to be really uncomfortable to just be another moment / part of the birthing procedure.

Once in theater everything went pretty quick. The epidural was done which was a bit painful and a strange experience as it started to kick in. Luckily my OB Gyn held my hand and talked to me to distract me while the epidural was being done.

I don’t usually take much medicine or pain medication and it had been a long while since anything ‘major’ had happened to me which has required heavy drugs. So when the epidural kicked in I really had to breathe and stick to being in one breath at a time as I could feel the effects not just go down my rump and legs but also creep upwards a bit towards my lungs which was a very strange experience, and it felt like I really had to be here with every breath to make sure that the breaths took place. It was also a strange experience to have someone cutting into you and have their hands into you without feeling any pain but just a general experience of ‘something messing around’ in there.
They got to the baby pretty quick but had underestimated how big he / his head was and had to really pull the c-section opening open to be able to get him out all the way – which wasn’t a very fun experience either. Even though I couldn’t ‘feel pain’, I could feel my body was being strained and taking a hit.

When Cesar came into my eye sight, screaming and gooey with white stuff as he was just removed from the womb – I for a moment shifted inside myself. This was the first time I was seeing ‘my baby’ and I was not having any particular experience around it. Since I didn’t experience some feeling of ‘connection’ – I for a moment assumed that this meant that I was ‘disconnected’. I was in essence reacting to there not having been a reaction that took place. I could see how I started doubting myself as I started to interpret and analyze the possible ‘meaning’ of there not having been a particular experience and what this would mean for me on road ahead as a parent to Cesar. I then again remembered Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements I had done on this point as it had come up as a slight fear during pregnancy – and I remembered where this trail of thought would lead me if I decided to follow it (into depression) so I immediately disregarded the experience and stopped myself as I wasn’t interested in setting myself up to be depressed and realized that I would be in fact sabotaging my own relationship with Cesar through interpretation and assumption of a single moment – which was frankly quite silly.

Cesar was born on the 30th of October at 05.14 AM weighing 3.51 kg, measuring 48cms and a head circumference of 38 cm.

I focused again on breathing and turned my head as far as I could so I could see Gian with him and see how they were cleaning the baby etc.

When I went over this moment again later on, I realized that no experience came up which resulted in me shifting inside myself, simply because I didn’t have any memories/experiences relating to babies at all, as I had never had any interaction with babies during my life – and in that moment of seeing Cesar, out of my belly – my mind had nothing whatsoever that it could relate to in terms of my recorded history inside myself – and because there was simply nothing there and my system kind of froze – I immediately went into an assumption of self-inadequacy to try and ‘make sense’ of what was going on and have at least ‘some type of meaning’ for the moment that was happening in front of me. So while I did not have a distinct experience – my mind went and made an experience about not having a distinct experience lol and so in the end got to make something out of it anyway. In these type of moments you really get to see the mechanical nature of the mind and how it’s just another operating system working with memory and data files. And it’s interesting to see how such a small moment of ‘malfunction’ where the mind couldn’t immediately match an experience to the picture that was presented in reality, a rift was created which could have real consequential outflows if one were to really go into that point of ‘oh no, I did not experience anything when seeing my baby for the first time – this must mean something – this must say something bad about me’. All the while all that happened was that your system couldn’t match a memory to the present moment and then we go about and make something personal out of it.

Cesar was being checked, cleaned and taken to the nursery while I was being sewn up and having my vitals monitored for a short while after the procedure was over.

I only got to see Cesar later and for only a few seconds. They brought him to me when I was placed in my room to check his sucking reflex on my breast. The moment I confirmed that the reflex was there they grabbed him off of me and took him away with great haste. His blood sugar levels were very low and he was getting cold very quickly so they wanted to keep him in the nursery where they could monitor him closely and keep him warm. This wasn’t a very nice experience but I was so tired and drowsy from the meds that I had to tell myself to just breathe and trust that whatever needed to be done to stabilize him would be done as I could tell I did not have any energy to waste ‘worrying’ and would be better off resting so my body would be a bit more restored when I would see him later. I loved the moments they would bring him to me for nursing and I would just sit there and hold him – even though it was quite painful on my nipples. He wasn’t with me all the time and was being topped up with formula while being in the nursery because my milk supply was low. The pain from the C-section was quite intense for the first three days. The first day was especially though since I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything besides sucking on ice-cubes after the surgery. Once I could eat again I could tell my body was getting into super repair mode and then I recovered quite quickly. The breastfeeding was painful but ‘okay’, which I think the pain meds I was on took the edge off. At some point my nipples started bleeding and then a nurse helped me to get a better latch with Cesar which led to less pain but it was still painful.

After three days in the hospital me and Cesar were discharged and could leave. He had a bit of jaundice but his levels of bilirubin were quite low so the pediatrician was confident that it would clear up in a few days if I kept breastfeeding and give him some sunlight every day to help work through the excess bilirubin. I was quite chuffed we could go, even though I had no idea what things would be like and had to say bye-bye to the nurses taking care of Cesar but I trusted that I/we would figure it out as we would go along.

Driving to the farm was quite cool, especially as we drove by the fields down the road towards the gate and seeing the awesome environment that he would have the opportunity to grow up in.

In the next blog I will share how my first days were at home with Cesar… Stay tuned :-)
Enhanced by Zemanta

8 comments:

  1. Thanx for sharing your Caesars birth. I also had no emotional reaction to seeing Victor when he came out of me. I remember saying to myself ....wow i cant belive he just came out of me. He was a big baby. His birth was recorded so I went back and watched it. It was cool to see. He also had to be looked over since he could not regulate his temperature so I had to go to the nursery to feed him him and I was given a pump which I regret using at that time cuz it messed up my milk amount which made it very painful afterwards so I had to transition to formula after 3 weeks.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Awesome, thank you for sharing this! I recognize the thought that when seeing one's baby for the first time it should be some kind of a "big moment" with grandiose feelings and angel choirs (lol), so it was really cool to read through your perspective on how "normal" the moment actually is.

    ReplyDelete
  3. omg :D I just can't imagine all of this - but really cool how you walked through this Leila!

    ReplyDelete
  4. So cool to read this :D
    Thx for sharing leila

    ReplyDelete
  5. Fascinating point about the mind not having historical data base - I'm sure many mothers would be supported by reading your blog. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ! ES emocionante leer este bloc ya que yo tuve 6 hijos; 3 varones y 3 hembras. Desde que me sentía embarazada, comenzaba a hablar con mi bebe como si estuviera fuera de mi y eso estableció una relación desde antes de que nacieran; aunque era difícil afrontar ciertas circunstancias me fui aclimatando a sostenerlos en mi abdomen y se iba volviendo una costumbre . lo mas emocionante para mi en ese tiempo fue cuando los tenia en mis brazos por primera vez. ES maravilloso.

    ReplyDelete

Like us on Facebook

Powered by Blogger.

Popular Posts

Tags

6 month old abstract acceptance acid acid reflux actions adult advantage advertisement advice africa allopathic ancestry Android anger management angry animal kingdom animals annabrixthomsen anticipation anxiety anxious apathy apgar score application approval art of motherhood asset association associations attention atypical authority awareness babies baby baby blues baby economicus baby won't sleep baby. child babyblues backchat bad bad news ball barriers basic income becoming like my mother behavior Belgium belief beliefs bernardpoolman best for all best friend best intentions betrayal bi bias big biology birds birth birthing bleeding blogging body books bpm brainwashing break break down breastfeeding breastmilk build trust burden burnout c-section caesarean section calm down camp cannot change care cats cause cesar change changing character characteristics child child development Child support Childbirth childhood children chill choice choices choke choking christmas city city life class cleaning clone co-sleeping cold colic commitment comparison competition compromise concern concerned conditioning conflict connotation conscious consequence consequences consumerism control cooperation copy copy paste cracked cravings crazy cream Creation creativity creator crisis criticism crossing over Crucifixion of Jesus cruel crying crying emotional cultural differences culture cure curiosity dairy debt decision declaration define definition delusion demanding dependent depression design desire desteni desteni farm development developmental milestones diaper change diaper changing diapering digestive system dimensions DIP direction dirt disasppointment discipline discomfort discontent disgust disruptive distract distraction disturbance doctor doctors dogma dogs dream driving me nuts dues duty eagle Earth echo education emergency emotional well-being energy enjoyment enrichment eqafe eqaulmoney equality equalmoney europe example exams excuse excuses exhausted exhaustion expand expansion expect expecting expensive Experience explore expression failed failure fairness fairytail Family family life fantasy Farm farm life father fatherhood fear fear of making mistake Fear of Missing Out feeding feel good female ego Fetus fight financial security first time mother flashback Fomo forced Forgiveness formality formula foster free time freedom frequent frustrated frustration fun fussy future gender genealogy generation generations genious gerd germs gift gifts gifts from animals giving up going crazy google grounding grow growing growth guidance happy hard hate healing Health heart beat heaven heaven on earth help help me helping hide high tech history holding back holistic living hollywood Home home environment homeopathy homeschooling hormones Horse horses hospital howard zinn Human Human breast milk human nature human rights humanity hunger games husband hygiene hyperactive hypocrite icequeen ideas ignorant illness illusion immunization impossible inconvenient incubator inductive control indulgence industry inequality inexperienced Infant Infant formula information innate innocence insane insecure insight insights instruction integration integrity intelligence intelligent design intense internalize internet intimacy investigate iPhone irritable isolated jealousy job joints journey justification justifications kid know it all knowledge labour language latch late Learning lessons lie life life coaching life lessons lifestyle lig ligaments limitation limitations lineage little mermaid live for children live through children living for others living income guaranteed living through others living words log magic make the best mama manipulation media medicine memories mercola milk mind mind consciousness system mistake moment to moment money morality morning sickness mother mother earth mother matrix motherhood motherhood paranoia movies must mysophobia naked naps National Vaccine Information Center natural Natural Horsemanship natural learning ability nature nausea negative new new baby new mother newborn news night change night feeds no choice no questions no time noam chomsky noise non-stop normal not fair nursing nurturing ob gyn obedience obey offspring omniscient on the go oneness opinions osho pain palevsky paranoia paraphernalia parennting parent parental leave parenthood parenting Parenting & Fairness parents parrots past pattern people's history of the united states perception perfection periods persist pets physical Physical body picture perfect play playful playfulness playground point poison positive positive parenting positive thinking postnatal postpartum postpartum depression postponement potential powder Practical Parenting preconceived ideas pregancy pregnancy pregnant pride principle principled parenting prison privileges probiotics problem process procreation products programming psychology puke purification purity purpose quantum quantum mind race rage rat react reaction reactions reading reality realtime reason record redefining words reflection reflux regret relationship relationships relax relaxin remove repulsed research resent resist resistance resonance respect responsibility rest reward Rhythm right righteousness risk role sand sandpit santa claus scan school screaming screeching seed self appreciation self control self defeat self development self forgiveness self growth self improvement self interest self limitation self limitations self love Self Pity self-change self-empowerment self-expression self-forgiveness self-growth self-help self-honesty self-improvement selfish sensitive separation anxiety settle sex sexuality shame shock siblings signs silent reflux simplicity sins of fathers sleep sleeping sleepless nights slow life smile solution soothe soothing South Africa speech spit up stay at home mom stigmas stomach stress struggle stubborn style subconscious sucks sucks ass suffering suit sunettespies support surgery survival Survivalism survivor swear sweets system taboo take back tame tantrum tantrums teaching teamlife teamlikfe teething Tempo testing kit thinking Thought thoughts throw up time time off tired tiredness toddler toddlerhood toddlers too much torture tough toxic toy toys trade transformation trauma travel travelling treatment treats trust truth tv typical ultra sound unchangeable unconscious unexpected unfair unicorn unnatural unpleasant unstable untruth upbringing update useleless useless utmost potential Vaccination value values veno violation virtual vocabulary vomit vomiting walking example want wanting to be right weak digestive system weight what is it like to have a baby whine whining who you are why wife wild winged word definition words work working mom worry worth writing wrong

Followers

Subscribe and Follow

recent posts

Follow on Bloglovin

footer social

Heaven's journey to life
Heaven's journey to life
Creation's journey to life
Earth
Earth
Instagram

SUBSCRIBE

SUBSCRIBE

Instagram