Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Day 74: No Time for Process – Part 2

Continuing from Day 73: No Time for Process – Part 1:
So then I looked at what it was I was holding on to within wanting to holding on to this approach. The two points that stood out for me was that I felt the need to ‘prepare myself’, which had subtly become a mechanism for postponement. Instead of looking and seeing into reactions directly in the moment, I would react to my reactions and within that believe that I first ‘need some time’ to ‘work this out’ before moving to real-time application and change. The other point was that I was still placing value on ‘what others might think of me’, where I was holding on to having visible ‘proof’ that I am walking/living my process and being able to visibly contribute -- limiting my conception of process within intrinsically tying it to ‘what is visibly done for others to see’ ; and diminishing the aspect of real-time change and application which is only visible for self and one’s immediate environment. So these two dimensions were working nicely together to not have me move myself in the moment but instead long for time to write and ‘do my homework’ so to speakleading to not much of anything happening in the end.

So, since I wasn’t getting to my old way of working with points, I had to find a new way to walk points I was facing and opening up new ones.

I pushed my real-time application by applying Self-Forgiveness out loud whenever a reaction came up. While my hands were generally very busy with taking care of a baby, I could still use my mouth to sound Self-Forgiveness. Initially, I experienced some resistance as I didn’t think I’d be able to open up the points in depth, which is something I had linked to only being possible within writing.

The way I was able to open up points by voicing Self-Forgiveness went actually very smoothly. I would simply go point by point and each time I was finished with one line the next point would naturally open up. While my Self Forgiveness was not yet as specific as how it would have been if it had been written, I ‘got the picture’ in terms of having and seeing the overview of how the pattern/construct plays out much quicker, and would work on the essential points.

Sometimes if the reactions were quite intense or I was overwhelmed by the amount of points that had opened up, I would go for a walk with Cesar and apply Self Forgiveness as we walk so I could focus on just that. Often as I hit a cool point or would ‘round it up’ Cesar would suddenly look me straight in the eyes from his baby carrier, or give me a big gaping smile lol.

When I wasn’t facing any particular new point or reaction, I would play with things like body posture and body movement. Seeing how different postures change how I experience myself inside myself and practicing my self-awareness in relation to my body and body movement. When reading to Cesar or practicing vocabulary/pointing at things or describing what I am doing/what’s happening around us, I’d pay attention to how I voice the words I speak, if there are any charges/reactions/memories to the words and re-voice them until I was clear inside myself.

I’m still playing and practicing all the above mentioned points and found and still find them to be very grounding and stabilising.

While I first believed that being busy with a baby/child all day was ‘distracting’ and keeping me from working with points, I eventually found that it was the complete opposite.

Being and walking with Cesar gives me so much space and time to focus and work on my personal process in ways that I hadn’t conceived to be possible. I get to practice real-time application, correction and awareness every day. I get to re-walk my own childhood as I direct myself to provide him the childhood I wished I could have had. I get to see and understand behaviours my parents displayed towards me when I was a child that I didn’t understand back then, but am now able to put into perspective. I am able to forgive myself for points from my childhood that I didn’t fully understand yet, as well as points from my parents with more clarity and specificity. I am able to really see how much my parents influenced me in shaping myself, my beliefs, my fears and values – and how I can change these to self-supportive patterns for myself and my son.

While parenting is hard, having a child is an immense gift and opens up so many opportunities and possibilities towards self-discovery for self and another as yourself.

Embrace it fully!

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