Monday, February 9, 2015

Day 73: No Time for Process – Part 1

An interesting point I faced early on when Cesar was a newborn – and which would sometimes resurface – was the point of ‘Not having time for Process’.

Before I had Cesar, I had quite some moments where I could sit down and write, work on Mind Constructs and essentially spend time laying things out for myself. With Cesar entering the equation, my schedule changed completely and these moments of time were simply not compatible with how my life turned out.

So what I realised here is that I had created a particular pattern and habit of ‘how I deal with things’ that are process related, and where within this habit creation, I had also limited myself to only working with things one way. Where, I’d have emotions, feelings, thoughts and other mind reactions come up – and if they were ‘new’ and unfamiliar (or if new dimensions of a point would open up) I would set time aside to write them out, lay out what I see in them, work with memories etc. to prepare myself to take them on when they come up next time around. Now, within just having become a mother, I had many of these new/unfamiliar experiences and reactions come up as I found myself in a whole new scenario/situation.

I found myself in a bit of anxiety and stress, because of being so used to having the time and space to write and lay things out for myself. When a point or reaction would open up during the day, I’d constrict within myself, knowing that there would be no time later to ‘work on the point’. Even though there was no time in sight, I was still hoping that I’d get some time or a ‘gap’ somewhere in the near future to be able to evaluate the reactions I had been having. So more and more I was postponing opening up the points as I felt I needed to write about it and I needed to use my DIP tools and that this was the only way I’d get a move on my process.

The time and space to open up the points wasn’t coming and in the meantime the reactions/points were just piling up so that when I did have a moment – I didn’t know where to start. So obviously, this approach was not working as I was seeing the friction build up inside myself. I was blaming my situation in terms of the time I had available, where I was busy round the clock for why I was not able to ‘tend to my process’. Seeing the nature of the thoughts I knew there was a point I had to look at in relation to ‘time’ as the nature of the thoughts was indicating to me an abdication of self-responsibility. So when I practically looked at how I wanted to work/walk the points and what was physically here and what I can actually walk – I saw it was not time that was the problem but the ‘method’ I was insisting on sticking by.

So then I looked at what it was I was holding on to within wanting to holding on to this approach. The two points that stood out for me was that I felt the need to ‘prepare myself’, which had subtly become a mechanism for postponement. Instead of looking and seeing into reactions directly in the moment, I would react to my reactions and within that believe that I first ‘need some time’ to ‘work this out’ before moving to real-time application and change. The other point was that I was still placing value on ‘what others might think of me’, where I was holding on to having visible ‘proof’ that I am walking/living my process and being able to visibly contribute -- limiting my conception of process within intrinsically tying it to ‘what is visibly done for others to see’ ; and diminishing the aspect of real-time change and application which is only visible for self and one’s immediate environment. So these two dimensions were working nicely together to not have me move myself in the moment but instead long for time to write and ‘do my homework’ so to speak – leading to not much of anything happening in the end.

To be continued

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