Journey to a New Life

Continuing from Day 73: No Time for Process – Part 1:
So then I looked at what it was I was holding on to within wanting to holding on to this approach. The two points that stood out for me was that I felt the need to ‘prepare myself’, which had subtly become a mechanism for postponement. Instead of looking and seeing into reactions directly in the moment, I would react to my reactions and within that believe that I first ‘need some time’ to ‘work this out’ before moving to real-time application and change. The other point was that I was still placing value on ‘what others might think of me’, where I was holding on to having visible ‘proof’ that I am walking/living my process and being able to visibly contribute -- limiting my conception of process within intrinsically tying it to ‘what is visibly done for others to see’ ; and diminishing the aspect of real-time change and application which is only visible for self and one’s immediate environment. So these two dimensions were working nicely together to not have me move myself in the moment but instead long for time to write and ‘do my homework’ so to speak – leading to not much of anything happening in the end.

So, since I wasn’t getting to my old way of working with points, I had to find a new way to walk points I was facing and opening up new ones.

I pushed my real-time application by applying Self-Forgiveness out loud whenever a reaction came up. While my hands were generally very busy with taking care of a baby, I could still use my mouth to sound Self-Forgiveness. Initially, I experienced some resistance as I didn’t think I’d be able to open up the points in depth, which is something I had linked to only being possible within writing.

The way I was able to open up points by voicing Self-Forgiveness went actually very smoothly. I would simply go point by point and each time I was finished with one line the next point would naturally open up. While my Self Forgiveness was not yet as specific as how it would have been if it had been written, I ‘got the picture’ in terms of having and seeing the overview of how the pattern/construct plays out much quicker, and would work on the essential points.

Sometimes if the reactions were quite intense or I was overwhelmed by the amount of points that had opened up, I would go for a walk with Cesar and apply Self Forgiveness as we walk so I could focus on just that. Often as I hit a cool point or would ‘round it up’ Cesar would suddenly look me straight in the eyes from his baby carrier, or give me a big gaping smile lol.

When I wasn’t facing any particular new point or reaction, I would play with things like body posture and body movement. Seeing how different postures change how I experience myself inside myself and practicing my self-awareness in relation to my body and body movement. When reading to Cesar or practicing vocabulary/pointing at things or describing what I am doing/what’s happening around us, I’d pay attention to how I voice the words I speak, if there are any charges/reactions/memories to the words and re-voice them until I was clear inside myself.

I’m still playing and practicing all the above mentioned points and found and still find them to be very grounding and stabilising.

While I first believed that being busy with a baby/child all day was ‘distracting’ and keeping me from working with points, I eventually found that it was the complete opposite.

Being and walking with Cesar gives me so much space and time to focus and work on my personal process in ways that I hadn’t conceived to be possible. I get to practice real-time application, correction and awareness every day. I get to re-walk my own childhood as I direct myself to provide him the childhood I wished I could have had. I get to see and understand behaviours my parents displayed towards me when I was a child that I didn’t understand back then, but am now able to put into perspective. I am able to forgive myself for points from my childhood that I didn’t fully understand yet, as well as points from my parents with more clarity and specificity. I am able to really see how much my parents influenced me in shaping myself, my beliefs, my fears and values – and how I can change these to self-supportive patterns for myself and my son.

While parenting is hard, having a child is an immense gift and opens up so many opportunities and possibilities towards self-discovery for self and another as yourself.

Embrace it fully!

This blog is a continuation and extension of:




When I first found out that I was pregnant and was going to have a child in the near future – my eyes went wide open at the thought of "I am going to be a mother”.

I hadn’t really looked at or contemplated the point of being/becoming a mother or investigated what it really means to ‘be a mother’. So when I looked at the point of ‘being a mother’, I was still looking and accessing an idea/construct outside of myself where ‘being a mother’ means ‘so and so’ and ‘mothers do this and that’ where being a mother was like pulling on a suit/playing a character with a set script; and where I was essentially looking at becoming this other person because I don’t really know what to do with a child/baby, but this ‘mother character’ does!

So with being faced with the new point and stepping into the unknown – I immediately accessed a point of having no self-trust. Where I am aware that I am stepping into something new, fear that I will ‘not get it right’/make mistakes – immediately lose all trust within myself and reach outside of myself for a structure/direction to ‘tell me what to do’.

I didn’t yet see and realise that nothing was really changing. I mean, yes, things were changing in that my physical reality was going to be a whole lot different and my responsibilities would need to adapt to this new situation – but in terms of ‘who I was’ and ‘who I was going to be required to be’ – this would not need to change, as I would be taking the principles I stand by and work with into this new journey, and these principles = don’t change. So when I was looking at having to become this ‘whole other person’, this ‘mother’ – I for a moment completely abandoned my principles and was looking for someone/something outside of myself to prescribe my behaviour and how to go about this new situation, instead of simply trusting myself and walking the process moment by moment and falling back on my principles to ascertain for myself ‘what to do’ whenever a question would arise.

I then as I was pregnant worked with my ideas and beliefs around ‘being a mother’ so that I would be able to remove as much “disinformation” as I could for myself before actually being a mother, so that when the time comes, I would then be able to see more clearly what to do/how to approach things without these ideas/beliefs influencing my approach.

Here are some blogs I wrote at that stage in relation to my ideas/beliefs/memories connected to ‘being a mother’:

This is a continuation to:
Day 38: Introduction | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 41: The Innocence of One Little Tiny Thought | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 42: Losing Touch with Reality, Losing Touch with your Child | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 43: And the Race Begins! | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 44: Sins of the Fathers and Mission of the Mothers | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 45: Wanting to be Right | Motherhood Paranoia 

So now, we have this design running where we have to keep procreating, and we women have this design running where we think we know how to run this procreation thing and raise respectable human beings – which by the looks of how this world is being ran: is obviously a joke; nothing can more clearly say *you are wrong* and *you don’t know how to raise a human being* when looking at the absolute vicious, cruel, degrading conditions this world is kept in.

So why are we still doing this?

Why are we still having children?

Everything is survival based – whether you are rich or whether you are poor. If you are poor, you are lost in the survival for physical subsistence, and if you’re rich you get lost in the clutches of your own mind, mental illness is everywhere in first world countries.

Everyone’s lives pretty much suck, yet we keep having children and passing down the consequences of our recklessness to them and their generations to come. Things aren’t getting better – so why?

If there was no way out of this, and things would just continue as is: I would not have children.

But there is a way out of this, and the way out of it is ‘out of us’, out of our accepted and allowed human nature. To change it, align it – to one that acts according to what’s Best for All. To teach this principle to our children, to lead them by example; to show them that there is another way, that we can have Heaven on Earth.

Otherwise, what’s the point? Is it so that we can for a short moment during our lives be happy about the idea that ‘I had a family’? So that they can live through more wars to come? So that they can grow up to become irresponsible adults who hasten the Earth’s demise? So that they can live their lives locked up in their own homes, in fear of their own neighbours? So they can enjoy our polluted air and withering nature? So that they can have their own children who will have to endure even worse conditions?

We have to admit, that we’ve failed, we FAILED BIG TIME in the parenting department. It’s time to face the facts; let go of righteousness, to forgive and to correct. So that we don’t just ‘reproduce’ ourselves, we already know where that leads and it’s a disaster – but to truly procreate – to truly bring forth something new, something worthwhile.

The tools are available

http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://desteni.org/
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com 
http://livingincome.me/
https://eqafe.com/