Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Day 21: 11 Weeks Update
So while I am feeling better in that area, I have now started noticing that I am getting more uncomfortable in sitting and lying positions. If I am in a particular position for a while my joints start hurting and I have to regularly put myself in a different position until that one is uncomfortable and then move to the next.
I may also possibly be more hungry lol.
I have been hypermobile my whole life, where my joints are more flexible than 'normal', which when I was a kid and still growing and during my teenage years as well, would give me similar discomfort and I would injure my fairly easily. While I haven't injured myself, the discomfort is very familiar but at least I know I can deal with that because I've done so before lol.
(During pregnancy your body starts producing a hormone 'relaxin' which makes all your joints and ligaments 'more loose' in preparation of giving birth)
With the nausea disappearing I am also finding myself to being able to stay awake for longer and not taking so many naps anymore. This is quite handy because I have exams coming my way and need all the time I can use.
We've in the meantime also checked out a hospital a lot of people recommended and were quite satisfied when we went to visit it.
Now that I am in my exam period here, the points I am facing are mostly fear and stress in relation to the exams and pregnancy points are not so dominant at the moment. I already had two exam nightmares in a row, waking up in a sweat in my bed in the morning. I'll see how it goes tonight lol.
So I will probably take on this exam point in my Leila's Journey to Life blog while my focus is shifted to studying.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Day 20: Is Complete Self-Change Possible? (Part Four)
When and as I see myself access the belief that I need a reason outside of myself to move me to change -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that as long as I accept and allowed myself to be the one that is moved instead of being the mover I will always be in a position of dependency where something or someone else will have power over me because I have given my power away. I commit myself to take my power back and move me for me from a starting point of self-respect and self-value
When and as I see myself access the belief that 'I am all that I can ever be' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am accepting and allowing myself to use this as an excuse to stop moving and pushing and so I commit myself to remind myself of those moments/instances where I believed I could not change/overcome a point but did anyway -- and remind myself that it only takes one point of change to show that change is possible
When and as I see myself access the belief that I can't change and so shouldn't bother trying -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that within this I am really just saying 'I don't want to change' but am dressing it up in a more 'palatable' way for myself. I commit myself to stop the charade and identify what point(s) of resistance I am facing causing me to come up with stories as to not face them and commit myself to work through them
When and as I see myself believing that I am stuck on a point and that I can't change / push / move through this -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am making up excuses as to why I shouldn't even try changing and so I commit myself to stop and make sure that I am using all the tools available to me to assist and support myself within moving through a difficult point
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Day 19: Is Complete Self-Change Possible? (Part Three)
When and as I see myself looking at particular points/limitations in my reality and think that I am unable too handle them / that they are too big / too integrated / too far gone -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that these points/limitations did not just 'happen' to me, but that a process of creation and participation on my part took place in order to manifest these points/limitations within myself /my reality thus I commit myself to acknowledge my that if I can put them in place, I can remove them as well -- equal and one -- and I commit myself to the removal of self -limitations until it is done
When and as I see myself looking at points within myself which I deem 'too big to face' and tell myself that 'Í will just have to manage' or 'what is the point / why bother' where there is a form of giving up on myself -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am playing the game of 'giving up before I have even started' where I do not even give myself the chance/opportunity to work through a point so that I do not have to face/walk the process of undoing the point and thus not face any stumbling blocks on the way where I may respond in disappointment/self-judgment/failure and thus rather 'give up right away'. I commit myself to trust myself and have the faith to walk any point to completion no matter how impossible it may seem
When and as I see myself access the belief that there are 'limits to change' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is merely a handy self-sabotage line that permits me to justify why I am not going my damnest best to push myself for complete and total self-change - and leave me to wallow within self-limitation. I commit myself to stop right then and there and to re-establish my self-commitment and self-motivation within the determination and trust that I can do this
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Day 18: Is Complete Self-Change Possible? (Part Two)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved to change myself for the sake of another -- and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have moved myself for the sake of me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been okay with my own self-limitation -- where I did not want to be bothered to change for myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain my own self-limitation because I 'didn't see a reason why'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have set myself up to require a reason outside myself for me to move for change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditionalized change within needing/requiring/wanting a reason outside of myself to move me to change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have made 'myself' an insufficient reason for change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-change for the sake of self is not worth it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am all that I can ever be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is no point in trying to change myself within believing that 'it's not going to work out anyway'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given in to the belief that I can't change so I shouldn't bother trying
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all I'll ever be is fear
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that fear is too much and too big to transcend
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to hold myself back and truly test the limits of change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have made the fullest use of the tools available to myself in order to truly test whether total and complete change is possible and within this I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to have used all the tools available to me to its fullest to eradicate all fear within and as me as an act of self-love and self-appreciation
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Day 17: Is Complete Self-Change Possible?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved to change myself within the knowledge that if I don't someone else will copy over my limitations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be moved only because I don't want someone else's limitations "on my conscious"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within this be 'okay' with having my own limitations "on my conscious"
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become comfortable within my own limitations
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forgotten and 'given up' on myself in relation to certain points in my (mind) reality, wherein I participated in the belief that 'I can't change this' or that 'I'm too far gone with this point'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have labelled points that I have faced within my process as 'face-able' and 'non-face-able' -- wherein points categorized in the latter are points I perceive that are just 'too big' and 'too much a part of me' to change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given up on those points which I deemed as 'too big' and 'too integrated' -- believing that this points are here to stay and 'I will just have to manage'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have faith in total and complete change as every fibre of one's being
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people can change, but can only up to a point -- where one's core, very nature of a being will still/always remain the same
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have pushed or questioned what I believe to be 'my very nature' where I experience this as being so ingrained and so automated
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can 'only push so much' and 'can only push so far'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are limits to change
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to shake this belief, only now that there is a 'third party' involved
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Day 16: Living for Others
Children are the reflections of one's parents - and when I look at myself/my reflection -- I wouldn't want someone else to have to become like me. So then I go, well fuck I have a lot of shit that I better get to changing - so that this kid doesn't have to bear the consequences of my limitations. And then I am quiet for a moment and then I realise how screwed my reasoning pattern is. Because here I am, contemplating change - but only after considering someone else, only within the context of changing for someone else.
And then there is sadness, because I see how I was willing to live as a limited version of myself -- and how my reactions and limitations weren't so alarming when there was no-one else but me in the picture. So this implies no self-movement, no self-love, no self-care whatsoever. (Interesting, as I was typing this last sentence, I was biting my bottom lip - no 'self-giving').
And now that there is someone else to consider -- now there is movement. So this is quite problematic because I am only now willing to consider moving beyond my comfort zone for the sake of someone else, which would indicate that there's been a misalignment in my starting point within and towards process, and myself.
So this is a point I want to take on within my next blogs to correct my starting point and not fall for the trap of living for and through others.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Day 15: It's a Peanut!
The baby looked very tiny -- it is maybe 3 cms long at the moment, and looks like a peanut. We could see a little heart beat on the screen, and it was beating very quickly (compared to full grown person lol), at 170 beats per minute. She then also let us hear the heart very loudly in the room.
It was quite an experience to see this little being and hear its hard working heart. It must be quite a story to run that little body and getting all the various parts of the body in place.
Looking at the scan, the doctor put us at 9 weeks and 5 days (so 6 days now). Otherwise all the indicators are normal and we go for another check up after my exams.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Day 14: Pregnancy and Birth: It's All Natural!
What else have I noticed….
Oh, I haven’t been able to handle hot weather as well I used to. I get hotter quicker and if it’s really hot and sunny I start feeling sick after a short while.
Some activities are also more intense. Like, trimming Charlie’s hooves used to be hard work but that was it. Now it’s hard work and it has become cardio, where soon after I start my heart starts beating faster and I start sweating quicker.
Can’t say that I am not looking forward towards the 12 week benchmark after which the morning sickness is supposed to subside.
Being pregnant really puts ‘pregnancy’ into a whole new perspective lol. It takes a lot to make someone new. I can’t believe that my own mom went through this process 3 times!!
I’m now also reading less on pregnancy and birth because it also just makes me feel more nauseous lol. Most of the magazines are on the one side full about the dangers of pregnancy and birth and then on the other side they are trying to ‘keep you positive’ and ‘look at the bright side of things’ and then bombard you with baby related advertisement of stuff so you can distract and entertain yourself with all the ‘fun stuff’ you can buy once you have a baby, so you can for a moment forget about the harsh reality of pregnancy and giving birth.
I mostly just keep to this one book I bought myself, which lays out the pregnancy process week by week and isn’t trying to scare you one page and then trying to make you happy on the other. It just gives you the info in a very sober matter and that’s that.
There’s also like a whole cultish vibe around the whole pregnancy and giving birth thing – like it is some amazing experience which is “completely natural”. That point just keeeeps coming up “it’s natural”. Like just because we are designed to give birth in this particular way and not another – this is ‘the way’ to give birth and you shouldn’t worry or question it because it’s “natural” it’s how “mother nature designed us”. Especially when you read child birth stories, the people don’t like to go into how the pain was and how they experienced themselves as they tore while giving birth – they quickly like to get to the end part of how wonderful it is to have your baby in your arms and ‘yes there’s some pain but the process is COMPLETELY NATURAL’ and ‘it’s just something you have to go through’. It’s like there’s this whole belief that because we give birth this way that it MUST be the RIGHT way – and that if there was a better way, well then nature would have designed it differently.
So no-one questions the whole process, just like no-one questions ‘periods’ because it’s aaaaalll soooo “natural” – just accept the pain and suffering and be quiet about it. This whole ‘natural’ thing is really quite stupid. You just have to watch some series like ‘Life’ and ‘Planet Earth’ to see that ‘natural’ isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. There’s animals eating each other alive, there’s bugs laying eggs in other animals and when they hatch they eat the animal alive, there’s parasites that can only survive in the eyes of other beings,... and the list goes on. There’s some really evil designs in this world, in what we call ‘natural’. Just because something is ‘natural’ does not mean it’s the best way it could have possibly been.
Coming from a Destonian background and having gone through the History of Mankind files – you can see how some stuff just has been deliberately messed with.
And no-one wants to really talk and share about the real nasty stuff that happens during pregnancy and child birth, because c’mon, this is your child that you’re talking about, you don’t want to give them the impression bringing them into this world was unpleasant! That’s just mean… So then no-one talks about it and then your whole life you’re pretty much clueless about pregnancy until it happens to you and then BAM your bubble bursts. It’s kind of like when you found out that Santa doesn’t exist – just another fantasy bubble being popped.
Friday, April 12, 2013
Day 13: Fear of Becoming My Mother - Part Two
When and as I see myself attach and access an experience of 'coldness' in relation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that this is not a necessary characteristic of the word 'mother', but one I assigned to it. I commit myself to let go of the reaction/experience within the realisation that I am the one who decides what definition a word carries
When and as I see myself having an image of an 'ice queen' pop up in relation to the word 'Mother', I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing connections based on past experiences which do not need to have any relevance to the practical living of the word 'mother' and so I commit myself to delete/stop the image and ground myself within my human physical body
When and as I see myself access the belief/judgment that the word 'mother' is bad or 'evil' -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely reacting based on emotionally charged memories from the past and so I commit myself to clear myself within and as breath
When and as I see myself having an image of a rigid old lady with a prune face pop-up in relation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I am merely accessing an image based on an interpretation of the word 'mother' based on past experiences. I commit myself to delete the image and let go of the experience and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself belief that my reactions and feelings about a particular word are 'real' in terms of believing that my reactions and feelings are what the word is and consists of -- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that the reactions and experiences are merely the product of accumulation of memory and associations and so I commit myself to let go, breathe and investigate what I want a particular word to be
When and as I see myself connect/attach a judge-like connotation to the word 'mother'-- I stop and I breathe -- I see and realise that I have connected these two points based on my experience of the word mother -- but that I do not have to live the word 'mother' this way. I commit myself to let go of the reaction and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself connect an image of my mother’s caring yet fearful face to the word ‘mother’ as well as the belief that ‘being a mother is living in fear’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not require to live by this idea/belief and that there is another way of being a ‘mother’ other than that which I personally experienced and so I commit myself to delete the image/belief and trust myself to be able to live by a definition of mother that I can stand by / endorse
When and as I see myself connect the word ‘burden’ to the word ‘mother’ within a negative energy connotation – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am merely accessing past memories and images of my own mother to the word ‘mother’ to ‘fill it up’ and give it content and so I commit myself to breathe and let go of this association
When and as I see myself having an image of my mother sitting in the couch looking all tired/exhausted come up, in relation to the word mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to hold on to this memory as I see and realize that I do not need to repeat the past. I commit myself to breathe, let go and ground myself within and as my human physical body
When and as I see myself access the belief that a mother should ‘know it all’ within ‘being an adult’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to pretend to know it all when I know that I do not know it all because that’s just lying to myself lol and so I commit myself to let go of this belief
When and as I see myself connect the world ‘control’ to the word ‘mother’ – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that control is often utilized by parents because they have not yet investigated for themselves how things can be done within common sense and then resort to fear tactics to control one’s children. I commit myself to let go of the control connotation and trust myself that I can do without
When and as I see myself react to the word ‘mother’ within the belief that I have to now become this persona/role as all the attachments and ideas I have created about ‘what it means to be a mother’ based on my personal relationship with my mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I do not have to do this and that I do not have to walk the same role as how mother’s currently are as there is another way. I commit myself to decide for myself what kind of mother I want to be within standing as an example of what it means to live one’s life with honour and integrity towards Life and a Consideration for what is Best for All
When and as I see myself fearing becoming my own mother – I stop and I breathe – I see and realize that I am lucky to have been given and taught the tools of Self Forgiveness and Self Change and that within using these tools I can script my own path to parenthood as what I want to live by and so I commit myself to let go of the fear and embrace the tools I have and walk my process of self-perfection
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