Journey to a New Life

One of the first points I faced with Cesar that I knew I had to deal with – was reacting to him crying.
In the beginning he didn’t cry much – but the reactions inside myself were obvious, and I knew that this was just going to be the beginning. Because when a baby cries and you react, every second that you hear the baby cry – the reaction just compounds and compounds and compounds – where you either pop to release the energy of the reaction, or where you suppress it to let it come out in other ways later.

I experienced both, where at some point all the crying was getting to me that I just cried with him lol. I first just got angry because I didn’t know what to do and then just felt powerless/helpless at which point I just cried it all out. This was when he cried really intensely for a long time.

Then I remember that he had some short cries, but frequently throughout the day/night. It didn’t hit as ‘hard’ because of the short duration, but it was as if with each cry I was getting ‘buzzed’ – but since it was so short, I didn’t think much of it and “let it go”. Then after a while of on and off crying – I found myself thinking ‘I am not going to check up on you now, I am tired of this’ when he would cry again. And I mean, it was weird because I was finding myself in this weird icky, mean mood when I was thinking this and deciding to just leave him instead of going to him. And then when I check where this was coming from, it was basically from a sense of ‘wanting payback’ like ‘you know what you did to me, now you take that’. And then I asked myself: Seriously? You want this little baby ‘to pay’ for what ‘he did to me’? I mean he didn’t do anything really. He’s uncomfortable – he’s expressing his discomfort in the only way he knows: crying. I am the one reacting to the crying, I am the one generating the experience of negativity in relation to the crying, I am the one creating the sensation that ‘I am tired of this’. He’s not doing anything ‘to me’ – this is just freaking unacceptable. And then I cried, but that was more because of the shame of the monster I had just allowed myself to become than reacting to his cries.

So here I saw how easy it would be to react to a baby crying, where you just suppress what you experience and then later do little mean things to your baby ‘to get back at him’ without you really knowing why you’re doing it. And with ‘mean things’ – I am referring to quite a broad spectrum of ‘meanness’ because for instance not being very considerate when changing his diaper or when you are changing his clothes where you are kind of rushing it to just ‘get it done’ could be one of those little points that are ‘seemingly innocent’ – but where if you trace back the internal steps behind that action, it’s actually coming from a point of payback.

So several nights in a row I applied Self Forgiveness on my reactions. I started with the immediate reactions as the experience that would run through my solar plexus as a form of anxiety and then went into memories of myself where I found myself in situations where crying was present, either me crying or someone else and how other people had responded to this which formed the basis of my ‘opinion’/relationship towards crying and how I would respond/react to it later in life.

The main memory the stood out for me was a memory of me crying on the street next to my mother. She told me to ‘stop it’ and that ‘look, everyone’s watching you!!’. I remember looking around and no-one was really watching me / interested in what was going on with us. What ‘struck’ me the most – quite literally – was my mother’s panic. It was like electric sparks of fear and anxiety within a general sense of ‘not knowing what to do’ that was flickering off of her unto me– and this was now the exact same experience I found myself having when Cesar would cry – and generally the thought pattern that was paired with it was ‘what will other people think of me and him when he’s crying’ and ‘I don’t know what to do’. So I could see how I had effectively internalized that memory, that experience with my mother and used it form an energetic relationship to the point of crying and had become my mother in that aspect.

It’s quite interesting how we find ourselves in these moments, experiencing ourselves a particular way and then believe that ‘this experience is me’, ‘this experience is genuine’ – and not at all question where this experience comes from, but just accept it as ‘this is me’. While all the while, you’re just playing out an experience you picked up somewhere long time ago, where in a single moment you established a link, a connection – without even being aware of it, and then filed it away for future use. And then when the file as the memory and the connection that was established gets used in a ‘suitable setting’ – it’s as if it’s ‘a brand new experience’ that just ‘came out of nowhere’.

Anyway - I would say that the most important point to remember and remind yourself of when you find that you are reacting – that it is you reacting. The baby is not doing anything to you, he’s just communicating with you in the only way he knows: crying. Sure, it’s not pleasant that the baby is crying, and really the person for whom it’s most unpleasant is the baby itself – otherwise he wouldn’t be crying – but by reacting to the baby crying you are only turning an unfortunate situation into something really unpleasant, by your own doing.

And I mean, crying doesn’t have to be ‘a bad thing’ or something that ‘must be avoided at all cost’ or ‘must be remediated ’. Crying can just be a point of physical expression, a nice way to just ‘let it all out’ and way of releasing physical pressure/strain.

If you’re always going to react within a point of negativity towards your baby crying, the baby’s soon going to figure out that crying is ‘disliked’ no matter why you cry, which later in life can become a point of suppression where you’ve now incorporated crying into your morality system and not allow yourself to go there because ‘it’s bad’/’wrong’.

So the simplest and best way to go about it, for your baby and yourself – is to take responsibility for your experience, get a grip on it and direct yourself in those moments that you are reacting to your baby. Just within practicing this one point over and over, each time as your baby cries – you are showing your baby that you are able to change from mind reaction to self-direction here – so that when it does happen that your baby cries out of a point of reaction – now or later when he/she’s older -- you are already showing and teaching him by example that ‘it doesn’t have to be this way’ and that self is actually able to direct oneself in such situations to a point of stability and hereness. But unless you yourself practice this movement of change and direct yourself out of the mind, your baby/child has no reason to stop crying if the crying is coming from a point of reaction, and things will just escalate as your reactions will feed the baby’s reaction and vice versa.

At the same time I would also suggest to be careful and attentive to who you are and how you move yourself in moments where you hear that your baby starts crying, where it is easy to go into an 'alert'-reaction from which you then rush yourself to the baby to quickly pick him up and tend to him. Here if you allow yourself to go into this response-pattern, the baby learns that crying =  parent comes to me quickly -- which can then be integrated as a manipulation technique later on. So instead of suddenly rushing and moving faster, to just take note of the baby crying and move to the baby at the same pace you were already doing things/walking your day, being consistent, stable within yourself -- so that the baby learns that crying does not trigger any particular energetic response pattern in you which gets you to go into 'acceleration' to give the baby attention.

So there is both a negative and positive reaction pattern to be aware of, where you can either respond negatively to your baby where you don't want him to cry, or where you can respond positively by quickly wanting to show your baby some love -- where either of these can have repercussions in how the baby develops and what kind of relationship the baby creates around the point of crying.

The interview below gives some cool insights and perspectives one may not have considered in terms of why babies cry, and is definitely a must if you have a baby yourself or find yourself in the presence of one.

Crying Babies - Perfecting the Human Race - Parenting - Part 35

Why do we tend to react to the sound of babies’ cries? Why was the sound of babies’ cries not pre-programmed in the Mind and how does this contribute to us reacting to their cries? How are memories involved with contributing to us reacting to babies’ cries? How can we assist and support ourselves to remain stable and not react to babies’ cries?

Just when we thought that the worst had passed within gotten to a point where the reflux was now under control within having stabilized his body with homeopathic treatment and having removed diary from diet – colic came knocking down our door. This was around 6-8 weeks.

Colic is a word you hear and read a lot about when you have a baby, yet at the same time it’s one of the vaguest concepts out there in baby world.

Here’s a somewhat ‘official’ definition of colic to illustrate my point:

‘episodes of crying for more than three hours a day for more than three days a week for three weeks in an otherwise healthy child between the ages of two weeks and four months’

So now that the reflux set itself aside, Cesar suddenly started crying for hours on end. In the first few weeks of his life, he didn’t cry much. He only cried when he was hungry or was a bit uncomfortable in terms of how his body was positioned but otherwise he was a quiet baby. So for him to suddenly start crying hours on end to no relief was quite odd.

When he would start these crying sessions I would just hold him and walk him as this seemed to assist him to gain some stability. After an hour or so of carrying and rocking him, I would hand him over to Gian, Maite or LJ – and so we would take shifts carrying him and holding him until he would fall asleep.

During this time, there would be days that he would not sleep during the day but then be knocked out at night. The one time he even slept for only 6-7 hours in a 24 hour period, where he had one 3 hour stretch and then a bunch of 20-30 min catnaps.

Nighttime was my research time, when I would breastfeed him, I would do research on the internet on my tablet which just fit next to him on the breastfeeding pillow and inform myself on all there is to know about babies and reading up on other parents’ experiences. Looking at how Cesar had been behaving and the research I had done, I decided that I wanted to try giving him probiotics to assist with his digestive system which was still busy kick-starting. After about three days of giving him probiotics suitable for babies, the extensive crying sessions ceased and he seemed a lot more comfortable within his body and we haven’t had such crying sessions since.

It’s quite interesting to see how doctors give things names without really having a clue what it exactly entails. They just label some behavior with a particular name without having any idea what the cause is and what correction needs to take place. In terms of the colic point it’s pretty stupid, because I mean, the only way babies can communicate in the early stages is through crying – and when they’re in a lot of pain and discomfort, well all they can do is cry a lot to express this / let it out. So when you are told that ‘your baby has colic/is colicky’, you’re basically just being told “oh your baby cries a lot and we don’t know why”.

From what I have read up on, different babies display colicky behavior for different reasons – and it’s quite a story to pinpoint exactly what the point is which needs to be addressed and re-aligned.

I think we’ve just come up with the name ‘colic’ so that we can give behavior that we cannot explain a name, to make it seem as if we can explain it. So that when you don’t know what the hell is going on with your baby and he is crying a lot, you can just tell yourself that ‘oh he is colic’ and not feel completely ‘out of control’ so to speak. And I mean, labeling excessive crying behavior with a name as if it’s some medical condition – and then saying that you don’t know where it comes from or what to do about it – immediately gives a message to parents that they don’t need to look further or investigate this behavior because: we already know there’s nothing you can do about it.

It keeps amazing me how little we really know about babies and their development. I thought, you know, living in 2014 and all – that after centuries and centuries of baby rearing as one of the most basic activities there is within the context of the family unit being the cornerstone of society – that we’d be pretty baby savvy. But nope – almost every single point I look up, whether it’s a behavior point such as the colic or a physical point such as say cradle cap – the answer is ‘we don’t know – but we think it might be so and so’. And that sentence just keeps popping up over and over ‘we don’t know’ followed by an opinion and then making it seem like that opinion is fact.

During the first weeks, maybe even first two months – all I did was reading up on things, because it was clear that there was no consensus whatsoever on anything. What was clear however, was that there were definitive ‘camps’ – where you had particular parenting styles / opinions that were very prominent, and that depending on who you are talking to and what ‘camp’ they’re from – you’ll get a different answer, one that fits in with their parenting beliefs. And it kind of sucks, because when you go see a professional like say a pediatrician – you trust their assessment because you believe that their recommendations are based on their medical expertise and they act like it too – while actually they’re coming from their own belief systems. Whenever we would go for our check up with Cesar, I’d listen and consider what the pediatrician was saying but made sure to cross-reference with other sources and then decide whether or not to follow up on her advice/prescriptions or not.

So even though we live in the Age of Information, we actually don’t know shit.

One night, somewhere in the second week of his life, Gian and I both woke up at the same time and heard strange noise coming from Cesar in his cot. Since my cut was still hurting making me slow – I just told him to “GO!”. He ran out of the bed towards Cesar and turned up the light. Milk was pouring out of his nose and mouth and he was busy choking on it. Then Gian grabbed Cesar and turned him around and held him by his tummy so his legs and arms were hanging down. As Gian was busy describing the situation I got up and made my way to the cot as well to show Gian how to hold Cesar and pat him on the back to get everything out. Gian asked what was going on and I explained to him that he was probably refluxing. Then Gian put him down in a sitting position and then it became clear that he was still not able to breathe upon which Gian went and sucked his nose empty. He could breathe now, though there was still some milk stuck, so I told Gian to get the nasal aspirator – which I described to him what it looks like because he didn’t know what it was and I didn’t know the name back then – and then we cleared out the final bits. Once he was all cleaned up and his mouth and nose were free – he immediately looked totally fine. While he was choking he looked a bit shocked and he was crying as he patted and cleaned out his nose, but once it was over, it was over and he just sat there looking at us, and then started sucking his fist going “Ok now feed me!!if” So then I fed him and he was fine.

While everything was happening, everything went really fast and I did not have much time to think. Though at some point when I saw his face and how he was not able to breathe and choking the one thought came through which was “Oh no what if he dies” – which brought a surge of fear with it. I was able to put the fear aside while handling Cesar with Gian and direct the situation, but then when all was done and we all went back to sleep – I was just lying there filled with anxiety, worrying whether it would happen again. Each time I would hear a noise and it was just him waking up for a feed I felt relieved. While breastfeeding him I applied Self Forgiveness and when I went back to bed I continued with Self Forgiveness there until I eventually at some point fell asleep. The next day I was still in tension of ‘what if it happens again’ and ‘what if it happens again and I don’t wake up / am not here?’

I talked to Sunette and she said there were still some fear points so I continued applying Self Forgiveness throughout the day. There was then still a point, but this she said would be a point to be tested in realtime, where I would only be able to transcend this point if I face a similar situation and walk the correction. He did not reflux that ‘bad’ anymore but now the point of reflux had become more prominent and showing to be a point of discomfort after every feed. Basically, the little flap between the stomach and their esophagus is not yet completely developed and so it is easy for stomach contents to come back up, especially right after a feed when their stomachs are full and you lay them down on their backs.

Now, we had to adjust our routine of feeding, burping, changing and back to feeding to feeding, burping, keep him in upright position for 30 min, to changing, to feeding lol. So now the little time I had had available between feeds had again become smaller. I had done some research on the reflux point during my breastfeeding times and found that conventional treatments given by doctors were not actually cool, as they would mostly prescribe medicine that would neutralize their stomach acid, or make the stomach make less acid – where the rational is ‘if there’s no acid to come up well then there’s no problem’. The thing is that you have acid in your stomach for a reason, and I read many testimonies where babies’ digestive systems had gotten completely compromised – some even for up to a year or longer – by taking such treatment. By targeting the acid, the whole ‘assembly line’ of your digestive system gets compromised - So instead, I opted for homeopathic treatment* which sorted out the problem after a short while and I also took out dairy out of my diet. This is because a cow protein sensitivity could also spike reflux episodes in him, which later got confirmed when I brought diary back into my diet so now I am leaving it out and will test it again when he’s on solids.

It's such a silly design for babies, to have been in the womb for 9 months and then come out with an inadequate digestive system which makes them suffer. Because each time the food comes back up, acid also comes back up which starts to hurt. The baby might then want to eat again just to ease the pain but just ends up refluxing again! Each time I would put him down on his back he would start crying and arching his back -- sometimes even after having held him upright for 30 minutes. Most of the time -- he was just being miserable. Simply things like passing stools and farts was a whole mission and you could see him squirm and push like he was having a real work out, just to get it out. Sometimes it was so hard and painful that this also brought him to tears. Being a baby all in all -- especially in the newborn days -- is no happy ride.


The following interview was done after this event and gives cool insights in terms of what plays out on an interdimensional level when a baby experiences a trauma such as the reflux event we experienced and how parents can assist the baby and themselves to prevent any unnecessary consequence from manifesting.

Traumas from Nature - Perfecting the Human Race - Parenting - Part 33

 

What kinds of physical memories manifest into the body of a baby when it is exposed to a ‘natural physical trauma’ such as having difficulty breathing? What does the baby do on an interdimensional-physical level when its body is going through a ‘natural physical trauma’? How do these physical memories change the body, and how does this change contribute to the mind and to the production of emotional energy later in life?

*I used a homeopathic powder Magen pulv and Nat Phos tissue salts