Sunday, September 13, 2015
Day 90: Parenting and a Living Income Guaranteed
How does the lack of parental economic support affect our societies? How would Parenting change in a society where our basic needs are guaranteed as a Human Right? What effects will securing the livelihood of mothers and fathers bring to our society at large? What needs to change in society and economics to make parenting a successful and satisfying part of our lives and those of our children?
Join us in our discussion with Equal Life Foundation’s very own Leila Zamora Moreno & Gian Robberts, sharing their perspectives and experiences thus far in relation to parenting and how we can change the ways it is lived to build a world that is best for all.
You are welcome to place comments and questions for Leila & Gian in the comment section of this video.
You are welcome to place comments and questions for Leila & Gian in the comment section of this video.
Hosted by: Marlen Vargas Del Razo
Tuesday, September 8, 2015
Day 89: What you Say is what you Get
Made my own meme with one of Cesar's epic facial expressions
that just say it all
that just say it all
The first thing I noticed which would make things, well ‘difficult’, is that I was trying to be nice to him. This was because I was coming from a point of wanting to avoid conflict – or rather – wanting to avoid my own internal reactions when conflict would ensue; and thought that ‘being nice’ would make it easier to avoid this.
#FAIL!!!
For instance, one of the things Cesar dreaded for the longest time was diaper changes, and it sometimes would turn out to be quite a mission to get it done. So if I would see that he needed a diaper change, I would put on a sweet voice and say ‘Shall we give you a diaper change?’, ‘Do you want a diaper change?’.
A rough translation of his behaviour into words would be something like this: F**k You.
Then I’d get all upset because we really need to change his diaper, and I mean, I ASKED SO NICELY!!!
We’d change his diaper and he’d get even more upset because now I am changing his diaper in spite of him saying No. I asked him a question, he said no but I do it anyway. So to him instead of being nice, I’m actually being pretty mean - the reverse of what I was aiming for.
So what I realised was that in my very demeanour and how I was placing my words, I was setting myself up to fail. I was wanting to be nice, so I was placing my words in a way where he had a choice:
“Do you want to have a diaper change?”
“Shall we change your diaper?”
These are Yes/No questions, and by placing my words as such, I was saying I was open to either a yes or a no. While all the while, there was actually no space for a debate on whether or not we should change is diaper, his diaper needed changing – period.
So I first addressed the cause as ‘fearing conflict’ within myself, realising that he is not always going to be okay with what it is we need to do, but that we need to do them anyway and that this does not need to influence who I am within that.
Then, I changed how I structured my words to him. If it’s not really a choice, then I don’t ask – I simply make a statement of what we’re going to do and why.
He’s not always happy with it and that’s okay. We’re getting done what we need to get done, and I get to improve my credibility, consistency and trustworthiness as a parent. I follow through on what I say, rather than asking him what he wants and then doing the opposite. When I ask a question, he learns that I am genuinely interested in the answer and that he has a real choice.
It’s certainly interesting to see how many dimensions are involved in such a tiny point as how you ask your child a question, and how this influences the entire make-up of the relationship you are busy building.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Day 88: Let Babies Be Babies
This is a continuation to my previous blog: Day 87: Forced LearningAnother dimension I have come across as a parent in relation to learning, is that of 'Let Babies be Babies'. Where on the one side you have people who are more inclined to 'force' their babies/children to learn; there's also the opposite attitude where people are more inclined to 'let babies be babies'.
On this extreme end, anything which has got anything to do with 'learning' is pushed aside: "Babies are meant to have fun and play, why bring in this tedious topic of 'learning'?" "They will do penty of learning when the time comes that they go to school, just let them be and just this time of just fun and play."
Fasinatingly enough, there's even a dimension that parents fear they will develop a 'smart baby/child' who will be judged by his peers and they'd prefer their child to be 'normal like the rest of them'.
In this case, there's a negative connotation to the word 'learning', and whatever one believes constitutes this learning. And because you yourself as a parent had a negative experience with learning, we rather want to push it away, avoid it and postpone it.
Thing is that babies and toddlers are learning all the time, whether we are conscious of it or not. Whenever they observe something, hear, smell, taste, touch something - babies are learning about themselves and reality around them. Learning is not limited to what happens inside a school or classroom, and how things are taught/learnt at school is not the only way one can learn something.
Just as forcing your child to learn will lead them to experience learning negatively, so will the opposite of dismissing, avoiding and postponing it as your own bias towards learning will be carried over to your child.
When Cesar is learning about words, their meanings and how to read them - he doesn't access the same idea many have of 'learning' as being a negativly laden concept. For him it is simply an extension of what he is already naturally doing: exploring his physical reality, how it relates to him and how he can engage and participate with it. Learning is natural to babies, and 'letting babies be babies' then naturally implies providing an environment conducive to learning, prickling their curiosity and stimulating their natural explorative disposition.
Unfortunately we have made learning quite an unpleasant experience through limiting it to school and their factory-like setup. But it is up to us to re-create and reinvent what constitutes learning and to pass this on to our children.
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Day 87: Forced Learning
This is a blog inspired by Anna Brix Thomsen's blog: The Good News and the Bad News of Why Learning Cannot be Forced. Be sure to subscribe to her blog to keep up to date with regular insightful posts on learning and the education system!
In this picture I took today, Cesar and I are playing on Maya's bed with mini flashcards. We've recently started playing with learning how to read and made our own flash cards. Maya made her own little set that Cesar can play with when we come visit her, much to Cesar's delight.
One of the things you hear over and over as a parent, is how important reading to your child is. My mother had brought some children's books over when she visited a few months after Cesar's birth, and I couldn't wait to start reading to him. I always loved having books read to me as a child, and once I could read on my own it was my favourite passtime.
Yet when I started reading to Cesar, he showed no interest whatsoever. I changed up the books, where I read it, how I read -- but he just didn't give a damn. When he was very little he liked being moved around because the pain of growing and teething was just so much he didn't like to just sit or stay in one place. Then when he got mobile he would simply get away from us reading to go do other things.
I was getting anxious and frustrated because 'reading to your baby is so important'!!! But it was just not happening. I could try and force him to have reading time together, but then all he'd get from the experience is how he is being forced to do something he doesn't want, and then connect that to reading. So I looked at the point again, and saw that yes reading to your baby is important as a medium towards language development - BUT - it is not the only way to promote language skills and an affinity towards language and reading. So instead of reading to him, I made a point of it to simply talk a lot to him and describe everything we do and touch. I would find different ways of saying the same thing and play with being as specific as possible. When Cesar was about 1,5 years old, he still had no interest in being read to or having reading time together, but I trusted that when the day came that he would be - he would show us and we'd simply support him from there.
Then one day as we were going for a walk in Spain by the beach, we noticed how he started pointing at all the menus outside of restaurants and was showing an interest in words and their meanings.
From then on, he slowly started getting interested in being read to and knowing the words of objects, people and animals in his world. Now words and reading form a big part of his life. On the farm we have laminated papers here and there with notices such as 'clean after yourself' or 'This is a septic tank, no foreign objects' by the toilet. And he would point at them and loved having them read to him. So now we have lots of books and flashcards with words laying around, some of them pasted on objects in the house where he can point at them and sound them. Most mornings, he wakes me up by throwing a book on my chest and demanding to read it.
I'm 100% sure that if I had forced him into being read to, and being into reading, that we would not be where we are today and that his relationship with words would have taken a completely different turn!
Friday, September 4, 2015
Day 86: What you Resist will Persist
A snap of Cesar in his 'water phase' - his longest phase so far, still hasn't come to an end. Turns out there are just endless way in which to explore water (though he doesn't feel the need to get himself and his clothes all drenching wet each time ;-) )
One example would be throwing around the dogs' steel bowls. It makes such a big noise (like someone constantly banging on drum cymbals), but he was absolutely fascinated by it. My first instict was to 'make him stop' because I knew this could be bothersome and distracting to other people. Because I was coming from a point of fear of 'what others might think'; I wasn't considering Cesar within this equation. Making him stop or preventing it was very difficult and he would end up doing it anyway, but with even more vigour as he now knew that 'he might soon not be able to'.
This method was obviously not working for him or for me so I took a moment to stop and really look at what was happening. I looked at Cesar and I looked at myself when I was young and absolutely fascinated by something. I saw that what he was going through was simply a natural curiosity of cause and effect and exploring all the objects in his world. Once he had fully explored an object, he'd be done with it because through his exploration he now got a good understanding of what the object is all about and there is no longer a drive to 'see what happens'; he has tested it all, he know simply knows.
So instead of fighting whatever phase he finds himself in at any particular time; I embrace it - as I understand it's just part of his learning process. Instead of stopping him and getting frustrated I look at how else his particular point of focus can be explored. We can push a bowl sideways so it rolls like a wheel. We can spin it like a spinning top. We can bang it against different objects to see what different sounds it makes. He's learning new things about physical reality, and gets to know what he wants to know much quicker then if he would have gone through a continuous stop-start process where his curiosity never gets satisfied - leaving both him and myself disgruntled. So whenever you find yourself in a situation where you want to make your child stop, I ask yourself: "Am I empowering him or am I simply limiting him out of convenience?"
These simple shifts in perspective can make such a huge change in making your daily life a more flowing and smooth experience!
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Day 85: What's in a Moment
Here we came across a cherry tomato plant while walking
around the farm. Cesar loves plucking things so he immediately went to fetch a
bucket to start collecting.
What I love about being with Cesar is having to push
yourself to look at any given moment creatively and see what you can make out
of it.
We could have simply plucked the tomatoes and put them into
the container and be done with it. But instead I encouraged Cesar to spot the
tomatoes and pluck them; or to tell me which ones he spotted but can't reach
for me to pluck.
To really look and scan the plant systematically, from
different angles and corners to make sure he 'got them all'.
I count the tomatoes I hand over to him or that he hands
over to me. We talk about the shades of red and which tomatoes are still green
and we won't pluck. We look at the sizes of the tomatoes, which ones are big
and which ones are small.
The tomatoes he can't reach, I will pluck and place in
different spots of the nursery so he can still enjoy the treasure hunt
experience.
Parenting can have its ups and downs, some things are just
beyond our reach to change (like going through teething and its companion
'sleepless nights').
But some things are within our reach, like making the best
of any given moment.
Parenting can be a true gift and joy when we challenge
ourselves in every moment to see how we can take something ordinary and turn it
into an extra ordinary experience. Enrich every moment and enrich your child's
life, along with your own.
When Life gives you Lemons, look beyond making lemon juice
;-)
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