Journey to a New Life

In my last blog I established how having a baby in your world is an ‘out of the ordinary’ experience. Your world gets thrown upside down and you spend your every moment taking care of another.

This is intense, and something most people I would say, are not used to – and this goes on for quite some time (a few months in such a routine pretty much feels like forever). Things in my reality were hectic, in terms of my body recuperating from pregnancy, birth and getting used to breastfeeding and then spending every moment either tending to the baby or sleeping. Additionally, I was limited to living in my rocking chair, bed and diaper space with the occasional 2 min trip to the bathroom for my potty break. I would eat while breastfeeding and sometimes my partner had to feed me while I was feeding the baby lol.

So my whole reality was just the baby and I in our room – there was not much to my life. So when I would have a reaction, thought, emotion/feeling that would come up – it was very overwhelming and prominent. I didn’t have all that much going on in terms of just repeating the same tasks in the same room over and over – and so any point that triggered a reaction, my mind was ON it and exploiting the opportunity to get some energy going. So even the slightest point would become an intense experience – and with either being busy with the baby or sleeping, the experience would be in my face and start affecting me in every moment with everything that I do, where the slightest negative reaction for instance would have me soon down in tears. Because you’re just busy and busy and busy and then there’s this experience the whole time that just doesn’t go away and since the reaction got triggered in your direct environment which is with/around your baby and you don’t get a change of scenery that can distract you or where other points get triggered – whatever triggered the reaction / is the source point of the reaction also remains ‘in your face’ (whether you’re conscious of it or not) and unless you take the reaction on right then and there – things just get worse or you find ways to suppress it.

So here, I had to work with taking reactions out asap – where during breastfeeding/resting I would apply Self Forgiveness out loud and sound my commitment statements to stabilise myself and who I was in relation to having a baby/taking care of a baby.

The main point I faced here, was that even though taking care of a baby is intense, extreme and challenging – it doesn’t mean that I have to react to the design of the situation in an energetic equivalent way. Meaning, it’s not because a situation is out of the ordinary that you’re entitled to experience yourself energetically out of the ordinary. Where for instance, after having x amount of sleepless nights and your body still being in pain from the pregnancy/birth process, that it is okay to now go and ‘feel depressed’ and really sulk about the situation you’re in – because it’s not ‘about you’, what is happening is not personal – it’s just a bad design. In the same line, you’re also not entitled to ‘feel good’ or be all ‘chuffed’ about yourself for ‘doing all these extreme things’/living this ‘extreme lifestyle’ for a moment – because again, it’s not about you – it’s just the design of the situation. Where in essence, you ‘going the extra-mile’ – where you’re doing something you otherwise would not have done – becomes personal, where you either victimize yourself or glorify yourself within ‘going the extra-mile’. While, there isn’t anything ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about having to go the extra mile, when this is what is required to be done/walked. If this is what needs to be done, well, then you just do it, and then that’s the end of the story. And taking care of a Baby, is definitely a situation of ‘going the extra mile’ – all the time. But because we’re not used to ‘going for the extra mile’ or stepping way out of our comfort zone – we make it something ‘special’ and this special then translates into either a negative or positive experience (or both really).

Now, the reason why it is so important to take these type of reactions out as soon as possible, is because it is very easy for the mind to start creating a link/relationship from the negative/positive experience as a reaction to the unfortunate nature of the situation you’re in as the physically challenging task of taking care of a new-born -- to your new-born specifically. Where instead of seeing/realising that what you are going through is just because of the general design of things, one starts to tie what one is going through, to your baby personally, where it is your baby who is personally responsible for how the situation is set up (which is when you look at it – quite ludicrous, because I’m pretty sure that if any baby had the choice they’d skip the new-born/baby phase and get straight to walking and talking as the toddler-phase. In the end, your baby is just as much of a victim/hero as you are in the design of things). So what happens then is that in your mind, = your baby is the reason for your sleepless nights, your baby is the reason for your burnout, your baby is the reason why your body aches – where you basically start holding your baby personally accountable for everything that is happening to and within you.

These reactions, then start framing ‘who you are’ in relation to taking care of your baby, in relation to ‘going the extra mile’ that goes with taking care of a baby. And while your baby may only be an infant that can’t do much more than lying on its back, eating, crying and sleeping – the energetic experience you hold within yourself as you are going about your baby-tending, resonates and imprint unto the baby. And while they are pretty helpless while you’re going through this experience and thus can’t ‘act’ on it – it still affects them, and will show its consequential face later in their life.

 To be continued

I was asked a question by someone as to how come some parents can be blatantly selfish in their behavior towards their child(ren). Where, to observers, this type of behavior is unacceptable – but where the parents themselves will act out their selfishness within a sense of entitlement and thus in essence not seeing what they're doing or seeing "what's wrong" with their behavior.

So I had a look inside myself as to where and how I could see such a pattern would emerge and develop, in terms of what I have experienced myself and walked through myself with Cesar so far.

And what I saw, was that it really goes all the way back to the beginning. And what becomes clear from the beginning is that: parenting is not easy.

All your life, your life has been about you. What you want to do, what you want to do with your life, your friends, your family, your job, your hobbies. Then – a baby is on its way.
You think you can conceptualize and ‘imagine’ what it would be like to have a baby – but the truth is = you don’t. Even when you read others’ stories, written in detail about birth, babies, parenting – in the end they’re just words and you don’t really grasp the reality of it – until you’re in it.

I suppose in a way, pregnancy does prepare you a little bit for what is to come. All these things start happening to your body, you get put into the backseat and your whole body becomes about ‘the baby’ – where to a certain extent, ‘your body is not your own’. But you know, you can still do a lot of things and pretty much live your life ‘as usual’.

Then, the baby comes – and everything changes. Every minute, every second, every breath you take is in service of your baby. Your baby is completely helpless and completely dependent on you. You are quite frankly put: its slave (unless family/friends are there to help out big time or you’ve hired someone to assist). It’s feeding, changing, clothing and feeding again round the clock. You sleep, when the baby sleeps (or at least you try). You are sleep deprived, your body hurts, you look like a mess (and very possibly smell like one too) and it seems to go on for what seems like forever. That’s how the first 3 months are registered in my brain.

So, especially in the first few months, being a mother, being a parent does a big number on you.
I mean, I am pretty lucky in terms of the environment and support that I have available with Cesar. I’d say that I pretty much live in the ‘optimum environment’ to bring up a child. And so – even with physically everything being in place, it’s still hard, it’s still an immense job.
I have no idea how I would cope if my situation would have been any different and I have the greatest respect for all women out there who are doing their best to raise their child(ren) when their environment is not one that promotes peace of mind.

So you have your baby, you’re busy all the time, you’re trying to do your best and sometimes that seems to even be not enough. Your old life is GONE. Byebye seeing friends, family, work, hobbies – it’s just you and your baby now (at least initially). Having a baby probably looked and sounded like a fun thing, blissful and all joy – but ends up being quite the opposite as you’re drained tending to your baby’s every need. If you’d imagine how you would want a relationship to be between two beings – this is not how you’d want things to be, as it’s in essence a ‘master-slave’ relationship. Now, I don’t mean to blame or shame the baby for being demanding or needy. And I don’t mean to create any type of moral issue within describing and comparing a baby-mother relationship to one of a master-slave relationship. It’s simply that by design – they are the same. It’s not good, it’s not bad – it’s just what it is.

This point, if you look at the design of babies and their 100% dependency relationship towards the mother is what one could call ‘unfair’. Meaning, you have two beings, and the one is living every moment of its life in function of the other.

I’m pretty sure that if you had a relationship with another adult in this line you’d pretty much break ties as soon as possible, because it’s no way to live.

And it’s this dynamic – being ‘unfair’ by design – which is your introduction to your relationship with your child - which forms the baseline, the nice fertile soil, from which many mind patterns and resonant designs can emerge from… if you let it.


To be continued

I’ve decided to from now on throw in some ‘practical’ blogs in between my more ‘inner-process’ related blogs. After all, it’s easier to sit down to reflect on your process and yourself when your physical reality is relatively stable (eg. You’re not sleep deprived, your baby isn’t unnecessarily uncomfortable, your baby is in general not driving you insane).

Here I will share things that I’ve tried out and tested with Cesar which worked for us – and so may be of help for others.

So as the title suggests, the first practical point I want to share came from working with horses.

At the farm, we work with horses in close alignment with principles and methods of Natural Horsemanship. One of these points is that of ‘rhythmic motion’. Horses move within rhythmic motion, and through drawing on rhythmic motion ourselves, we are able to direct the horse. Besides using it as a form of communication, I also noticed that if my horse Charlie, was unsettles, was that rhythmic motion, sound and touch would settle him – from which I would be better able to direct him.

While this point of ‘rhythmic motion’ initially opened up with the horses, I have found that this point pretty much present with most animals, humans included.

When Cesar was very, very small – the only type of ‘rhythmic motion’ I would use, was that of me breathing. When he was upset, in pain or didn’t know what to do with himself, I would just hold him and breathe. I would first start of breathing normally and then slow down the pace – to which Cesar would then responding and get in sync. He didn’t breathe exactly in sync with me, because his lung capacity forces him to have to breathe more regularly than adults, but he would slow down proportionally with me. [As an FYI, according to some studies done on breathing with your child, the results show that breathing with your child in times of sickness helps accelerate healing]

Then, as he got older and a bit sturdier – I would start using my hands to make rhythmic motions and sounds (while all the while also just being aware of my breath, going with the rhythm).

I remember the one night he was up till 1-2 o’clock and just wouldn’t settle down, where the adrenaline that came with the teething had him going a bit nutty.

I then instinctively started using rhythmic motion on the mattress, tapping in a way to get a nice, low sound (he loves bassy sounds over high pitches) and finding the right rhythm. It’s quite interesting, because you’ll be playing with different speeds of tapping, and when you find ‘the one’, it’s like it just ‘catches’ them, and his whole being just settles down and centres. Then, I would keep tapping at that speed so he could really sink into the motion, and then slow down gradually. He was in crawling position on the mattress, and he his body sank down ever so slightly with each tap, until eventually he was lying down on his belly and then repositioned himself unto his side and then with the last tap just moved his head to a comfortable position.

Other variations I have done is where I am tapping him gently on his chest, or if he’s really ‘all over the place’ and not knowing what to do with himself, I would lay next to him on my side and put his legs in between mine so that I could ‘keep him in place’, which he initially would not like but after a few moments would then calm down and centre himself and then move himself to sleep with the tapping.

On other occasions, where the procedure was taking rather long or where I was already really tired when I started and my arm couldn’t hold much longer, I would utilize a metronome. When I was in music school we’d use a metronome which is a little gadget that you can use to set the ‘beats per minute’, where it either flashes a light or makes a sound (or both) so that it would assist in maintaining your rhythm/beats per minute. These days if you have a smartphone like an Android or iPhone – you can download a free metronome app and use your phone to do this. I would set it to x-amount of bpm (beats per minute), and would select a sound that Cesar responded to and would then once in a while set the amount of bpm lower and lower (while hiding it under my pillow).

This method is something I have found effective in times when Cesar overexerted himself (going overboard with standing/crawling or whatever – where he is not patient enough but straining his body) or was in a lot of pain where he would be in a state of ‘not knowing what to do with himself’, where the rhythmic motion gives him something to anchor to and direct his attention.

So when you’re all out of ideas, and your little one still won’t sleep = it’s worth a try!

I remember reading through the Self-Forgiveness and not seeing how the points he took on were specific to the Female Ego. I felt like it ‘didn’t resonate with me at all’ but printed the Self Forgiveness out anyway and read it out loud for myself. Yet, the points that Veno outlined in the Self-Forgiveness, are exactly the points that I came across within myself when I was digging out this ‘one little thought’ and exploring how it was rooted within myself.

So I found it quite interesting to see how so many years ago, I couldn’t see or recognize the relevance of this particular Self Forgiveness, thinking it doesn’t really apply to me – and how now after going through a whole journey of process points within myself, with different events unfolding in my life – I have now come back to this point and now all of a sudden: I can see.

I have been reading some more of the old material and listening to some old interviews, and find it fascinating how I am seeing, hearing and reading things that I had never seen before. Where: the information that is being presented is still the exact same as x-amount of years ago, but ‘Who I Am’ as the information that I contain has changed – which has allowed me to now actually really read, hear and see what is actually being shared.

With a lot of the material I remember that back then, I was confused about what was being said, thought that Bernard spoke in riddles and that both him and the Dimensional Beings were too vague and abstract in how they conveyed things. Looking back now at the same information, I can see how what was being said and presented was actually the most simple and direct way of expressing and conveying a point – but my vocabulary at that stage was so biased, so misinformed and energetically charged that I seriously had no idea what the hell was being said, but only could establish that it ‘kind of sounded cool’ and went with my own interpretation of the words. My mind couldn’t comprehend the simplicity, the straightforwardness – it immediately took every word, every sentence and took it to complexity to the greatest extent that it could – and within that, completely deranging the message.

And now, where over all these years, in exploring our own mind points and sharing what we have learnt from ourselves and others, have established a ginormous body of material, having explained every point in every possible way to the greatest extent.

And this is quite cool, because by going far and wide and everyone sharing perspectives in their own words, there’s a greater chance of some information getting through someone’s mind which may escape the bias filter, allowing one to see and hear the message. Where the message was initially shared from the greatest form of simplicity to then have entered a stage of the widest extent of specificity and intrinsicality – to now again, be boiled down to simplicity as the information is now been properly grasped and digested so that it can be grounded and lived within practicality.

So it is quite interesting to see how for the most part, the process I have been walking for the past 7 years has been one of clarifying things for myself, removing unnecessary information and re-aligning my vocabulary to the point where I am now going: Aaaah, I can see – and where within being able to see and actually comprehend the extent of the Desteni message, the journey to really start living and applying it, is really only now commencing. It’s quite humbling to see the actual extent of disinformation that was existent within me. When I started the Desteni Process, I thought that I ‘got it’ – but really all I had gotten was my own version/interpretation of the Desteni Message, where I was really actually walking ‘Leila’s Desteni Message’ as a warped/twisted version of the actual Desteni Message made to fit in with my own view and perception of things. And where now, after many years of walking, I am starting to *just* touch on what the Desteni Message actually means, what it actually implies.

So looking back in time where I first read Veno’s Self Forgiveness to now where I actually ‘get it’ – I can see how so much as happened and yet how at the same time very little happened. Little happened in terms of my physical reality and physical application and living, yet I can see how tons happened inside myself in terms of just sorting, moving and getting rid of all the ‘junk’ information inside myself so that I can have a peek at what it actually means to live in the simplicity of the Desteni Message. It really puts into perspective the scope of the problem we are facing, but also that as long as we walk the solution and keep walking: eventually we will get there, and eventually we will live in a World that’s Best for All. All we have to do is make sure we walk our utmost potential, so we can manifest it sooner rather than later.

This is a continuation to:
Day 38: Introduction | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 41: The Innocence of One Little Tiny Thought | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 42: Losing Touch with Reality, Losing Touch with your Child | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 43: And the Race Begins! | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 44: Sins of the Fathers and Mission of the Mothers | Motherhood Paranoia
Day 45: Wanting to be Right | Motherhood Paranoia 

So now, we have this design running where we have to keep procreating, and we women have this design running where we think we know how to run this procreation thing and raise respectable human beings – which by the looks of how this world is being ran: is obviously a joke; nothing can more clearly say *you are wrong* and *you don’t know how to raise a human being* when looking at the absolute vicious, cruel, degrading conditions this world is kept in.

So why are we still doing this?

Why are we still having children?

Everything is survival based – whether you are rich or whether you are poor. If you are poor, you are lost in the survival for physical subsistence, and if you’re rich you get lost in the clutches of your own mind, mental illness is everywhere in first world countries.

Everyone’s lives pretty much suck, yet we keep having children and passing down the consequences of our recklessness to them and their generations to come. Things aren’t getting better – so why?

If there was no way out of this, and things would just continue as is: I would not have children.

But there is a way out of this, and the way out of it is ‘out of us’, out of our accepted and allowed human nature. To change it, align it – to one that acts according to what’s Best for All. To teach this principle to our children, to lead them by example; to show them that there is another way, that we can have Heaven on Earth.

Otherwise, what’s the point? Is it so that we can for a short moment during our lives be happy about the idea that ‘I had a family’? So that they can live through more wars to come? So that they can grow up to become irresponsible adults who hasten the Earth’s demise? So that they can live their lives locked up in their own homes, in fear of their own neighbours? So they can enjoy our polluted air and withering nature? So that they can have their own children who will have to endure even worse conditions?

We have to admit, that we’ve failed, we FAILED BIG TIME in the parenting department. It’s time to face the facts; let go of righteousness, to forgive and to correct. So that we don’t just ‘reproduce’ ourselves, we already know where that leads and it’s a disaster – but to truly procreate – to truly bring forth something new, something worthwhile.

The tools are available

http://desteniiprocess.com/
http://desteni.org/
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com 
http://livingincome.me/
https://eqafe.com/

  

In my previous blog I laid out how when investigating a sense of ‘duty’ within myself, how this whole can of worms opened up in terms of you as a mother/female carrying out the duty/mission of continuing the bloodline and having the responsibility to make sure that your offspring survives (or at least get to the point where it can have its own offspring). I ended the blog, with how I could see this point being tied in the Female’s Ego Design, where females have a strong tendency of ‘wanting to be right’. This is where I continue with this blog.


So – now you have a baby, a child – just like all the mothers before you and have a sense of duty to ‘continue the mission’. At the same time, a lot of people did not like the way they were brought up by their own parents, where there’s a strong feeling of ‘wanting to do it better’ with your child.

So, not only do you already carry this sense of duty from the perspective of those who came before you – now you also gave the duty to yourself to do it better, or at least not ‘worse’ than your parents.

So how does this now all come together in the design if the female ego? Well, having a child, raising a child is a huge responsibility. It’s huge on its own and it’s made even ‘huger’ when you drag in the whole ancestral baggage that you carry around unconsciously. And now you, as the mother being in most instances the primary caretaker/guide for the child – it all lays in ‘your hands’ in terms of how this child is going to grow up and succeed in life, and we all want ‘what’s best for our child’.

Though, what each one thinks to be ‘what’s best for your child’, differs from person to person, depending on variables such as personal history (eg. How my parents did things is definitely *not* what’s best for a child), environment, relationships with other people, economic status, etc.

So by the time you have a child, you’ve already pretty much made up your mind about life, what matters, what doesn’t matter, what things you value, your preferences and so on. From that context/idea you then derive what you think is best for your child, what you believe will give them the best outcome in this world.

Throughout your own life, you invested quite a bit of time in ‘inventing yourself’, in terms of your personality, who you are and who you want to be seen as in society. Then when you have a baby, you invest a lot of time and energy in making sure that you are bringing up your baby in line with your own values, believing they are ‘the right ones’.

So, what I have noticed here, is that when one mother points something out to another mother, there’s a tendency for conflict to spark, as both believe they are ‘doing the right thing’ and both think that ‘they are doing what’s best for their child’. And because the bond between a mother and a baby is so strong, where you carried the baby in your belly, where you nursed it and spent your every moment with it as it was completely helpless and dependent – that point of ‘you are doing something ‘wrong’ with your baby’ which translates into ‘you are not doing what’s best for your baby’ is a veeeerrrry sensitive one.

Because you just spend all this time and energy figuring yourself out in life, then you have this huge responsibility of raising a baby, then you try and raise that baby as best as you can within what you think is best – so that your child may succeed in life, and so that you are not seen as a failure against the backdrop of ‘those who came before you’ AND NOW YOU ARE TELLING ME THAT I AM DOING IT ALL WRONG AND HARMING MY BABY/CHILD??????????????

So instead of investigating one’s idea of onself, one’s values and perspective on life – it’s easier to just ‘want to be right’ and defend yourself at all cost – than considering the possibility that you may not have been acting in the best interest of your baby – because that is a very painful realisation/consideration to look at and face. Which is unfortunate, because what eventually plays out is the opposite, wherein ‘wanting to ensure the best for your baby’ and not wanting to look at the possibility that maybe you’re doing things in a way that are not really best, you’re creating the very window where things can actually go wrong. But because you don’t want to see/be faced with that point, it’s easier to just stubbornly go along with what you’ve always been doing, and sticking with your point of view/outlook on life and block out any feedback that may indicate otherwise. So that in your reality, in your mind : you are doing what’s best for your baby, you are doing what’s best for your future lineage, you’re doing what’s best for the future of humanity in general. And this is then also why females will go and ‘clump’ and ‘group’ together in their shared activities/points of view and participate in gossip and being nasty towards those that do not agree/do not walk their opinions/outlook on life – just to each time re-affirm and strengthen that point of ‘It’s okay, I am right, I am doing what is best, they are the one’s who are going to burn in hell for living their lives like this and teaching their children this way’.

So, this is what I found within myself being a major contributing factor to the ‘wanting to be right’ construct which is typical to females; where females from a symbolic/archetypical standpoint have that responsibility of ‘ensuring the well-being of those to come’, and where this is such a huge responsibility, and where I am sure everyone experiences a great deal of uncertainty, but where instead of acknowledging this uncertainty and working with it, and actually figuring out what’s best from what’s not – we just ‘pretend’ and ‘hope’ to know that we’re doing, and that this is the right thing, and then defend this point of view, whichever view it may be – at all cost.