Journey to a New Life

In my previous blog I laid out how one within compromise will start to develop a specific ‘give and take’ relationship with one’s child of one allows to indulge in a pattern where you decide to hold on to ‘what you want to do’ and consequently will not direct your child or give your child attention when the moment for it presents itself. Being aware that you are robbing the child direction it needs, one enters a cycle of feeling guilty which you will then seek to relief by ‘giving back’ to your child, but where this ‘giving back’ is not what is required of in a moment, and where you allow the child to hold on to ‘what he/she wants to do’, just as you had granted yourself this permission.

What I found quite interesting here as well, is how one will use past moments/periods of where things were hectic and where the parent went ‘the extra mile’ to justify why it is okay to hold on and want to have ‘personal’/’me-time’ because “look at all those things I did for you” and “I spent so much time on you, why can’t you just give me a break right now”,… where the parent draws on ‘fairness’ to justify their desires and their behaviour of pursuing it.

So the whole design of it is actually quite clever. Because you find yourself in a situation that is disproportionate, you have to put substantially more time in your child than you do towards yourself or anything else – which is just an outflow of the design of children/babies and the dependency that comes with it; it’s not like they ‘chose’ to deliberately take in a lot of your time. And then you have the parent who makes the deliberate decision to try and go ‘against’ the design and ‘capture’ a bigger margin of time/energy to go towards themselves which necessarily creates an imbalance which they constantly have to counteract by trading with the child/children by giving them things they want and desire so that at least things are ‘fair’ in terms of each one being allowed their indulgences.

So within all of this, what I found is important to realise is that: yes = things are not fair. Sometimes in life you’re on the end where things are really good for you and other times you’re on the end where things suck ass. The thing is that you can’t allow the design and structure of things determine ‘who you are’ and ‘what you’re going to do’. Say you really want to have a unicorn. Yet, by the design of things, we don’t have unicorns on Earth – what are you going to do now? Throw a tantrum? Be spiteful at horses for not having horns? Get yourself a horse and force a horn unto its forehead with God knows what consequence? I know – it’s a farfetched example, but it does very clearly show how ridiculous it is to try and get something which by design is just impossible. We can try having a unicorn by taking a horse and forcing a horn on its head, but we cannot do it without creating consequences, by creating ripple effects through trying to force something to exist – which goes the same for wanting and demanding some form of ‘fairness’ within your parenting reality to and with your child. You cannot manipulate and force your ideal/desire unto reality/your children without them being adversely affected by it. Because you are making real sacrifices to attain something unreal.

In the first few months with Cesar there had been moments where I found myself with a lot of inner conflict and where I couldn’t’ see straight as to ‘why am I experiencing myself this way’ because I was so ‘in it’. I would then make use of Osho Zen cards to do a reading and fascinatingly enough, the card which represents the issue would be the same one over and over again when I had that same experience which was: ‘the dream’ – and the solution was each time to ‘let go of the dream’. Where I was, without being much aware of it – holding on to certain expectations, hoping for things to go a certain way and where reality was not going the way I was expecting/hoping it to go. The nature of taking care of him at that stage was very intense and took a toll on my body – and I would hope/expect him to sleep a bit more or if he had started sleeping more, to ‘keep up’ with this pattern so that I didn’t have to spend as much time and energy in actively soothing him (as he was very uncomfortable back then considering the acid reflux and colic and needed constant ‘intervention’ to alleviate the pain/discomfort for him). So when I got to the point of walking him and bouncing him around for the so many-eth time at night – I would be going ‘pffffft’ and a build-up of energy would start to emerge. This was because I was hoping/expecting for this ‘not to happen’. So when I finally got the point and embraced that things were tough and weren’t going to change – (or maybe they were going to, but that would still be irrelevant), where I realised that I was only making things worse for myself by holding to a ‘dream’, as I am constantly contrasting what is happening to this dream and within doing so make reality look more dull while making the dream look more colourful; the only thing that is going to give me peace is just to be here in every moment, to take every moment as it comes without any expectation. And sure enough, I was more content than ever before and could move myself with ease and would actually explore more ways of assisting Cesar which I previously wouldn’t have even thought about. Because previously, I was so busy ‘suffering’ and just being in ‘automatic’ that such an option would’ve just totally slipped me by.

So this is how I’ve seen the role of Fairness play a point within parenting and being a mother and how it can turn parenting sour if one allows fairness to move oneself instead of self moving self for the sake of what’s best for all, and how dropping Fairness in a simple point such as not expecting things to go a certain way can go a long way.

I’ve written now two series (paranoia and fairness) on what I’ve identified as ‘problem areas’ within parenting which become apparent very early on in the parenting stage, and would like for the next series to take on solution/correction dimensions as we’ve now seen and understood the problem and so can transform our movement within and towards corrections to establish a new parenting paradigm as Principled Parenting.

GnaGnaGna!

In my previous blog I ended off with a scenario where you are still in the days where taking care of a baby is an extensive job, and where in those moments where you find yourself ‘going the extra mile’ within taking care of your baby – that it is easy to create a negative/bad energetic experience within yourself, where you’re carrying out the task of tending to your baby but carry an experience of dislike/resistance where one would rather not be doing what one is doing. I also wrote how babies pick up on these inner-conflict experiences and in essence witness the parent(s) going through an ‘inner-tantrum’ and within doing so, learn that it is okay/acceptable/alright to bring up and express emotion turmoil when ‘things are not the way I want them to be/would have liked them to be’.

So now, your baby has had many opportunities to observe you in your inner-tantrum (from a little nagging experience to very loud backchat – the size of the tantrum doesn’t matter) when things are not going ‘the way you would have liked them to go’. Each time baby witnesses you in that state - that is the behaviour that is being taught to the child. As time goes by, the baby grows up and is able to do more things and be more independent. Here you’re at a stage where taking care of a baby is still intensive and extensive – but not at the ‘hardcore’ levels as when the baby was very small and completely vulnerable – not being able to do anything without an adults help.

Now an interesting thing develops because the demandingness of taking care of the baby is relaxing and suddenly there is space for ‘choice’ again (‘Again’ – meaning, where prior to you having the baby you had quite a bit of space in terms of having time set towards responsibilities but also having space/time towards your own where you can indulge in what you like to do or find important, whereas once the baby comes, there’s only the baby and everything ‘you’ or ‘personal’ disappears for a while). The baby is able to entertain itself for a bit, doesn’t need to be fed constantly so feedings aren’t as pressing/can be more flexible, the baby doesn’t poop himself every hour so his diaper can be on for a bit longer,… So the amount of time that you spend/dedicate towards your baby becomes less and a margin of time starts emerging here and there where you can start doing things ‘for yourself’ or pick up on things that you did before you had the baby.

With having been constricted to only taking care of your baby for such a long time, this ‘me time’ can be considered to be precious and this then creates an opportunity for compromise to creep in. Since the baby is now ‘out of immediate danger’ in terms of not needing constant adult handling, some baby related things can be delayed for a bit while you can extend your ‘personal time’. What I found with myself is that this ‘space’ that opens up can be tricky, where I could catch myself delaying something for just a bit too long, wanting to hold on to ‘my time’ or where I would kind of ‘huff and puff’ within having to ‘give up’ my ‘me time’ to tend to the baby.

It’s quite interesting how the developmental cycle of babies is set up, because it seems to go through cycles where you for a period of time have to spend all / most of your time towards the baby – where it then eases off a bit and you have more space/time to do other things as well – to then again spending all / most of your time taking care of your baby directly. It’s a nice testing ground in a way, where for some time you get to practice taking care of another and doing what needs to be done without having any space for yourself – to then doing the same but have some margin of space for yourself to check whether you can still be diligent and responsible within taking care of your baby without getting distracted/tempted by the ‘personal space’ that opens up – where one dips one’s toes ‘too deep’ and allow yourself to get carried away by this ‘freedom’ and start compromising towards your baby instead of keeping a balance between tending to your baby to the best of your ability and enjoying your ‘me time’ when it is here without wanting to hold on to it/creating it at the expense of your baby.

I’d for instance be working on something while Cesar would be entertaining himself and being content just roaming and exploring the room on his own with me still keeping an eye on him – to where all of a sudden discomfort comes up and he requires some assistance stabilizing himself where I would kind of go ‘Oh no’ inside myself because ‘I am working on this now’ and ‘I want to finish this’ / ‘Let me just round it up’ – where I am wanting to hold on to this ‘me time’/’what I am doing’ and will delay or want to delay getting to Cesar because what he is doing/going through is ‘incompatible’ with my desired situation/circumstance of ‘me working on this document’ / ‘me finishing this task’ – where instead of being here in every moment and being flexible – tending to Cesar when I need to and tending to my points when there is space to; easily letting go and moving around from point to point; – I am holding on to a mental projection of how I think/believe time should go/how the situation should go and want reality to adapt to my mental composition rather than me adapting to physical reality.

So this would be an example where one would compromise within slipping in self-interest where you for a moment place more value on a mental idea/ one’s desires rather than directly, common sensically move self to tend to the baby. So here you also have a scenario where the baby ‘needs something’ from you but you don’t give it. And in being aware that you’re dipping your toes in the pool of self-interest within holding on to your desire – guilt starts to brew inside yourself.

What happens then is that at some other time you are playing with the baby and now the baby is doing something/playing with something/ eating something that it actually shouldn’t or that could be consequential if it becomes a habit – and where in that moment, you should actually direct the baby and intervene, and maybe you do try and intervene and now it’s the baby that is upset and throwing a tantrum because ‘it’s not getting what he/she wants’ (just like me, the adult in the previous example, throwing a little inner tantrum because I wasn’t getting what I wanted within having to stop what I was doing and get to Cesar – starting to see how this pattern plays out?) and within having guilt existent within you for having robbed your child/baby previously of that moment where he/she needed you – you will now ‘give in’ and ‘let it slide’ where you will allow your baby his/her happiness point because you allowed yourself to hold on to your happiness point on previous occasion(s).

This is where the Baby Economicus starts to emerge – where a silent agreement starts developing between the parent and child that ‘if you allow me my indulgence for a moment, I will let you get yours as well later’. So now you start building a relationship with your baby based on perpetuate compromise where you can only keep things ‘happy’ and apparently ‘stable’ by each one giving in to each other’s’ little self-gratifications. If this is allowed to continue you slowly but surely move away from conducting yourself in a way that’s best for your baby/child to what’s best for our ‘trade relationship’. Because you’re then in essence trading moments: “if you give me this moment for my self interest, then I will give you that moment for your self-interest” – and oh boy if you forget your end of the deal, your baby/child will gladly and theatrically remind you of your ‘trade agreement’. The first thing Baby Economicus learns about human behaviour is: if you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

So all in all, while one was trying to keep self from having to ‘sacrifice’ – where you don’t want to sacrifice your moment for the sake of what’s best for the baby, you end up doing exactly that – constantly sacrificing, but sacrificing the reverse where you sacrifice what’s best for your baby for the sake of the mind. So we end up sacrificing in the wrong moments in the wrong way. Where we will not intervene/direct our child/baby when we have to and intervene/manipulate the child when we shouldn’t – because it’s all done within the starting point of maintaining one’s self interest and within doing so, in extension building and maintaining the baby’s/child’s self interest.

In my previous blog, I laid out how it can be easy to experience yourself being/going into extreme levels of emotions/thoughts/reactions within being faced with the rigors of taking care of a baby, and how this then shapes ‘who you are’ in every moment, whether you are conscious of it or not.

It starts off with being limited to moments only, where you’re attending to one of those tasks that require you to ‘put in some extra’ and where you’re really not ‘into’ doing whatever it is that requires to be done, and a negative energetic charge develops within yourself as you carry out whatever it is you have to do.

This momentary reaction, which is like a form of resistance, basically states that ‘I wish that I was doing something else’ or ‘I wish I didn’t have to do this’. These momentary experiences, come and go as you move around your day/night taking care of your baby, where the moment the ‘task’ is done, the experience is gone (or so it seems). However, with this coming and going of this experience and you allowing this experience to keep coming and going and not directing it – it starts to accumulate to an experience where one day you realise that you’re actually not having much fun at all with your new baby and actually are kind of…unhappy.

It’s kind of interesting, because at that stage – you’re not yet actually chronically unhappy. I noticed this myself after working on the point, that I wasn’t actually unhappy, but within allowing such fleeting reactions to accumulate, in that moment that you become more aware of your self-experience - your perception of reality is so skewed/screwed that you think and believe that you’re unhappy *all the time*, and from that moment on you actually start to actively project this experience of unhappiness unto every moment/every task and then in essence bring it to life/make it a reality for yourself which you then start to resonate throughout your day.

Now, within being an adult and having been successfully raised within morality – you know that you shouldn’t be acting on these type of feelings/experiences. Meaning, just because you’re unhappy doesn’t mean that you’re not going to carry out your responsibilities towards your baby because that would be ‘wrong’. Yet, even though we know we won’t be acting upon our experience, we will still stubbornly hold on to it, believing that we are right to experience this way and that what we experience is an accurate reflection of ‘how things are in reality’. Though for children, your baby – it doesn’t matter that you are not acting upon it (well, of course they do benefit from you still carrying out your responsibilities)– they still know how you actually feel, and what it is that you are actually holding within yourself while you interact with them. They can see, and feel that you’re unhappy/not doing what you’d like to be doing – and can in essence, see your ‘inner tantrum’ as the energy you experience within yourself while you carry out that which you do not want to do.

So what your baby learns then and there, is that it’s okay and acceptable to have this energetic experience of being ‘unhappy’ when ‘things are not the way you like’. And even though you may not be acting upon it in those moments, you are still keeping the energy alive which means that you agree with it; and that’s all that a baby needs to know to start copying this pattern and live it out.

One thing that has to be taken into consideration though, is that a baby/child is not ‘innocent’ in that it in its very nature as the result of the acceptances and allowances of the generations who came before – have a tendency to ‘react’ when things don’t go their way. Yet, this behaviour and tendency can very easily be addressed when you’re ‘on it’, and when you do not accept and allow such behaviour within yourself. The tendency then doesn’t have space to develop/grow and the child/baby then learns whatever other example they have been given. It however does mean that the ease with which they will develop and grow this tendency into an actual behavioural pattern = is greater.