Journey to a New Life

A point I have mentioned several times on this blog, is how little gets shared of the ‘real story’ behind having a family/having a child or children.

Throughout my whole life, no-one every shared with me the true nature or the ‘raw deal’ of what is actually involved in having a family of your own and the challenges you face. At the same time, in how the world is moving – the true nature of parenting is getting forgotten as we all have been led to belief that life is about working and consuming. This means that being a parent and raising your own child isn’t a “thing” anymore, as we spend the majority of the time working while someone else looks after the children (whether a nanny or at school – schools end up being convenient day-care centres).

We are also not trained our taught to value and appreciate parenting, what is involved in child care, the challenges one will face, the sacrifices that need to be made. For many, there is this ‘idea’ of parenting and the ‘idea’ of having a family of one’s own. A picture created in your mind that makes you feel happy thinking of ‘what could be’. Then, a child becomes a reality and your whole world comes crashing down as you have no practical tools whatsoever to direct yourself, so let alone direct a child. With society and the entertainment industry bombarding us with the ‘Me-Me-Me’-ideology – where everything is about what YOU WANT and YOUR FREEDOM; it’s easy to just ‘give up’ on actual parenting and instead embrace the Me-Me ideology where you get to do what you want while having your children ‘in check’ whilst allowing them to play out their own Me-Me-Me-Ideology..

This is something I have been observing more and more, where an idea was created about ‘what it is like to have a family’ and then one it becomes a reality – it all just becomes about ‘managing’ it, about surviving it and waiting for ‘things to get better’.

When we think of having a family of our own, we think of the happy moments, the moments you share a laugh, baby’s first steps, birthdays, baby saying ‘mommy’ and all the other events that are interpreted to signify ‘love’. These moments as images however, are fleeting moments. They happen once in a while and then it’s over. So what about the rest of the time? The rest is spent supervising, cleaning, playing, participating and directing your child. I’m not saying that it’s not ‘fun’ – but it is nothing like the nice energetic feeling that gets brought up when we *think* about having a child/baby of our own. The main point is that you need to be available to your child in every moment. It takes focus, discipline, assertiveness, gentleness, understanding and everlasting patience to do this effectively. These words, are not easy to live – they do not come natural to most and are not values which are taught and transferred effectively in this day and age. Every day, every moment you need to force yourself, your beingness to change and move in a way that supports your child, even though it completely clashes with the life you used to have or the preferences you hold. Parenting is a full time job – and with fulltime I don’t mean from 9 to 5 – I literally mean *full time* as in the full 24 hours (ok, maybe you will get a few hours of sleep ;-)). So to every day face and walk something that goes against every grain of your being as the nature of self-interest – it can be quite daunting. Also consider that: there are no take-backs lol. Once you have a child, you have a child and this other person will be intrinsically interconnected and interwoven in your daily life for the next 18 years. That’s a huge commitment.

Not many manage to find it within themselves to completely dedicate themselves to their children and nurturing them to their utmost potential. Instead, babies and children become accessories. Much like having a pet – where people get a pet like a dog because they like the idea of it – but then end up spending minimal time with the dog in a way that supports the dog’s living experience, and become ‘just another chore’ that needs to be taken care of.

The child or children need to fit in to their schedule. They need to behave in a way that I like. They need to pursue things in life that I approve of, that fits with how I want to be perceived, that will add to my status. They will take credit when the child receives a compliment, but blame the child when negative feedback is received.

Children don’t fit into little boxes however, and tend to retaliate and throw tantrums to express their discontent. This then only feeds more fuel to the fire, where the parents will try and fit them into boxes of rules and conditions even more – and use this ‘despicable behaviour’ as an excuse as to why they need a break from their children, and why they deserve time for themselves and the things they like. Then it’s even more okay to hire a full-time caretaker, send them to boarding school, and immerse yourself into work and/or your social life.

This in turn, creates a pressure on the child as the child is experiencing a lack of freedom, a lack in the ability to express themselves which then overtime turns into an obsession and compulsion of ‘doing what I want’ – turning out just like the parents.

So while you may want a child or family with the best intentions, with having the ‘perfect family moments’ at heart – you end up with a deeply unsatisfied life and children who can’t wait to get away from their parents.

Having a child and starting a family is a serious consideration and not a decision to be made on a whim. Spend some time with families, talk to parents, spend time with children and see if this is something you truly want – or see yourself being able to change into wanting and living it. Having a child is a decision that affects a lifetime – not only yours, but also that of your child.

Continuing from Day 73: No Time for Process – Part 1:
So then I looked at what it was I was holding on to within wanting to holding on to this approach. The two points that stood out for me was that I felt the need to ‘prepare myself’, which had subtly become a mechanism for postponement. Instead of looking and seeing into reactions directly in the moment, I would react to my reactions and within that believe that I first ‘need some time’ to ‘work this out’ before moving to real-time application and change. The other point was that I was still placing value on ‘what others might think of me’, where I was holding on to having visible ‘proof’ that I am walking/living my process and being able to visibly contribute -- limiting my conception of process within intrinsically tying it to ‘what is visibly done for others to see’ ; and diminishing the aspect of real-time change and application which is only visible for self and one’s immediate environment. So these two dimensions were working nicely together to not have me move myself in the moment but instead long for time to write and ‘do my homework’ so to speak – leading to not much of anything happening in the end.

So, since I wasn’t getting to my old way of working with points, I had to find a new way to walk points I was facing and opening up new ones.

I pushed my real-time application by applying Self-Forgiveness out loud whenever a reaction came up. While my hands were generally very busy with taking care of a baby, I could still use my mouth to sound Self-Forgiveness. Initially, I experienced some resistance as I didn’t think I’d be able to open up the points in depth, which is something I had linked to only being possible within writing.

The way I was able to open up points by voicing Self-Forgiveness went actually very smoothly. I would simply go point by point and each time I was finished with one line the next point would naturally open up. While my Self Forgiveness was not yet as specific as how it would have been if it had been written, I ‘got the picture’ in terms of having and seeing the overview of how the pattern/construct plays out much quicker, and would work on the essential points.

Sometimes if the reactions were quite intense or I was overwhelmed by the amount of points that had opened up, I would go for a walk with Cesar and apply Self Forgiveness as we walk so I could focus on just that. Often as I hit a cool point or would ‘round it up’ Cesar would suddenly look me straight in the eyes from his baby carrier, or give me a big gaping smile lol.

When I wasn’t facing any particular new point or reaction, I would play with things like body posture and body movement. Seeing how different postures change how I experience myself inside myself and practicing my self-awareness in relation to my body and body movement. When reading to Cesar or practicing vocabulary/pointing at things or describing what I am doing/what’s happening around us, I’d pay attention to how I voice the words I speak, if there are any charges/reactions/memories to the words and re-voice them until I was clear inside myself.

I’m still playing and practicing all the above mentioned points and found and still find them to be very grounding and stabilising.

While I first believed that being busy with a baby/child all day was ‘distracting’ and keeping me from working with points, I eventually found that it was the complete opposite.

Being and walking with Cesar gives me so much space and time to focus and work on my personal process in ways that I hadn’t conceived to be possible. I get to practice real-time application, correction and awareness every day. I get to re-walk my own childhood as I direct myself to provide him the childhood I wished I could have had. I get to see and understand behaviours my parents displayed towards me when I was a child that I didn’t understand back then, but am now able to put into perspective. I am able to forgive myself for points from my childhood that I didn’t fully understand yet, as well as points from my parents with more clarity and specificity. I am able to really see how much my parents influenced me in shaping myself, my beliefs, my fears and values – and how I can change these to self-supportive patterns for myself and my son.

While parenting is hard, having a child is an immense gift and opens up so many opportunities and possibilities towards self-discovery for self and another as yourself.

Embrace it fully!

An interesting point I faced early on when Cesar was a newborn – and which would sometimes resurface – was the point of ‘Not having time for Process’.

Before I had Cesar, I had quite some moments where I could sit down and write, work on Mind Constructs and essentially spend time laying things out for myself. With Cesar entering the equation, my schedule changed completely and these moments of time were simply not compatible with how my life turned out.

So what I realised here is that I had created a particular pattern and habit of ‘how I deal with things’ that are process related, and where within this habit creation, I had also limited myself to only working with things one way. Where, I’d have emotions, feelings, thoughts and other mind reactions come up – and if they were ‘new’ and unfamiliar (or if new dimensions of a point would open up) I would set time aside to write them out, lay out what I see in them, work with memories etc. to prepare myself to take them on when they come up next time around. Now, within just having become a mother, I had many of these new/unfamiliar experiences and reactions come up as I found myself in a whole new scenario/situation.

I found myself in a bit of anxiety and stress, because of being so used to having the time and space to write and lay things out for myself. When a point or reaction would open up during the day, I’d constrict within myself, knowing that there would be no time later to ‘work on the point’. Even though there was no time in sight, I was still hoping that I’d get some time or a ‘gap’ somewhere in the near future to be able to evaluate the reactions I had been having. So more and more I was postponing opening up the points as I felt I needed to write about it and I needed to use my DIP tools and that this was the only way I’d get a move on my process.

The time and space to open up the points wasn’t coming and in the meantime the reactions/points were just piling up so that when I did have a moment – I didn’t know where to start. So obviously, this approach was not working as I was seeing the friction build up inside myself. I was blaming my situation in terms of the time I had available, where I was busy round the clock for why I was not able to ‘tend to my process’. Seeing the nature of the thoughts I knew there was a point I had to look at in relation to ‘time’ as the nature of the thoughts was indicating to me an abdication of self-responsibility. So when I practically looked at how I wanted to work/walk the points and what was physically here and what I can actually walk – I saw it was not time that was the problem but the ‘method’ I was insisting on sticking by.

So then I looked at what it was I was holding on to within wanting to holding on to this approach. The two points that stood out for me was that I felt the need to ‘prepare myself’, which had subtly become a mechanism for postponement. Instead of looking and seeing into reactions directly in the moment, I would react to my reactions and within that believe that I first ‘need some time’ to ‘work this out’ before moving to real-time application and change. The other point was that I was still placing value on ‘what others might think of me’, where I was holding on to having visible ‘proof’ that I am walking/living my process and being able to visibly contribute -- limiting my conception of process within intrinsically tying it to ‘what is visibly done for others to see’ ; and diminishing the aspect of real-time change and application which is only visible for self and one’s immediate environment. So these two dimensions were working nicely together to not have me move myself in the moment but instead long for time to write and ‘do my homework’ so to speak – leading to not much of anything happening in the end.

To be continued

In the world of parenting, everyone has their own opinion and idea of ‘what is right’ and ‘how things should be done’. There’s a tendency to impose what worked for oneself, to be ‘how things should be done’ for everyone – and to not take into consideration each individual contexts.

One of the points that gets debated a lot is the topic of ‘co-sleeping’. Co-sleeping is where the baby or child sleeps with the parents in the same bed or has a little attachment to the parents’ bed in which he/she sleeps.

The main points of concern that get brought up against this ‘practice’ (up until the 19th century, this was done pretty much all over the world) is that it is unsafe for the baby and that it will create an emotionally dependent child.

In terms of safety, sure there are some practical physical points one needs to take into consideration when co-sleeping. The main reason why it is seen as a safety is issue is because of the possibility of the parent(s) rolling over their baby and suffocating it. This is abnormal behaviour and happens when people live an extreme lifestyle in terms of drugs, drinking and over-exertion leading to exhaustion. In those cases, obviously one should not sleep with one’s child because your normal senses of awareness will be absent.

When I started sleeping with Cesar in our bed, I made the decision to fall asleep in the position I went to sleep in – and to wake up and move; if I wanted to move – and to wake up at the slightest notion of him moving/making sound.

In the past year I have not once rolled over him or suffocated him. I have however been kicked in the face by his baby legs some mornings and have him crawl and roll over myself and my partner, so parent safety is not guaranteed. We were fine after each incident lol.

In terms of the topic of emotional dependency, what is quite interesting is that most people place the focus on physical methods, practices and techniques as the source/origin point of emotional imbalance within children. So for instance with the point of co-sleeping ‘co-sleeping creates an emotionally dependent child and promotes separation anxiety’ and ‘sleeping alone creates independence’ – where ‘what you do’ determines the outcome for your child. Little attention is given to who the parents are in terms of their own inner stability, balance and well-being.

Can a child that co-sleeps become emotionally unbalanced? Yes
Can a child that co-sleeps become emotionally independent? Yes

And same goes for a child that sleeps alone.

For the greatest part, it won’t be the actual physical setting that determines how the child develops, but the mental state of the parents' minds.

A mother can insist on sleeping with her child because she’s very anxious and worried that anything might happen to her in her crib/in a separate room and that she won’t notice – and so within co-sleeping, being able to keep a very close eye on the baby, even if it means very little sleep to herself.

In such a case, it’s not unlikely for the child to develop an emotional imbalance as the mother’s starting point for co-sleeping was within emotional imbalance – and this state of mind would then transfer and imprint unto the child who then creates a connection between ‘sleeping with mom’ and ‘safety/anxiety’.

The same child could grow up with a mother who decides to co-sleep simply because it is easier to respond to the child’s need when they are close by, not because she fears that something ‘might happen’ to the child. In this case, the mother’s starting point for co-sleeping is that she wants to tend to the child’s needs as best as possible. The child is then likely to develop emotionally well-balanced because he/she knows he/she is in an environment in which her/his needs are attended to.

Another aspect is that these decisions are often looked up as having an absolute impact on one’s child – while there are actually many dimensions involved in bringing up a child. Only one’s sleeping arrangement and who one is within that will not ensure that you have an imbalanced or balanced child. A parent could be confident and hands-on within the point of sleeping, but face reactions and uncertainties with regards to food and how this may or may not impact the child’s health. If these anxieties are intense enough, your child may still develop emotionally unstable whether your sleeping arrangements are ‘in place’ or not. What will determine a child’s future is not what happens within a single aspect of life but is about the whole life experience, and this takes place within every moment, within every breath. There’s no checklist of points you can simply ‘tick off’ in terms of the things you have in place for your child that will ensure an independent, stable, confident, well-balanced child and that the rest will just take care of itself.

It takes a constant nurturing, attentiveness and responsiveness from the parent towards the child, as well as to themselves to ensure that they are the walking and living embodiment of the values and principles they want their children to live by.

So to only look at what parents do in terms of certain arrangements in their household, is a poor measure or indication of how the child is being supported in their personal development and potential; only reflecting back the limited scope in which we are trained to evaluate things in life for ourselves.